I'm stressed thinking about how expensive kids get as they get older. Fuck I wish I knew. I feel so guilty not being able to give my kids what they want and deserve. So here goes I am 23 years old and had my first child at 15. I was with a guy 4 years older than me. He is a nice guy, but now I realize how he manipulated me into having intercourse with him. I have two children with him. It did not work out because I came to realize that I was only with him because I saw him as protector/father. During the time him and I got together my mom's husband hated me and will make my life impossible, and I saw this as the only solution for this problem. It did fix it. I had no more problems with him no more because he dint see me as burden.
So here I am 17 years old with 2 children. I worked at Taco Bell for 6.10 an hour. The father of my children would help me financially with them, so I wouldn't worry as much. During this time I had a boyfriend that I had known since we were children. This was it, I thought. This is my guy. Man we had a blast together and he loved my kids. One night we went to the club got drunk and viola I'm fucking pregnant. I'm a fucking idiot. Things went downhill from there. He got thrown to jail for 4months for some bullshit, but was able to get out on time to see our beautiful baby girl be born. We got an apartment. He worked in construction and I stayed home with the kids. He started changing and being very irresponsible to the point that he didn't have money for rent. Soon after I found out he was doing crack cocaine. I was devastated, so I left to my moms. I came back to him two months later. But he couldn't get his shit together. I had no idea what to do. I had no job no family and only two friends. I couldn't go back to my mom because my stepdad had made it clear that we bothered him.
My friend's mom took me in, and there we were. We slept on the floor. The father of my first children was in Mexico during this time and bastard had not left any money. Anyway my then boyfriend father of my third father commits suicide, because supposedly he was depressed I had left him. I felt horrible. They were having this funeral type thing in his aunt's house, and my daughter who was 6 months old fell from the couch while I went to make her a bottle. I took her to the hospital and one of my guy friends that had had a crush on me forever offered to accompany me. She had a fractured skull and child protective services got involved. I had two choices either live with someone that could supervise me with my children or go to one of their advocacy centers to be supervised. I was so fucking scared to have my kids taken away, and I couldn't go to my mom's because she was at that time dealing with cps herself. My guy friend offered for me to go to his mom's house and be supervised by his sister. The thing was that I had to tell everyone that he was my fiancé. I agreed. When I was with him I felt like I owed him for what he was doing, so I would have sex with him.
He got me pregnant on purpose. I was so angry that I went to get an abortion but was unable to follow through. I became very depressed but I stayed because he loves my children and even treated them as his own. When cps got off our backs we got an apartment and he moves his 5 year old daughter with us. That is how we have five children. Because I don't know how to keep my legs closed and so fucking ignorant on birth control. Fuck I'm such an idiot and now I'm realizing it. I have fallen in love with this man who is now my husband, and also forgiven him with impregnating me. But we cannot afford my babies. I need to start working but get anxiety when other people take care of my kids. I'm so scared they will go through what I went through. I don't even have an idea of what the point of this post is. I just needed to get it out. Any thoughts ladies or questions?
EDIT: I am now attending college, and tied my tubes after I had my fourth child. I am in a stable relationship have been married for 4years. I am waiting for my youngest to start school this year, so I can start working. I am also not bitching I just wanted to get it out of my chest, and I know that it is my fault that I have the kids I have.