It's two A.M. I can't sleep and I am depressed. We've been TTC for three years. We were going to get fertility testing but then our insurance changed. (Fuck you Obamacare.)
Now I'm trying to get over the fact that I will never feel another baby move inside of me. I will never get to see the look on my husband's face when I tell him I am carrying his child. I will never see another infant coo at me, milk drunk and perfectly content. I will never get to stroll another street fair with a baby on my hip.
This is it. I have to let go of these dreams. I have to somehow find peace about the fact that there will most likely not be another baby in my home. Sure, miracles happen, but I'm going insane as I hope every month that this will be our month. I just don't know how the hell to do that. I'm so thankful for my existing son, but my heart is breaking that I will not have another.
ETA - Thank you to those of you who have been so kind. I really do appreciate your supportive words. It was just a really bad night. I didn't think anyone was even going to read this, I just had to get it out and didn't want to burden my friends or family. Thank you again.
ETA2 - I realize now that I mistitled this. I don't think my uterus is the issue. I have a hunch that it's my husband's sperm and will eventually pay cash to have his sperm tested. Not sure where we'll go from there because we don't believe (for us) in using artificial means to conceive. It just doesn't feel right for us. Thank you again for all of the support. It felt good to get it all out and to know that I'm not alone.