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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My confession.... I put my newborn on the back burner Edit to add 3/7

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 37 Replies

Yes, I do feel shitty for this but before you bash hear me out.

Last year I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. I soon found out that all my dreams were not as they had seemed. So much about my life and marriage had been a lie. I disconnected to protect myself. I hated the day of my daughters birth and found it hard to even look at her without feeling a bit of resentment or hatred (not for her but what her birth day was for me). My husband was having an affair( I did not know about this before) and the day of her birth was the day he decided to make it physical. Granted it was before she was born but I was in labor. Yes I know this is not my daughters fault. But between just giving birth, my birth plan failing, and my life falling to the ground in the matter of hours of her birth I didnt really have time to enjoy my family.

I still breastfed her but honestly I did not do much else. I fed her and handed her off. I changed her 2-3 times a day (she was changed by her dad and sometimes my sister 90% of the time) I dont really remember much of her newborn stage or really anything until 3 months or so. I slept for 16 or more hours a day only waking to feed myself or her, shower every few days and use the bathroom. I did not talk to anyone for over a month. Not a word spoken TO anyone. I cried A LOT! I would just sit ans stare at the world around me and wonder how it just kept going. I couldnt love her.. oh how i tried. I did try, please know that even in my darkest hour I tried but I couldnt even remember if it was day or night or if I was dreaming. My life felt so unreal.

I still almost a year later have issues with loving her. While i do have more of a relationship with her I lost out on the bonding that I so badly want. I missed tons of kodak moments that many of you moms live for. I dont know what happened to me. I would think given the events maybe PPD but I have not gotten treatment. I have merely slowly gotten to a point where I can look past that part for a few hours at a time. I am still very depressed but It no longer effect my every move. (i do still have days where I cant bring myself to get out of bed.) I dont know why I am posting this. I needed to say this. Not for anyone but myself. I needed to see just how horrible I have been to her. How badly I have screwed up as a mother. I failed the one person who needed. I dont know if I will ever be OK but I can only hope that I will.


EDIT: First Thank you to all of the moms that have been so kind and given me solid advice! It means a lot to me right now. While I have no yet made a appointment with my doctor, I have contacted my insurance and gotten in touch with 3 therapist to gauge if they would be a good match for me. I think for me that is the first step. I do plan to talk to my doctor soon though.


Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kris0921
by Silver Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:07 AM
Get help, so you can be there for her now. Yes you missed out on a bunch, but dont continue this tread, just because you wont get help. Get help so you can be there for her, and love her like she needs to be loved.
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MrsCountryMama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:08 AM
Well the good news it's not too late to turn things around!
Also your dd will never remember this part of her life.
You should talk to a therapist to work through your feelings it might help you bond with your dd.
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beco8627
by Silver Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:09 AM
Its definitely PPD and you definitely need to seek some help. Its very real, and more common to have these feelings than you might realize.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:09 AM

You aren't horrible.  I felt this way with both kids.  After they got older, I realized that I could concentrate on my dreams, and learned how to balance my life.  I don't feel resentful at all anymore.  This is a normal feeling, especially if you weren't a kid person growing up.  Don't beat yourself up.

Nickie76
by Silver Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:09 AM
Go to counciling and give your poor kid a hug. Not gonna bash but she didn't ask to be here and i'm sure she feels the tension.
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celestegood
by Ruby Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:10 AM

 It's not too late to get help, honey.  Talk to your doctor, and get on some medication.  It can help you tremendiously!!!!!!!!!!!

A therapist can also help.

teri4lance
by Platinum Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:11 AM
Please. Get help.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:11 AM
Sounds like PPD. You're not horrible just need a little help.
SpnFulOfSugar
by Emerald Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:14 AM
You're not horrible but you do need to seek help. For her sake and yours.
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michiganmom5150
by on Mar. 7, 2013 at 7:18 AM
I agree with pp. you have ppd. While things might have fallen apart, that only made it worse. I had it with my first and you need to talk to someone. You can still bond with your dd, it's not too late. Talk to someone for your and her sake. Good luck!
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