My confession.... I put my newborn on the back burner Edit to add 3/7
Yes, I do feel shitty for this but before you bash hear me out.
Last year I gave birth to a beautiful little girl. I soon found out that all my dreams were not as they had seemed. So much about my life and marriage had been a lie. I disconnected to protect myself. I hated the day of my daughters birth and found it hard to even look at her without feeling a bit of resentment or hatred (not for her but what her birth day was for me). My husband was having an affair( I did not know about this before) and the day of her birth was the day he decided to make it physical. Granted it was before she was born but I was in labor. Yes I know this is not my daughters fault. But between just giving birth, my birth plan failing, and my life falling to the ground in the matter of hours of her birth I didnt really have time to enjoy my family.
I still breastfed her but honestly I did not do much else. I fed her and handed her off. I changed her 2-3 times a day (she was changed by her dad and sometimes my sister 90% of the time) I dont really remember much of her newborn stage or really anything until 3 months or so. I slept for 16 or more hours a day only waking to feed myself or her, shower every few days and use the bathroom. I did not talk to anyone for over a month. Not a word spoken TO anyone. I cried A LOT! I would just sit ans stare at the world around me and wonder how it just kept going. I couldnt love her.. oh how i tried. I did try, please know that even in my darkest hour I tried but I couldnt even remember if it was day or night or if I was dreaming. My life felt so unreal.
I still almost a year later have issues with loving her. While i do have more of a relationship with her I lost out on the bonding that I so badly want. I missed tons of kodak moments that many of you moms live for. I dont know what happened to me. I would think given the events maybe PPD but I have not gotten treatment. I have merely slowly gotten to a point where I can look past that part for a few hours at a time. I am still very depressed but It no longer effect my every move. (i do still have days where I cant bring myself to get out of bed.) I dont know why I am posting this. I needed to say this. Not for anyone but myself. I needed to see just how horrible I have been to her. How badly I have screwed up as a mother. I failed the one person who needed. I dont know if I will ever be OK but I can only hope that I will.
EDIT: First Thank you to all of the moms that have been so kind and given me solid advice! It means a lot to me right now. While I have no yet made a appointment with my doctor, I have contacted my insurance and gotten in touch with 3 therapist to gauge if they would be a good match for me. I think for me that is the first step. I do plan to talk to my doctor soon though.