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Private lessons + kids?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

DD is 21 and autistic. She has private singing/guitar lessons, an hour a week. She came home today with a silly smile on her face and I asked what was up; she said that her teacher had changed, and that he was really really cute. I'm a bit worried because DD has a habit of behaving innapropriately with boys and I've had to recently revert to asking her who/what/when/where/why and making her check in when she goes out. She does this because some little cow in her old high school told her that being a slut was "cool" and hasn't managed to get it out of her head since. The music school told me that because she's over 18, because she booked the lessons independantly, because she pays for her own lessons they can't talk to me about anything without DD being next to me. I want to know; I want to give her independance, but on the other hand is it too much that I randomly check in on lessons to make sure that he's not taking advantage of her? The room they are in is in the back of the store, where it isn't constantly in traffic. The manager said she hasn't heard anything suspicious but she is all the way at the front of the store... What do you mom's do with your kids having private lessons or tutoring in houses?

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 8, 2013 at 4:06 AM
Replies (21-30):
twinmommy27
by Ruby Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 6:48 AM
You could. Ours had a row of chairs for parents or students to wait.


Quoting Anonymous:




Quoting twinmommy27:

My dd had private singing lessons and I would sit and wait. It was also in the back with other offices. I could hear everything but I never went in.



So maybe try and go in next week (depending on whether my husbands home to watch the other 3) and just sit outside and listen?


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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 8, 2013 at 6:51 AM


This section doesn't because it's at the back of the store and the waiting rooms at the front :/ I want her to go back to her old place with her female vocal teacher but the guitar teacher sucked with special needs tutoring :/

Quoting twinmommy27:

You could. Ours had a row of chairs for parents or students to wait.


Quoting Anonymous:




Quoting twinmommy27:

My dd had private singing lessons and I would sit and wait. It was also in the back with other offices. I could hear everything but I never went in.



So maybe try and go in next week (depending on whether my husbands home to watch the other 3) and just sit outside and listen?




lancet98
by Platinum Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:40 AM

 There are two very different ways to go.

One is to continue to watch over her and look in on her lessons, and keep doing so.

The other is to make a decision that if she gets taken advantage of, she gets taken advantage of.

As far as 'she refuses birth control', that can be a rule for any adults living in youor house.

As far as 'she is afraid of sex', so is every other girl, and they still wind up having sex.   That is NOT something I'd bank on.   That can change in - a few minutes.

You have to decide for yourself what you should do.   I can't tell you what to do.

For one thing, I have an opinion on this that biases my response.   Which is that adults are entitled to a sex life.   Whether they are autistic, or developmentally delayed, or mentally ill, once they hit 18 or 21(or it may be somewhat older for some people), they are entitled to have a sex life, and to decide for themselves, when and who.  In their chosen way - whether as part of a marriage or as a single person, that is their choice.   That is what being an adult means. 

And that may be with an autistic adult, a non-autistic adult, that is their choice.   Love doesn't always respect such boundaries; I think such boundaries are mostly based in racism and eugenics and they disgust me.

The problem is that many people are oriented enough to want a sex life (which is a relatively easy thing to want - just respond to one's biology), but are not able to pick up on all the different social and cultural issues involved.   That can be quite difficult for an autistic person, or a person who is developmentally delayed - it's plenty difficult enough for a great many so-called 'normal' adults. 

As far as you have 'already told her' such and such, well, it takes a lot of repetition to teach a person with some disabilities.   And you have to balance that with giving the person some independence.

Many parents have gotten their adult child to agree to take birth control pills and that can be an option if no health problems contraindicate.  

It is VERY important that adults with disabilities be educated about sex, birth control and sexually transmitted disease as well as making the effort to try to explain to them a lot of the social and cultural issues.   This isn't really the easiest or most instant thing and it's not about sitting down and having one ten minute discussion.   It needs to be repeated and discussed often.  If you're shy about it, you'll have to get unshy.

One person suggested condoms - no, absolutely not, I do not believe just condoms are sufficient.   There are a great many 'Trojan babies' out there.

Many parents feel that having an adult autistic person to care for is already enough work, and that having to take care of an out-of-wedlock baby (who might also be autistic - that is perhaps possible), would be a terrible thing to also have to do.   Financially, time wise and energy wise it can be well nigh impossible for many parents.   there is also the social aspect - an out o wedlock child can mean a great deal of shame and embarrassment for a family. 

It's also possible the autistic person would not have much ability to parent a child.  That may be beyond some autistic people's abilities.   Others may be fine, but it isn't something to assume will be ok.   In other words much of the responsibility may fall on the autistic person's parents.

For that and other reasons, just giving her condoms is NOT appropriate or effective.   For one thing, the man must be willing to use them and she must remember them.   Birth control pills may be far more practical but also require someone to make sure she takes them every time.   Don't assume.

Quoting Anonymous:

 

 

Quoting lancet98:

No I would not see anything wrong in dropping in unannounced.   At all.  

What would you say as a reason? Or what would you do scenario wise if it was you...I'm also half tempted to ask her to tell me her songs she's practicing weekly because when she likes someone she gets innappropriate with her songs. What do you think of this?

 

 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 8, 2013 at 7:47 AM


I agree completely with everything you just said. Yes, she does have a right to a sexual life (as much as I don't want to admit it). I just want it to be what SHE wants, not what her..to be blunt, not what her body's telling her it wants.

I want her to have her independance; and I want her to grow up. I just don't want to loose her in the process. I think what I'm going to do (as well as continue to take advice because I'd hate to just end the post without getting a different varity of answers) is introduce myself to him, (see whether he is as attractive as DD says :P she does tend to exaggerate), see what he's like, and if I'm worried then I'll continue to monitor. I think though I will sit her down and ask her what songs she's learning this week? I had to put a stop to her doing Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl" because it just wasn't appropriate. I heard her practicing "Oops I did it again" and thought 'Oh crap'. What would you think if you heard your DD practicing that for a male teacher?

Quoting lancet98:

 There are two very different ways to go.

One is to continue to watch over her and look in on her lessons, and keep doing so.

The other is to make a decision that if she gets taken advantage of, she gets taken advantage of.

You have to decide for yourself what you should do.   I can't tell you what to do.

For one thing, I have an opinion on this that biases my response.   Which is that adults are entitled to a sex life.   Whether they are autistic, or developmentally delayed, or mentally ill, once they hit 18 or 21(or it may be somewhat older for some people), they are entitled to have a sex life, and to decide for themselves, when and who.  In their chosen way - whether as part of a marriage or as a single person, that is their choice.   That is what being an adult means. 

And that may be with an autistic adult, a non-autistic adult, that is their choice.   Love doesn't always respect such boundaries; I think such boundaries are mostly based in racism and eugenics and they disgust me.

The problem is that many people are oriented enough to want a sex life (which is a relatively easy thing to want - just respond to one's biology), but are not able to pick up on all the different social and cultural issues involved.   That can be quite difficult for an autistic person, or a person who is developmentally delayed - it's plenty difficult enough for a great many so-called 'normal' adults. 

As far as you have 'already told her' such and such, well, it takes a lot of repetition to teach a person with some disabilities.   And you have to balance that with giving the person some independence.

Many parents have gotten their adult child to agree to take birth control pills and that can be an option if no health problems contraindicate.  

It is VERY important that adults with disabilities be educated about sex, birth control and sexually transmitted disease as well as making the effort to try to explain to them a lot of the social and cultural issues.   This isn't really the easiest or most instant thing and it's not about sitting down and having one ten minute discussion.   It needs to be repeated and discussed often.  If you're shy about it, you'll have to get unshy.

One person suggested condoms - no, absolutely not, I do not believe just condoms are sufficient.   There are a great many 'Trojan babies' out there.

Many parents feel that having an adult autistic person to care for is already enough work, and that having to take care of an out-of-wedlock baby (who might also be autistic - that is perhaps possible), would be a terrible thing to also have to do.   Financially, time wise and energy wise it can be well nigh impossible for many parents.   there is also the social aspect - an out o wedlock child can mean a great deal of shame and embarrassment for a family. 

It's also possible the autistic person would not have much ability to parent a child.  That may be beyond some autistic people's abilities.   Others may be fine, but it isn't something to assume will be ok.   In other words much of the responsibility may fall on the autistic person's parents.

For that and other reasons, just giving her condoms is NOT appropriate or effective.   For one thing, the man must be willing to use them and she must remember them.   Birth control pills may be far more practical but also require someone to make sure she takes them every time.   Don't assume.

Quoting Anonymous:



Quoting lancet98:

No I would not see anything wrong in dropping in unannounced.   At all.  

What would you say as a reason? Or what would you do scenario wise if it was you...I'm also half tempted to ask her to tell me her songs she's practicing weekly because when she likes someone she gets innappropriate with her songs. What do you think of this?






lancet98
by Platinum Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:38 AM

 

You don't think that any non-autistic person's sex life is about 99% about 'what their body wants'?

To be perfectly honest, most people's intimate lives are an awful lot about plain old lust.   Oh we try to convince ourselves otherwise, sure, but most autistic and developmentally delayed people aren't aware of that social habit!   They are more likely to just say what they are thinking and feeling without trying to dress it up.

What would I think if she was practicing provocative songs?   I'd think that just about every popular song these days, is provocative.   It would be difficult to think of a pop song that isn't pretty much about sex, one way or the other.

The other possibility is that she is sophisticated enough to flirt.   Where she thinks it goes from there is something only she knows.  

 I've had some pretty amazing responses from teen and adult autistic girls when I ask them what they are thinking this will lead to.   A counselor told me an enthusiastic autistic adult informed him, 'After we get to be friends then we can go to the woods and dig two holes and go to the bathroom'.  SOMEHOW he had mixed up ideas about camping with sex.   It's pretty important to include sex education in with all the other education, and it may be important to discuss it more than once! 

At her age, what she's doing would be pretty normal.   I can recall flirting with boys as a teen and having NO idea where it was going, it was just fun and I had no clue beyond that.   And I can recall, in fact, being totally appalled when it went from harmless flirting to a boy practically beating me up.   That, to be perfectly honest, is how MOST girls learn to be careful with flirting.   It's a gradual process.   You can talk to them all you want but most teenage girls learn by making mistakes.

It's also not at all unusual for a teen, any teen, to fall in love with someone who has absolutely no interest in them and who 'uses' them for sex and then disappears or even gossips about them to others.   Again, not really unusual.   Sometimes girls realize it before they have their pants off, but quite often, they don't.

IN OTHER WORDS, you're talking about things that are difficult for ANY girl to learn.  And I think it's more difficult for an autistic teen or adult.

How would her having a sex life, 'LOSE' her to you?   Now you have totally baffled me.   Are you thinking that she would not live in your house if she had a boyfriend or relationship?

How is whether the instructor is attractive or not, have anything to do with anything?  As a slight alteration to the old saying, just about anyone looks attractive when one is interested in sex.

This is a very difficult discussion for most parents of teens and adults with developmental delays or other disabilities that affect their ability to pick up on all the social messages.   I frankly don't envy any parent who has to try to make the switch from being a protector and advocate of a vulnerable child, to somehow dealing with the awakening sexuality of an adult who they still feel is vulnerable.  

It just is not easy.  My suggestion is birth control is required, and all teen and adult girls are considered to be potentially sexually active.

Quoting Anonymous:

 

I agree completely with everything you just said. Yes, she does have a right to a sexual life (as much as I don't want to admit it). I just want it to be what SHE wants, not what her..to be blunt, not what her body's telling her it wants.

I want her to have her independance; and I want her to grow up. I just don't want to loose her in the process. I think what I'm going to do (as well as continue to take advice because I'd hate to just end the post without getting a different varity of answers) is introduce myself to him, (see whether he is as attractive as DD says :P she does tend to exaggerate), see what he's like, and if I'm worried then I'll continue to monitor. I think though I will sit her down and ask her what songs she's learning this week? I had to put a stop to her doing Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl" because it just wasn't appropriate. I heard her practicing "Oops I did it again" and thought 'Oh crap'. What would you think if you heard your DD practicing that for a male teacher?

Quoting lancet98:

 There are two very different ways to go.

VannaMae307
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:41 AM

My son does sign language lessons in a little old bitty's house, I stay there with him since the lessons are only 45 minutes at a time. He is 4 so I wouldnt leave him alone anyway, there have been times I have to intervene with his typical 4-year-old attitude lol (not often but he recently stopped naps during the day)

Megara
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 9:48 AM

I teach private lessons in my home.  I have four students right now, 2 adult women,  1 high school girl, and 1 high school boy.  The high schooler's parents are always invited to stay, but usually they leave.  I do lessons in the front room of my house and my students never go into the other areas of my house, besides the bathroom.  I am also careful to ask before I touch my students (singing lessons sometimes involve placing a hand on the shoulders, back, or abdomen for breathing exercises).

What I think is weird is this music school acting like they are a doctor's office and have confidentiality clauses.  They honestly should not have any expectation of that kind of privacy.  Your are your DD's legal guardian, I assume, they should be able to tell you what you want to know.  I would check around in your area for other students of the school and see if anything inappropriate has happened to them if you are worried.

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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 8, 2013 at 12:39 PM
Maybe you could just talk to the teacher and explain the situation to him, so he's aware of what might happen.


Quoting Anonymous:




Quoting Anonymous:

When I was in elementary school, I took private summer lessons from my band director. I went there by myself on my bike. My mom never felt the need to check on me.





Just because your daughter thinks he is cute, doesn't mean he is attracted to her. And even if he were, he is a professional doing his job, and I'm sure he is aware of your daughter's disability. I think she'll be ok...

Was that at his house or in a music room somewhere? And to be honest I'm more worried about HER throwing herself at him THEN him taking advantage of her. I know she's a flirt. *sigh* and I'm not sure if she's told anyone. She keeps it to herself mostly.




Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:23 AM
She refuses to be on birth control though?


Quoting lancet98:

 


You don't think that any non-autistic person's sex life is about 99% about 'what their body wants'?


To be perfectly honest, most people's intimate lives are an awful lot about plain old lust.   Oh we try to convince ourselves otherwise, sure, but most autistic and developmentally delayed people aren't aware of that social habit!   They are more likely to just say what they are thinking and feeling without trying to dress it up.


What would I think if she was practicing provocative songs?   I'd think that just about every popular song these days, is provocative.   It would be difficult to think of a pop song that isn't pretty much about sex, one way or the other.


The other possibility is that she is sophisticated enough to flirt.   Where she thinks it goes from there is something only she knows.  


 I've had some pretty amazing responses from teen and adult autistic girls when I ask them what they are thinking this will lead to.   A counselor told me an enthusiastic autistic adult informed him, 'After we get to be friends then we can go to the woods and dig two holes and go to the bathroom'.  SOMEHOW he had mixed up ideas about camping with sex.   It's pretty important to include sex education in with all the other education, and it may be important to discuss it more than once! 


At her age, what she's doing would be pretty normal.   I can recall flirting with boys as a teen and having NO idea where it was going, it was just fun and I had no clue beyond that.   And I can recall, in fact, being totally appalled when it went from harmless flirting to a boy practically beating me up.   That, to be perfectly honest, is how MOST girls learn to be careful with flirting.   It's a gradual process.   You can talk to them all you want but most teenage girls learn by making mistakes.


It's also not at all unusual for a teen, any teen, to fall in love with someone who has absolutely no interest in them and who 'uses' them for sex and then disappears or even gossips about them to others.   Again, not really unusual.   Sometimes girls realize it before they have their pants off, but quite often, they don't.


IN OTHER WORDS, you're talking about things that are difficult for ANY girl to learn.  And I think it's more difficult for an autistic teen or adult.


How would her having a sex life, 'LOSE' her to you?   Now you have totally baffled me.   Are you thinking that she would not live in your house if she had a boyfriend or relationship?


How is whether the instructor is attractive or not, have anything to do with anything?  As a slight alteration to the old saying, just about anyone looks attractive when one is interested in sex.


This is a very difficult discussion for most parents of teens and adults with developmental delays or other disabilities that affect their ability to pick up on all the social messages.   I frankly don't envy any parent who has to try to make the switch from being a protector and advocate of a vulnerable child, to somehow dealing with the awakening sexuality of an adult who they still feel is vulnerable.  


It just is not easy.  My suggestion is birth control is required, and all teen and adult girls are considered to be potentially sexually active.


Quoting Anonymous:


 


I agree completely with everything you just said. Yes, she does have a right to a sexual life (as much as I don't want to admit it). I just want it to be what SHE wants, not what her..to be blunt, not what her body's telling her it wants.

I want her to have her independance; and I want her to grow up. I just don't want to loose her in the process. I think what I'm going to do (as well as continue to take advice because I'd hate to just end the post without getting a different varity of answers) is introduce myself to him, (see whether he is as attractive as DD says :P she does tend to exaggerate), see what he's like, and if I'm worried then I'll continue to monitor. I think though I will sit her down and ask her what songs she's learning this week? I had to put a stop to her doing Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl" because it just wasn't appropriate. I heard her practicing "Oops I did it again" and thought 'Oh crap'. What would you think if you heard your DD practicing that for a male teacher?


Quoting lancet98:


 There are two very different ways to go.


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:25 AM
I also found it strange. They can't even tell me her progress apparently unless she's there. She's never mentioned touching so I've got no idea whether he does and she just doesn't tell me. I think I might just randomly show up and see If anything is going on?


Quoting Megara:

I teach private lessons in my home.  I have four students right now, 2 adult women,  1 high school girl, and 1 high school boy.  The high schooler's parents are always invited to stay, but usually they leave.  I do lessons in the front room of my house and my students never go into the other areas of my house, besides the bathroom.  I am also careful to ask before I touch my students (singing lessons sometimes involve placing a hand on the shoulders, back, or abdomen for breathing exercises).

What I think is weird is this music school acting like they are a doctor's office and have confidentiality clauses.  They honestly should not have any expectation of that kind of privacy.  Your are your DD's legal guardian, I assume, they should be able to tell you what you want to know.  I would check around in your area for other students of the school and see if anything inappropriate has happened to them if you are worried.


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