During the course of my life, before I was even 20, I have been through more shit than the majority of people could imagine. After than things never slowed down in the shittiness. I'm a good person, help others, look out for many, help strangers, rescue animals, and try to help where and when it is needed. I am not a naieve person. Let's go through the list of some things.
Have had several rare medical disorders, several are degenerative and permanent.
My father and step father were drunks who beat the crap out of all of us.
Strp-father then stalked us for years afterwards.
Was sexually abused by step-father, step brother, and a friend of my mothers.
Was mauled by a dog and it left my face partially disfigured.
Was raped 2 times. Once by a friend of my brother's and was drugged and date-raped in college.
Have 2 kids, both have disabilities. One with physical one with emotional/psychological.
Can't work due to disabilities, household has not enough money.
Have had over 50 miscarriages and they have no idea why.
Husband has psychological issues. It's like living with an 8 yr old with Alzheimer's most of the time.
Family won't help me with ANYTHING with kids, ever, because my siblings are whiney and so needy they can't do anything for themselves. So kids never get any time with their grandparents.
I rarely get to leave my house in 15 years because of kids' issues, no help, and such.
Have not ever had a vacation since I was 3 and I am 40 now.
Husband is away for work over 80%of the time and isn't ever mentally here when he is home. No seriously, you have to write down ALL directions because he can't remember.
This is just a small amount of things. The list is so f-ing long it's rediculous.
It has gotten to the point that I feel cursed or plagued by something. All who know me have said this before, even my highly catholic Grandmother and I do what I do try to joke it off and go on with life.
That's what I do. I make jokes and try to find something funny or up about things. I try to show my kids that your life makes you who you are, but doesn't have to define you.
But every time I laugh or smile and I feel it inside yet something more terrible happens. Last night I laughed at something for over a minute, today 2 awful things happened. Every time I laugh or are happy something else horrible happens. Last time I was verbally assaulted by a lunatic and had to try to gets new Dr and had to deal with a week of insurance hell.
If I don't ever laugh or smile, things 'float'. So basically there is something that is making it so I can never be happy.
I'm tired, so f-ing tired.
I need someone who can help me get rid of this or break it or whatever.
I know someone here has to know how or knows someone who does. Please help.