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Neglect as a child and becoming a parent yourself.

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 7:53 PM
  • 13 Replies
I was recently approached by my son's teacher at school along with the school psychologist about how "I show my child love and acceptance" among other things. It broke my heart to hear this, but they told my husband and I that our son is in pain. I said pain what pain he has it pretty easy at home with two loving parents. The psychologist said that our son feel abandon and neglected not worthy of our love. I told him that is crazy because we love our son. He means the world to us. They told us that we more specifically me needs to show him that I love him through physical contact and praise. Well my problem is that I thought that my son knew he is loved unconditionally by me. Apparently not. I feel horrible that he feels this way because growing up I was emotionally and physically abused and neglected as a child and I know what that feels like. I vowed that I would never repeat that with my children. I struggle with saying "I love you" and showing physical love to my son. I believe that this has a lot to do with the neglect I experienced as a child. I just simply don't know how to show love or make someone feel loved because I never had that feeling or example in my life. I always found love and acceptance in all the wrong places.How do I reverse this before its to late? Any advice would be appreciated. I am already headed to the book store and therapy to try and fix the problem. I had no idea that my son was suffering because of me.
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 7:53 PM
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by Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 7:54 PM


by Anonymous 1 on Mar. 15, 2013 at 7:55 PM

You need to go to counseling & go now! Also, get in w/your son.

I was abused, counseling helped tremendously!  I believe when abuse is involved it is a MUST and w/what your son feels he should be going as well!

by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 15, 2013 at 7:56 PM

I know how that is. I wasnt shown much affection at all by my parents- so it's hard for me to be super cuddly and loving to my own children because I just dont know how?

I just make sure I kiss them multiple times a day and tell them I love them every second I get the chance.

by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 7:57 PM

Honestly you have to just say it. When you think it SAY it. Give more hugs. Its really just a concious decision you have to make and keep reminding yourself to do it. Eventually it will become habit.  I have to do this in the "praise" department. My son really is one of those people that NEED's constant praise for good behavior. I am always having to remind myself to say "good job" and "wow that was awesome I'm so proud of you" Because I tend to focus on negative behavior only. Sucks!

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 7:58 PM

I suggest getting counsoling, for yourself.  I also like the 5 love languages books.  

by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:02 PM

Well I am glad you found out early and that you are willing to make the change.  My father thought that by providing material things we would know he loved us.  Well, it didn't.  Never once did he utter I love you.  Stings to this very day.  I over compensated when I had kids with too many hugs and kisses (if there is such a thing) but I would suggest you start slowly....remember you are healing too.  

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:05 PM

Hugs, kisses, jokes, foot rubs, kind words....and, never fail at bedtime, or departure to tell him you love him. You never know when it will be the last time...

My mom was rejected by her mother, and raised by her father who she KNEW loved her, but he only told her once that he loved her, and she really needed to hear that.

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:08 PM

 I never expect my son to know that I love him. I say it so many times during the day and give him kisses and hugs and high fives.. he's my best friend and the love of my life (okay, besides dh lol).

Spend time with him. Go to the park. Go bowling. Go to the beach, take a walk, ride your bike with him, read a book, put together a puzzle, etc. That's a big part of it! Ask him what he WANTS to do. Give him hugs. Bake cookies with him. You don't have to be martha stewart, but ease into it.

by Anonymous 4 on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:13 PM
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Tell him you love him. I kwym. Tell him everyday before school, every day when he comes home from school, every night before he goes to bed. When he does good/well on papers, tell him Good Job! and give a high five. This doesn't mean you shouldn't discipline him or anything... it just means you should try your best to reach out a little more. Start w/a few small things and work your way up. :)

You know what? You ARE a GOOD parent! You know why I say this? Because you see a problem and are trying your darn BEST to fix it! I have no doubt that you'll get right on track! Love and light!

by Anonymous 5 on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:20 PM

I grew up in a household with no physical contact to show love, aswell.  The object of the game is not only to show him you love him by hugging and physical contact. In other words "Actions" speak louder than words. I've always loved children, (I helped with my siblings while growing up), I'm one of eight children the oldest girl, one brother older than me, the rest of them younger. We raised our children to the best of our ability, Since we only knew what our parents did with us, we usually try to imitate their methods. (Unless as in your case, you are neglected, or abused etc). Most parents will go out of their way to make sure they don't do the same with their children if that is the case. Our adopted grand daughter is almost ten, and she knows how much she is loved here. However once in a while she plays up, and will say that we don't love her sometimes, or that she hates us. That is kind of normal behaviour to us, because we know when we say "NO" sometimes she'll react to it. We're doing it for the CHILD, and she'll realize it when she grows up, how much she is loved.  My parents obviously loved us children, but they didn't know how to physically show it with hugs and ohter terms of endearment. I had my first hug at about age thirty five or so, and found out how wonderful it was to be "needed" but kmow that my parents obviously did love me. All my children came to me and said, "Thankyou for loving me" now that they have their own children, they're finding out how much their kids are like they were LOL

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