I hate to be the one to tell you, but...*update* Update #2
We just had an exterminator come today and found out YES, we do have them. The treatment they provide is guaranteed, but it costs $2200.
The plus side of this method is that we won't have to get rid of our mattresses or bedding or anything, which would make this inconvenience of ickiness even more expensive.
The children will no longer be allowed to play with the neighbors. Fuck this shit.
Sometimes when I'm alone, I like to Google myself.