Depressed About My Pregnancy- Drank Heavily Before I Knew
I am ten weeks pregnant now, and my husband and I just told our families this weekend about the baby.
Everyone is overjoyed. This baby will be the first grandchild on both sides, and they could not be happier for us.
The problem is that I am incredibly depressed and feel like I would give anything if I could just die suddenly, if the ground could just swallow me whole. What should be the happiest time in my life has been completely ruined by the fact that I was drinking heavily before I found out I was pregnant, at 4 weeks and a few days after my last period.
My husband and I just started talking about having kids. We had unprotected sex once, several days before when I was supposed to ovulate. I left town for a work retreat and was gone throughout my fertile period. I continued to drink like I normally would- almost nightly, just a glass or 2 of wine, rarely more. As a precaution, 5-6 days before my period, I took a pregnancy test (the expensive, early detection kind), which was negative.
When I was exactly 28 days from my last period, I had a party night and drank way too much. I had about 12 glasses of wine and a beer. I was drunk, but I was not sick or falling over. I am ashamed to say that I even drove myself home after the party that night, with no problems (other than being buzzed).
The next day, a Saturday, I had 3 drinks, then on Sunday I had 4 or 5 beers at a 6 hour long cookout with friends.
The next day, I felt like my period was late, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive.
My doctor says that there is a small but significant chance that my child will have fetal alcohol related birth defects. He says that a binge drinking episode in the first trimester is the most likely to cause severe damage.
I am so devastated, I cannot think about anything else other than what I have done to my child, to myself, to my family. Everyone around me is celebrating, and I am grieving. I feel like I am being punished for being an idiot and not realizing that once is all it takes to create a life, and one weekend of bad choices has ruined my life and my child's life.
At ten weeks pregnant now, I am too far along to have an abortion without anyone knowing. (I woudl have to be sedated, which would require someone to drive me to and from the clinic. My husband will not do it, as he is very prolife and insists that the baby will be fine.)