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I was told a "secret" about my dh and his friends. I don't think I can get past it

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We were together for 3 yrs before we got married. 

When we first got together he introduced me to his friends. He was very close to his bestfriend and his wife. I became close to them as well. The 4 of us always hung out and they stood in our wedding. 

Over the weekend the 4 of us went out to celebrate St Patricks Day. We have been out to bars many times in the past and we always have a great time, this particular night was no different. Until me and the other girl went to the ladies room. 

While we were in the ladies room and freshning up our makeup and chit chatting she starts talking about orgies and 3-somes and 4-somes. She asks me if I have ever participated in anything like that and I confessed to doing something silly and minor in my early 20's. I asked her the same question and she responded with "oh yes, we used to have lots of fun together" .. I said "you and mark?"(her dh and my dh's bff) and she says "yes and with someone else you know very well" I was dumbfounded so asked who.. and she just sort of looks at me and says "oh my god you really don't know do you" i said "don't know what" she wasn't going to tell me but I was very persistent and I could tell that she thought I would be upset if I knew. I finally got it out of her... 

apparently before I met my DH the 3 of them used to have orgies. More than once, I guess it happened "many times for a couple of years" .. the last time it happened was just a few weeks before him and I got together. She swears there has not been any 3-somes since him and I have been together. I basically told her that I am not to sure what to think about all of this. I had been drinking and wanted to try to keep a level head and not over react, because it is so easy to do when you have been drinking and I didn't want to embarass myself.

When we got back to the area we were hanging out, I told my DH that I wanted to go home and of course he wanted to know why and Mark wanted to know what was going on - I told him to talk to his wife. I didn't say anything more and I left. I was waiting outside and DH came out, I figured because it took him a bit to come outside that she must have told him why I was upset. The first thing he said to me was, "I knew you would be upset if you knew because of the type of person you are so I didn't want you to know" he said "I wanted you to like them and be friends with them" 

The cab ride home was silent. When we got home I told him there was no point in talking about it because he never had any intentions of ever telling me so why start now. 

The type of person I am? what kind of crap is that! I was good enough to marry and good enough to be the mother of your son. Im good enough to share a bank account with but not good enough to know that you used to fuck your bestfriends wife in front of him! 

I am not upset that they used to do that, although I think it's gross and he's right I most likely wouldn't have liked them. I am more upset that I wasn't told. 

I don't know how to get past this. Obviously he has no intention of ever doing that again, I know that he is faithful to me. But I don't know how I am going to ever be friends with 2 these people again. I will never look at them the same. I don't even want to look at the wedding pictures on my wall with them in them. I think I will remove them. 

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:44 PM
Replies (11-20):
by Emerald Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:53 PM

Quoting Anonymous:

nothing would have stopped me from marrying him! 

The point is, we are friends with these people. For the past 4 years I have spent almost every weekend with the 3 of them. Now I will never be able to look at the 3 of them together the same again. I used to think of them as brothers and sister. Now I am grossed out! 

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

Its his past. It has no bearing on who he is today. If you knew before marrying him would it have prevented you from marrying him? I don't understand why his past pisses you off yet your own past was very similar.

 bury her secret and get back to being friends. These have been friends do you really want to give them up ?

Surround yourself with people that add to your life not subtract from it.

by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:53 PM

Ya i am sorry i have to agree with these other ladies. His past is his past. Im sure you did things that he wouldnt like. Yes maybe he should have told you but he didnt. If hes not done it since being with you then thats really all that matters. He obviously loves you and it would be so sad to throw away a marriage over something he did before you were ever even in the picture.

by Anonymous 4 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:54 PM
Found out my husband and his brother had sex with a girl at the same time. I got over it.
by Sammii. Tar ♥ on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:55 PM

Yup you're crazy. why let this ruin a friendship. you obviously dont care about any of them

by Anonymous 5 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:55 PM
4 moms liked this
I can understand why you are upset. I would feel the same way you feel. ((Hugs))
by Sapphire Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:55 PM

Quoting Anonymous:

I think you are overreacting.

by Anonymous 6 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:55 PM
I understand your feelings, and I think i would feel the same.
But it is his past, and doesn't change who he is now or what you have together.
I hope you an et past this.
Best wishes
by Anonymous 7 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:55 PM
1 mom liked this

I know everyone has a past, but I doubt I would be able to either. It's one thing to know about it vs. having to look at the people who were part of that sexual past.

by Jamie on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:56 PM
1 mom liked this
I would be upset also and don't think I could be friends that my dh had orgies with
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by Anonymous 8 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:56 PM
5 moms liked this
Oh boy...I say make up with him. Forgive him for not telling you & drop the 2 "friends."
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