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I was told a "secret" about my dh and his friends. I don't think I can get past it

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We were together for 3 yrs before we got married. 

When we first got together he introduced me to his friends. He was very close to his bestfriend and his wife. I became close to them as well. The 4 of us always hung out and they stood in our wedding. 

Over the weekend the 4 of us went out to celebrate St Patricks Day. We have been out to bars many times in the past and we always have a great time, this particular night was no different. Until me and the other girl went to the ladies room. 

While we were in the ladies room and freshning up our makeup and chit chatting she starts talking about orgies and 3-somes and 4-somes. She asks me if I have ever participated in anything like that and I confessed to doing something silly and minor in my early 20's. I asked her the same question and she responded with "oh yes, we used to have lots of fun together" .. I said "you and mark?"(her dh and my dh's bff) and she says "yes and with someone else you know very well" I was dumbfounded so asked who.. and she just sort of looks at me and says "oh my god you really don't know do you" i said "don't know what" she wasn't going to tell me but I was very persistent and I could tell that she thought I would be upset if I knew. I finally got it out of her... 

apparently before I met my DH the 3 of them used to have orgies. More than once, I guess it happened "many times for a couple of years" .. the last time it happened was just a few weeks before him and I got together. She swears there has not been any 3-somes since him and I have been together. I basically told her that I am not to sure what to think about all of this. I had been drinking and wanted to try to keep a level head and not over react, because it is so easy to do when you have been drinking and I didn't want to embarass myself.

When we got back to the area we were hanging out, I told my DH that I wanted to go home and of course he wanted to know why and Mark wanted to know what was going on - I told him to talk to his wife. I didn't say anything more and I left. I was waiting outside and DH came out, I figured because it took him a bit to come outside that she must have told him why I was upset. The first thing he said to me was, "I knew you would be upset if you knew because of the type of person you are so I didn't want you to know" he said "I wanted you to like them and be friends with them" 

The cab ride home was silent. When we got home I told him there was no point in talking about it because he never had any intentions of ever telling me so why start now. 

The type of person I am? what kind of crap is that! I was good enough to marry and good enough to be the mother of your son. Im good enough to share a bank account with but not good enough to know that you used to fuck your bestfriends wife in front of him! 

I am not upset that they used to do that, although I think it's gross and he's right I most likely wouldn't have liked them. I am more upset that I wasn't told. 

I don't know how to get past this. Obviously he has no intention of ever doing that again, I know that he is faithful to me. But I don't know how I am going to ever be friends with 2 these people again. I will never look at them the same. I don't even want to look at the wedding pictures on my wall with them in them. I think I will remove them. 

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:44 PM
Replies (21-30):
by Ruby Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:56 PM
1 mom liked this
It happened in the past. He stopped when you two met...I think that says a lot of his character. A lot of men these days will keep doing it in spite of having a SO.

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by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:57 PM
I wouldn't care.
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by Anonymous 9 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:57 PM
Yea, I'd be super pissed too.
by Bronze Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:57 PM
I understand that it shocked you. I would have been shocked and a lil disgusted. But it is his past before you. & he hasn't been unfaithful to you. So try your best to get past it. My mom always said "don't hold someones past againts em, because you never know when yours will come back to haunt you!" Be understanding, Hun.
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by Anonymous 10 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:58 PM

are you jealous, OP?

the 4 of your should plan something and have fun too?? WOOOOOHOOOOO

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:58 PM

that is exactly what my gf said when I talked to her this morning. Either that or she wants to try to get me to be ok with the idea. Not ever going to happen. she needs to play with her own husband and leave mine alone. 

It sucks because I really liked them. And we all got along so great. But I am just not sure anymore. 

Quoting Mom2KIL:

I am sorry that happened. I guess I just don't get why she even brought it up. If he hasn't cheated on you then why did she want you to know? Did she want you to join in or did she want to cause problems between you and your DH so that she could get some action from him? I wouldn't be their friends either simply because she is trying to cause problems in your marriage. Although I think it is odd behavior, the past is the past, and I wouldn't be upset with your DH because he hasn't been unfaithful to you. But that is hard to wrap your head around. Sorry momma!!! Good luck!

by Anonymous 11 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:59 PM

WOW!!!! This sounds like something out of a soap opera!!! I'm so sorry OP!! I would be very upset as well! Your DH should have told you while you guys were still dating!! My DH and I sat down and shared our past sex lives with each other, so there aren't any 'secrets' of our past sex lives which is the way we both wanted it.

Good luck to you OP!!

by Ruby Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:59 PM
1 mom liked this
I think he probably meant his statement as a compliment, not an insult.
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by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:59 PM
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ugghhh I'd be very upset...1. I can't stand lying and he was basically not completely honest 2. I wouldn't want to constantly be hanging out with someone my dh f*cked 3. his bullshit excuse, umm he didn't tell u because he was afraid u wouldn't want to be with him and he knew u wouldn't want to hang out with his bff and bffs wife....wat a little pussy!
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by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:59 PM
1 mom liked this

 I wouldn't be too happy with dh and his friends.  It would be hard to hang out with them knowing what they did, even though it hasn't happened in a while.  And for him to brush it off saying he knew you'd be upset would bother me.  

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