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I was told a "secret" about my dh and his friends. I don't think I can get past it

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post


My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We were together for 3 yrs before we got married. 

When we first got together he introduced me to his friends. He was very close to his bestfriend and his wife. I became close to them as well. The 4 of us always hung out and they stood in our wedding. 

Over the weekend the 4 of us went out to celebrate St Patricks Day. We have been out to bars many times in the past and we always have a great time, this particular night was no different. Until me and the other girl went to the ladies room. 

While we were in the ladies room and freshning up our makeup and chit chatting she starts talking about orgies and 3-somes and 4-somes. She asks me if I have ever participated in anything like that and I confessed to doing something silly and minor in my early 20's. I asked her the same question and she responded with "oh yes, we used to have lots of fun together" .. I said "you and mark?"(her dh and my dh's bff) and she says "yes and with someone else you know very well" I was dumbfounded so asked who.. and she just sort of looks at me and says "oh my god you really don't know do you" i said "don't know what" she wasn't going to tell me but I was very persistent and I could tell that she thought I would be upset if I knew. I finally got it out of her... 

apparently before I met my DH the 3 of them used to have orgies. More than once, I guess it happened "many times for a couple of years" .. the last time it happened was just a few weeks before him and I got together. She swears there has not been any 3-somes since him and I have been together. I basically told her that I am not to sure what to think about all of this. I had been drinking and wanted to try to keep a level head and not over react, because it is so easy to do when you have been drinking and I didn't want to embarass myself.

When we got back to the area we were hanging out, I told my DH that I wanted to go home and of course he wanted to know why and Mark wanted to know what was going on - I told him to talk to his wife. I didn't say anything more and I left. I was waiting outside and DH came out, I figured because it took him a bit to come outside that she must have told him why I was upset. The first thing he said to me was, "I knew you would be upset if you knew because of the type of person you are so I didn't want you to know" he said "I wanted you to like them and be friends with them" 

The cab ride home was silent. When we got home I told him there was no point in talking about it because he never had any intentions of ever telling me so why start now. 

The type of person I am? what kind of crap is that! I was good enough to marry and good enough to be the mother of your son. Im good enough to share a bank account with but not good enough to know that you used to fuck your bestfriends wife in front of him! 

I am not upset that they used to do that, although I think it's gross and he's right I most likely wouldn't have liked them. I am more upset that I wasn't told. 

I don't know how to get past this. Obviously he has no intention of ever doing that again, I know that he is faithful to me. But I don't know how I am going to ever be friends with 2 these people again. I will never look at them the same. I don't even want to look at the wedding pictures on my wall with them in them. I think I will remove them. 



Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:44 PM
Replies (31-40):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 12 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:00 PM
1 mom liked this
Ugh, i still cant get past the fact that my dh told me when we first started dating that he had a threesome in the past. Gross!
mem82
by Platinum Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Me too.

Quoting LuLuThatsWho:

I would feel exactly the way that you do.  I'm sorry.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
nerdymom28
by Ruby Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:00 PM

 It's his past, so I wouldn't hold it against him. It stopped when he met you, he hasn't done it since, so what's done is done.

But I see that your real issue here is his friends. I agree with you - I would never be able to look at them the same again. I definitely wouldn't be able to hang out with them again anytime soon. Maybe never. That's just too weird for me.

jillbailey26
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:01 PM
3 moms liked this

It happened before you and it hasn't happened since he's been with you.  They're friends.  You're friends with them.  So they must not be horrible people.

If we judged everyone by their past, no one would get married or be friends.  None of us are perfect.  Plus, you've done "something silly and minor" also, do you want them judging you for that?


"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification"  Romans 14:19

Anonymous
by Anonymous 13 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:02 PM
1 mom liked this

Sooo -you're mad at him for something he did before you guys got married?  Get a life and get over it.  If you had to be mad at him, be mad at him for something he does WHILE you're married.  I'm sure there's plenty.  Sheesh.

Mom2wife1
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:02 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm wondering why she felt like bringing it up at that very moment...

bellawomen
by Summer on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:02 PM
I don't see the issue. They are all consenting adults.
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alyssaravensmom
by Platinum Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:02 PM
2 moms liked this
I don't get why women don't think you have a reason to be hurt. I'm sorry he should have told you.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
davnrori
by Platinum Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:02 PM
1 mom liked this

 The past is the past, especially things that happened before you ever came into the picture. You liked these people before you found out and now this changes your mind? It's not like they are into child pornography or rapists or murderers or something. No wonder your husband didn't want to tell you. You are judgmental and it sounds like you are more than a little uptight. Your DH married you in spite of obviously knowing these things about you and you should be thankful for that. You are going to come between your DH and his best friends? Don't be surprised if you're the one who loses in this situation.

model1000mom
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:02 PM

I wouldnt be able to be friends either. So sorry your Dh didnt tell you. I think the friend did it in hopes you would be "cool" with it so you all can "have some fun". I would remove their pics and let DH know how it makes you feel and that you cant (at least for the time being) associate with them. Good luck.

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