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I was told a "secret" about my dh and his friends. I don't think I can get past it

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

My husband and I have been married for almost a year. We were together for 3 yrs before we got married. 

When we first got together he introduced me to his friends. He was very close to his bestfriend and his wife. I became close to them as well. The 4 of us always hung out and they stood in our wedding. 

Over the weekend the 4 of us went out to celebrate St Patricks Day. We have been out to bars many times in the past and we always have a great time, this particular night was no different. Until me and the other girl went to the ladies room. 

While we were in the ladies room and freshning up our makeup and chit chatting she starts talking about orgies and 3-somes and 4-somes. She asks me if I have ever participated in anything like that and I confessed to doing something silly and minor in my early 20's. I asked her the same question and she responded with "oh yes, we used to have lots of fun together" .. I said "you and mark?"(her dh and my dh's bff) and she says "yes and with someone else you know very well" I was dumbfounded so asked who.. and she just sort of looks at me and says "oh my god you really don't know do you" i said "don't know what" she wasn't going to tell me but I was very persistent and I could tell that she thought I would be upset if I knew. I finally got it out of her... 

apparently before I met my DH the 3 of them used to have orgies. More than once, I guess it happened "many times for a couple of years" .. the last time it happened was just a few weeks before him and I got together. She swears there has not been any 3-somes since him and I have been together. I basically told her that I am not to sure what to think about all of this. I had been drinking and wanted to try to keep a level head and not over react, because it is so easy to do when you have been drinking and I didn't want to embarass myself.

When we got back to the area we were hanging out, I told my DH that I wanted to go home and of course he wanted to know why and Mark wanted to know what was going on - I told him to talk to his wife. I didn't say anything more and I left. I was waiting outside and DH came out, I figured because it took him a bit to come outside that she must have told him why I was upset. The first thing he said to me was, "I knew you would be upset if you knew because of the type of person you are so I didn't want you to know" he said "I wanted you to like them and be friends with them" 

The cab ride home was silent. When we got home I told him there was no point in talking about it because he never had any intentions of ever telling me so why start now. 

The type of person I am? what kind of crap is that! I was good enough to marry and good enough to be the mother of your son. Im good enough to share a bank account with but not good enough to know that you used to fuck your bestfriends wife in front of him! 

I am not upset that they used to do that, although I think it's gross and he's right I most likely wouldn't have liked them. I am more upset that I wasn't told. 

I don't know how to get past this. Obviously he has no intention of ever doing that again, I know that he is faithful to me. But I don't know how I am going to ever be friends with 2 these people again. I will never look at them the same. I don't even want to look at the wedding pictures on my wall with them in them. I think I will remove them. 

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 18, 2013 at 1:44 PM
Replies (41-50):
by Anonymous 14 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:02 PM
1 mom liked this
Honestly, I have a very chilled attitude towards sex. My last two serious boyfriends have had threesomes with their best friends and I have no problem with that. I understand that it was their pasts, but I was told very early on. However I would still be upset in your situation. They all lied by omission for years.
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:02 PM
In my opinion, you are over reacting.
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by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:03 PM
She's trying to start trouble....
by Anonymous 15 on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:04 PM
Oh man. I would've been cool with it if I had been told from the beginning ,and been friends with them and everything. But him not telling you would feel like they were all laughing behind my back about it.
by Ruby Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:04 PM
1 mom liked this

You have a right to be upset. You guys have been friends for all this time and you feel like everyone hid something from you (which they did). I can understand never being able to hang with all of them again.

by Silver Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:04 PM
4 moms liked this
I wouldn't be upset about what happened in his past, but I WOULD NOT feel comfortable hanging out with that woman and her DH any longer.... just knowing that he's in the presence of someone who he has a sexual history with would not be okay with me whatsoever. My jealous side would be paranoid that he's imagining those steamy nights while she's sitting right there.... just no.

So now id have a problem on my hands, because, to be honest and frank, I would not be okay with HIM hanging out with them either at all from now on. But of course you're going to get the whole 'youre trying to make me choose' thing then.... I honestly don't know what id do but I know id refuse to be around an ex fuck-buddy of my DHs. That's that.
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by Ruby Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:05 PM

Yeah, what if it was his ex girlfriend and you liked her as a person?

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:05 PM

im not mad at him for what he did. read my entire post. i am upset that i was  not told and that i have become friends with the 2 people he has the 3 somes with. They stood in our wedding. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Sooo -you're mad at him for something he did before you guys got married?  Get a life and get over it.  If you had to be mad at him, be mad at him for something he does WHILE you're married.  I'm sure there's plenty.  Sheesh.

by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:05 PM
My best friend is married to one of my exes. We are all friends. Get over it. As long as its noy happening still u r good. And im guessing he means prudish lol

Quoting Anonymous:

nothing would have stopped me from marrying him! 

The point is, we are friends with these people. For the past 4 years I have spent almost every weekend with the 3 of them. Now I will never be able to look at the 3 of them together the same again. I used to think of them as brothers and sister. Now I am grossed out! 

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

Its his past. It has no bearing on who he is today. If you knew before marrying him would it have prevented you from marrying him? I don't understand why his past pisses you off yet your own past was very similar.

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by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 2:07 PM

Uh yes- you say you were no angel... you slept around- you "did something like that"............

the past is PAST.   Let it go.

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