I've Gained 20LBS Since January (kind of long ED post)
My medical records say that I have "a history of disordered eating, specifically anorexia bing/purge subtype". The truth is, I cannot remember a time when I had a healthy relationship with food. For a very short time in my adult life I maintained a healthy weight, by healthy means. Since that time, I have gone back and forth between being around 20 pounds overweight and around 100 pounds overweight. Basically, I overcame the urge to starve and/or purge, but not the need to binge. At my worst, I once ate three fast food chicken sandwiches and a large fry in the 10 minutes (if that) that it took me to drive from the drive thru to my home.
Shortly after moving to a new state in late 2011, I made up my mind to get healthy. I decided I did not want to be skinny, but toned and athletic (the way my body is naturally geared to look). So, I subscribed to Oxygen magazine and got to it. I lost 30 pounds from October 2011 to April 2012. My mother came to visit for a few weeks, and she was proud of me for not only losing weight, but for doing so at a slow and steady pace. I also suffer from major recurrent depression, and when my mother went back home in May, I started to slip into one of my low moods.
Between the end of May and July, two of my family members back home died, my dog died, and three family members were diagnosed with cancer. For financial reasons, I was not able to go home to be with my family at any of these times. When I saw I had gained 10 pounds, my usually tidy house was a disaster, and my child (who was barely out of toddlerhood) was making her own breakfast and lunch, I pulled myself back up, lost those ten pounds, and then lost another ten, and then a few more. In total, in a year I had gone from 260 pounds (the most I have ever weighed) to 216 pounds.
My weight loss kind of leveled off at that point, as tends to happen sometimes, and of course during the holidays I gained a few. I thought I was doing well, because that did not bother me, and I was able to say "Okay, that happens to everyone. Back to work after the holidays."
Then, a week after her birthday, my grandmother died in January. It was the fourth and hardest death I had had to deal with in such a short time. Again, I was not able to go home. Last week I stood on the scale. 236.2 pounds. I could not understand it, because most days I have not been eating much. A few days later I realized that I have been bingeing almost as soon as my family is in bed at night. From about 9pm to midnight, I have just been consuming massive amounts of calories. I have also been irritable and depressed. Unlike the last time this happened, I have not pulled myself up. Instead, after eating over half a pizza this weekend, I tried to make myself throw up for the first time in years. I was in the shower, trying my hardest, but nothing would come up and I was afraid my husband would hear me gagging so I just curled up and cried until the water ran cold. I have started to make myself eat regular meals again during the day, but I have been getting it in my head that...I don't know...the regular healthy meals are just piling up on the previous binges, and that I need to get rid of everything before I can eat again. Sound stupid, right? So, I have been using laxatives again.
I was so hopeful last year, but now I just cannot help but feel that I will never have a healthy attitude towards food. Even when I was following a healthy eating plan, and not purging, it was always in the back of my head..."these foods are safe, and these foods are not". I can only eat things like plain oatmeal, raw vegetables, apples, and citrus without feeling guilty.
Okay, this turned out a lot longer than I thought it would, and I do not know what the point was. Maybe I just needed to get it all out. Maybe part of me is hoping my husband secretly lurks on my CafeMom account when I am not around and he'll see it. I don't know.