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I've Gained 20LBS Since January (kind of long ED post)

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

My medical records say that I have "a history of disordered eating, specifically anorexia bing/purge subtype".  The truth is, I cannot remember a time when I had a healthy relationship with food.  For a very short time in my adult life I maintained a healthy weight, by healthy means.  Since that time, I have gone back and forth between being around 20 pounds overweight and around 100 pounds overweight.  Basically, I overcame the urge to starve and/or purge, but not the need to binge.  At my worst, I once ate three fast food chicken sandwiches and a large fry in the 10 minutes (if that) that it took me to drive from the drive thru to my home.

Shortly after moving to a new state in late 2011, I made up my mind to get healthy.  I decided I did not want to be skinny, but toned and athletic (the way my body is naturally geared to look).  So, I subscribed to Oxygen magazine and got to it.  I lost 30 pounds from October 2011 to April 2012.  My mother came to visit for a few weeks, and she was proud of me for not only losing weight, but for doing so at a slow and steady pace.  I also suffer from major recurrent depression, and when my mother went back home in May, I started to slip into one of my low moods.

Between the end of May and July, two of my family members back home died, my dog died, and three family members were diagnosed with cancer.  For financial reasons, I was not able to go home to be with my family at any of these times.   When I saw I had gained 10 pounds, my usually tidy house was a disaster, and my child (who was barely out of toddlerhood) was making her own breakfast and lunch, I pulled myself back up, lost those ten pounds, and then lost another ten, and then a few more.  In total, in a year I had gone from 260 pounds (the most I have ever weighed) to 216 pounds.

My weight loss kind of leveled off at that point, as tends to happen sometimes, and of course during the holidays I gained a few.  I thought I was doing well, because that did not bother me, and I was able to say "Okay, that happens to everyone.  Back to work after the holidays."

Then, a week after her birthday, my grandmother died in January.  It was the fourth and hardest death I had had to deal with in such a short time.  Again, I was not able to go home.  Last week I stood on the scale.  236.2 pounds.  I could not understand it, because most days I have not been eating much.  A few days later I realized that I have been bingeing almost as soon as my family is in bed at night.  From about 9pm to midnight, I have just been consuming massive amounts of calories.  I have also been irritable and depressed.  Unlike the last time this happened, I have not pulled myself up.  Instead, after eating over half a pizza this weekend, I tried to make myself throw up for the first time in years.  I was in the shower, trying my hardest, but nothing would come up and I was afraid my husband would hear me gagging so I just curled up and cried until the water ran cold.  I have started to make myself eat regular meals again during the day, but I have been getting it in my head that...I don't know...the regular healthy meals are just piling up on the previous binges, and that I need to get rid of everything before I can eat again.  Sound stupid, right?  So, I have been using laxatives again.

I was so hopeful last year, but now I just cannot help but feel that I will never have a healthy attitude towards food.  Even when I was following a healthy eating plan, and not purging, it was always in the back of my head..."these foods are safe, and these foods are not".  I can only eat things like plain oatmeal, raw vegetables, apples, and citrus without feeling guilty.

Okay, this turned out a lot longer than I thought it would, and I do not know what the point was.  Maybe I just needed to get it all out.  Maybe part of me is hoping my husband secretly lurks on my CafeMom account when I am not around and he'll see it.  I don't know.

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 20, 2013 at 3:35 AM
Replies (11-15):
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 4:35 AM
No effort is small, not when it comes to your health. Just know you're not alone.

Quoting Anonymous:

I do not know if I am ready for that yet.  I did just apply to one of the eating disorder support groups here on CafeMom though.

Quoting notabosley:

I've been there. Monday I had to call a friend to keep from binge eating all afternoon. I still consumed way too much food that day, but I wasn't crying like crazy afterwards. I know it's hard, but you Have to take the first step and tell someone who is close to you, you need help. You're not going to get cps called on you. You need help, period.

If tonight posting this was a big step for you, open the post in the morning, and ask dh to read it. Trust me DF loves me enough to know what to do. Your dh can't let you down, not if you take the first step.

Quoting Anonymous:

Part of me knows this.  That is probably the most dangerous thing about eating disorders...the logical side of your mind and the part of your mind that has been warped are constantly battling.  It is like hearing voices.

People say, "So just stop", but they do not realize that bingeing, purging, working out, etc. are compulsive behaviors for people like me.  Case in point, when I said I did not know why I had gained weight.  My brain just blocked out my binges.  I really did not realize I was eating so much every night.

Quoting notabosley:

It's not about negligence, I don't see how they could even do that. You have a legitimate medical disorder. You need treatment and help. I'm a member of overeaters anon, for that very reason. My doctor and family, including my DF, are fully aware of my disorder. I'm slowly losing weight, but weight to me is not what is the greatest concern. Not binge eating is what is important. You can't stop without help.

Quoting Anonymous:

I am very close to my mother and siblings, but they are all dealing with their own lives right now, so I do not want to burden them.  My mother is still sorting out her mother's home and belongings (she is not the oldest, but her siblings kind of look to her as the strong one); my sister is pregnant; and my baby brother is finally leading an adult life in his own apartment with a great job.  As I live far away now, they do not know what I look like, and I have them convinced I am at a healthy weight and doing fine.  I have not discussed my disordered eating with a doctor since I was pregnant (the one time I did not care about my own body, because I was so happy and only concerned about my child's well being).  I am afraid to know, because I have a fear of being labeled a negligent mother.

Quoting notabosley:

Please, please don't give up. Go see your doctor, tell your family. You deserve to live a healthy lifestyle. (((hugs))) I know this had to be hard for you posting here. Just get help, if not for any other person but yourself.

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 4:55 AM
I know exactly how you feel. I have always had a bad relationship with food and battled with eating disorders since I was a teenager. I have about 20 kg to loose and it kills me. I am always up and down. I also suffer from depresion. I won't attend family functions until I have lost weight. I am also surrounded by food as we own a fish and chip take away. The way I do it is take it hour by hour, day by day, week by week. When I think of eating I drink water and also have low gi shakes. I am following a low carb diet which curbs the cravings.I am loosing slowly, about 1kg a week which is okay, feel encouraged and message me if you want to talk.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 6:33 AM

I am also in the ED group on CM. ED takes away everything from your life. I also have kids and know the guilt associated with feeeling like a parent.. Remember, one day at a time. We sound a lot alike. I have binge issues but overexercise to get rid of the calories. I hope these groups help you. I have found some very good advice here.

by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 10:17 AM
Good luck!!! You can do it! You've shown you have the willpower. Ill be here on the sidelines cheering for you :)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 20, 2013 at 2:07 PM

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement ladies. :)

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