Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Do you believe that people only treat you how you let them treat you?

Posted by   + Show Post

I read so many stories of how all of these women are controlled, intimidated, and scared of their bf, SO, or Dh, etc. It makes me sad and glad that I have never been in that situation, but then again, I don't allow people to intimidate me either. I try not to judge, I really do, but when you constantly make excuses and refuse to leave, then what exactly do you want us to say?? I strongly believe that people only treat you how you allow them to treat you. It is NOT your fault that they started the behavior or that they chose to act that way, but if you choose to stay, even when people are offering to help you out of the situation, then that is at the very least careless.

I have seen so much of this first hand and it breaks my heart. If I had the means to do so, I would come rescue each and every single one of you out of whatever bad situation you are in, but unfortunately, I am not and it seems as if some of you don't want it. It is like an addict...you have to want to be out of the situation...no one can force you. That is what they taught us when I volunteered at the domestic violence center...you can't force someone to leave, you can only support them and give them options and follow through with them if they choose to let you help. I hope you ladies who are in these types of situations will choose to let someone help you before it is too late. I'd help you personally if possible, but I am not in the financial situation to help anyone right now. However, I do know people who can help if you are in my area (Tennessee) and even if you are not, I would be happy to talk to anyone that needs help and try to help you find the resources you need. 

I'm just throwing all that out there. Good night!

by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 5:10 AM
Replies (81-90):
witchybabymomma
by Bronze Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 1:31 PM
1 mom liked this

 Just want to point out that statistically deaths from domestic abuse are higher for those who leave the abuser, so fear I am sure plays a large part in the reason some do not leave.

LexsMami
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 4:05 PM
Wow that is insane. I'm not sure what Tennessee law is. It is probably the same. How sad that the girl you know had to go to those lengths to avoid him. Yes, some people really just do not think about the repercussions of their actions.
Quoting Mom2_Jimmy_Anka:

That is actually the standard in most states. Unless the parent hurts the child they have a right to see them. I know a girl who had an abortion so she wouldn't have to be tied to her abuser after she left him. It is ridiculous that people make false claims to hurt their ex when all it does is hurt victims of abuse.

Quoting LexsMami:

How sad that they felt the need to do that due to women's false accusations. How long ago did they implement that law?

Quoting Mom2_Jimmy_Anka:

I am in VT. We have pretty tough abuse laws here and the cops take it very seriously. The reason the child custody laws are set up the way they are is to prevent a woman from falsely accusing a man of abuse to keep him away from his children.

Quoting LexsMami:

Very true. Do you mind sharing your state?



This is just my personal opinion, but if states choose to have lax laws for abuse, I think they should be required to build and maintain shelters that are large enough or have enough to be accessible (especially in more rural areas with transportation provided) for the women the refuse to protect with laws and punishment for abusers.




Quoting Mom2_Jimmy_Anka:

Where I live there is no woman's shelter in my town. The closest one is 27 miles away and we don't have public transportation. Also in many states an abuser can still get joint custody of any children unless he has also physically or sexually abused them. Abusers have been known to kill their children as revenge for their wife (or husband) leaving. Many abusers will try to get a woman pregnant to "trap" her in the relationship. Abuse is a multi-faceted issue and has been around since the beginning of time. It is an issue that will never be completely solved.



LexsMami
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 4:09 PM
That is what happened to my real mom. So sad. Listen, you are gorgeous and you deserve better. There is no reason to be embarrassed...tell your family what is going on so they can help you get away. If you like, pm me where you live and I will try to find you some resources that can help you. I wish you nothing but the best in your journey!
Quoting mommyakabooby:

The abusers don't start out that way. In the beginning the are kind, charming, and make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Then as the relationship progresses, they slowly start chipping away at your self esteem. They make their ideas seem like your ideas. Until you are pulled into their sick, sick world. Usually by the time a woman realizes she's in an abusive relationship, she completely dependant on her abuser. Then remember that by this point her self esteem is at an all time low as well, so even though she wants to leave, she doesn't believe she can. 

I have recently found myself in this situation. I'm working on getting my self esteem back. I am putting money in a private savings account, it's not much, 5 or 10 dollars here there. Whatever won't make him suspicious. I'm so embarrassed at the situation I'm in, that my family and my best friends don't even know what's happening to me. 

LexsMami
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 4:28 PM
I am so glad you found the strength to leave!! Here is a blanket response to those who have not agreed or criticized what I said: I actually do know what it is like. I guess you didn't read all of my replies. No one has ever personally physically abused me, but I lived in the same house and was finally able to get my friend away from her abuser. My "mom" and my real mom are also victims of abuse and I have tried to help them both. My mom is still in her situation and refuses to leave no matter how many people have tried to get her away from him. We no longer speak, but for other reasons...nothing to do with the abuse. My "mom" finally was able to get away from her abuser, but she did it on her own. She wouldn't listen to us kids. Some people are just like that and that is ok, but it is definitely frustrating to those who are trying to help and are wanting the pain to stop for their loved ones. I also volunteer with the domestic violence center in my town and hope to one day work as an attorney assisting victims of domestic violence, so yes, I do know quite a bit about it, although I have never been physically abused myself. People have verbally and mentally abused me in the past, but due to my character, it really did not have much of an impact, but it did not stop them from trying. I am not trying to victim blame at all. It is never the victim's fault that they are being abused. However, it is hard to understand why people choose to stay when people are actively trying to help them get away and they refuse the help, make excuses for the behavior, etc. It is quite a different story if you have no way to escape, nobody knows, and nobody is trying to help you. That is not hard to understand and I deeply sympathize with those women and applaud those who were able to escape despite those conditions.
Quoting svolkov:

This. Op I felt the same as you before my ex who abused me. Yhey are very sneaky and subtle. And before you know it you shut up and take it becuase you really believe he would take your baby and tell eberyone you were threatening suicide and to drown your own child.
I chose to leave but it took 8 yrs.
So until you have been there you shouldnt assume things you have no knowledge about.


Quoting Anonymous:

It's not that easy for some. That's how abuse works. They believe at some level they deserve it- or they believe there really is no hope in leaving. Sometimes they feel threatened and worried about their kids. (many men threaten the woman or children's lives if they leave- at the time it seems safer to stay jn the abuse). Sometimes they seriously cant afford to, or dont think they can. Sometimes they are just used to living in the abuse-they know how to live in that-but they don't know how to start a new life over. It's terrifying for them- ecspecially if they've had years of someone telling them they can't do it.

That's not to say victims have no responsibilities. Abuse is never your fault but it is always your responsibility to set boundaries and protect yourself and your children. The affects of wittnessing abuse can be much worse than even experiencing it. This is most true of the youngest children in the home. And there are resources out there that can help. Unfortuantely alot of women are taught not to set boundaries for themselves from an early age..... We are often conditioned to be pleasers. Suffering, as a woman, is still a virtue to some....

Anonymous
by Anonymous 12 on Mar. 21, 2013 at 4:31 PM
There's a lot more too it. In most cases strong women are abused, the most compassionate women. It starts out slow and unnoticeable then escalates.
LovelyMommy24
by on Mar. 21, 2013 at 4:35 PM
I've been there. PM any time if you need someone to talk to. ~Hugs~

Quoting mommyakabooby:

The abusers don't start out that way. In the beginning the are kind, charming, and make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Then as the relationship progresses, they slowly start chipping away at your self esteem. They make their ideas seem like your ideas. Until you are pulled into their sick, sick world. Usually by the time a woman realizes she's in an abusive relationship, she completely dependant on her abuser. Then remember that by this point her self esteem is at an all time low as well, so even though she wants to leave, she doesn't believe she can. 

I have recently found myself in this situation. I'm working on getting my self esteem back. I am putting money in a private savings account, it's not much, 5 or 10 dollars here there. Whatever won't make him suspicious. I'm so embarrassed at the situation I'm in, that my family and my best friends don't even know what's happening to me. 

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
LexsMami
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 4:36 PM
You do have a choice. Pm me your state/city and I will do my best to find someone to help you. I know he has you thinking that he is invincible, but it simply is not true. Everyone can be taken down, it is just a matter of details. I would really like to help you, so if you want the help, just let me know and I will do what I can. Please do not let him make you believe you are worthless...it simply isn't true. Everyone is a worthwhile person and deserves to be treated with respect and love. The way he is making you feel is uncalled for and you deserve better. I don't know you, but I do care and will attempt help you if you let me.
Quoting Anonymous:

My husband treats me like shit. He makes me feel worthless and when he calls me names, he will deny that he ever said it. I stay because I feel like I have no choice but to stay I'm not brave enough to leave, my family is not supportive and I fear losing my children. He will do anything he can to get the kid's. He will make the courts think I'm crazy.

LexsMami
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 4:42 PM
I am certainly not saying that at all. Like I have said before, if you would like me to try to find you help, please pm me your information and I will try. If you'd rather not, I understand. However, do tell your family, friends, etc. and try to get some help. Nobody deserves to be in an abusive situation or feel trapped. There is always someone who can help if you will accept it.
Quoting 25beengoodtome:

Some people cause you to feel worse when they say, You must enjoy the way you're being treated... or you'd leave."
If I left, I'd be arrested for car theft. Nothing is in my name.

LexsMami
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 4:47 PM
Hey girl! I didn't know you were in here too. I am so glad your sister got away from her abuser!! You are so right...having people to support you can make a world of difference. That is why I am trying to help some people out. I am hoping that someone will take me up on it. I can't do much, but I can certainly make phone calls and arrange things from a distance, etc. I'd even take someone in if needed. I just want to help as many people as I can, even if it is just a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
Quoting ivy801:

As the big sister of someone who has been in both physical and emotional abuse all I could do once done talking just let her know I was there for her. Remind her the door was open for when she was ready to leave. A supportive person being there can sometimes make the difference even if they don't see what you see. Funny how it was harder to help during the emotional abuse then the physical and it took a very sad thing to happen for her to open her eyes and see whet that guy was really about. I'm grateful that she finally opened her eyes and walked away.
LexsMami
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 4:51 PM

Ok Ladies, Thank you so much for your responses! I am sorry it took so long to get back to you, my internet has not wanted to work very well. Anyway, I am off again, but like I said, if ANYONE needs some help or just a shoulder to cry on, please feel free to pm me and I will do my best to help you!!!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)