It's been almost 20 years, and you've been there for me whenever I wanted you. Through all of my ups and downs, highs and lows. Some of my friends and family have never approved of you, but that never stopped me. They would list off the reasons, and I would shut my ears to them, defend my choice to have you. The fact that I love you, you made me feel good, you made my days easier and the stress of life lighter. You just felt so right, you were always so good. Sure, you were noticeably absent during my pregnancies, but you always came back to me. I always wanted you back.
Well I'm done. I can't take it anymore. You're toxic. They were all right all along, I should have listened to them so long ago - Practically from the first time I held you. But no, I wasn't ready then. I couldn't give you up. This hurts me, I know I will miss you. I know I will want you. I know I will have to fight the urge to welcome you back. But I will be strong. For myself, for my kids, for those that love me. I am done with you. No longer will I let you drag me down, make me an outcast among my peers. No longer will I suffer the snide remarks or judgmental glares. I will not make my loved ones suffer watching me with you.
How can I expect better for my children if this is the example I set?
I look forward to the day that I can put you well and truely behind me. When I no longer smell you on my clothes, when I don't reach for your comfort. I don't know how long this will take, but I WILL make it through this. I have enjoyed my time with you, but we are through. Goodbye nicotine, I'm done letting you kill me slowly. I finished my final pack today, and I am done.