when i was 19 i dated a guy i had known for 10 plus years. we dated when i was 14 he was my first boyfriend and first everything so i trusted him. when we got back together years later he was still an amazing guy so i thought. im going to try and avoid details to spare myself and everyone else the discomfort. but he attacked me, i can remember details like what he used to gag and tie me, how it felt to have his hands around my neck, words he said as i cried and gaged for air. His intent was to kill me he made it clear then with what he said and by bragging later. i can remember everything to the point that i was wearing a skirt and he ripped my legs apart. i cant remember him raping me. i told my best friend that he did after the fact and i know i wouldnt have lied about it. but i honestly cant remember him penatrating me. things just go blank after he ripped my legs apart. you probably want to know why i want to remember something so awful. I have suffered with this for years . i wanted to press charges but was so scared of him coming after me i just disapeared. had i done something then i could have gotten justice and maybe saved some other women from him. but i was so young and stupid and had no family support. i honestly felt my family would blame me. when i told my best friends no one spoke up for me or told me i had to report him that i wasnt to blame and no one would be mad at me. i dont blame them for anything but i wish someone had steped up when i was to weak and scared to do so. i want to heal. I want to know exactly what happened and be able to deal with it, but the unknown is killing me. i dont know if knowing will help anything, im sure it wont stop the dreams, or flashbacks but i cant even tell my therapist that i was raped because i have blocked out that part of what happened to me. My therapist said that sometimes we block out tramatic events...then why can i remember every other detail to the point its like reliving it, except that one thing?