I need a stepmom's opinion
- 50 Replies
My ex and I divorced a little over five years ago. He's been involved with two women since. His first girlfriend lived with him for 3 years and 10 months. When they broke up, she was still seeing our child on a regular basis, because she babysat during his time.
He began living with the mother of his son just under four years ago.
They broke up last August. And my daughter only found out last night. Since August, she hasn't been sleeping over the house they lived in, but has been sleeping at her grandparents.
Also, until last night, she hadn't seen her brother for more than a couple hours at a time, and had not seen her brother's mom except at times when she and her dad picked up or dropped off her brother. Her dad had told her that his girlfriend would get mad if she taught her brother bad manners or to say bad words like "shut up." So, our daughter's been thinking for months that if she could just be good enough, she could live with her brother and her dad's girlfriend again.
His girlfriend told her last night that she wasn't mad at her, and that sometimes things don't work out.But she would always be her friend. And she made sure our daughter knew her phone number.
She hasn't babysat our daughter since they broke up.
She hasn't seen her at all until last night. Our daughter was really upset. Just as upset as she was the last time he broke up with someone she loved, only now it's worse, because last time they promised to still see each other. She doesn't know where she'll live when she's with her dad.
She doesn't know when she'll see her brother again. Her puppy of three years is really her dad's girlfriend, so she doesn't know if she'll see her dog.
I'd like to work out a schedule for my daughter to see the woman who was essentially her stepmother for years. If I died, it's what I would like done for my husband.
If my husband and I divorced, I would make sure he still had visitation with her. I don't think things are ending well for my ex and his girlfriend. Family law records are public here, and nothing has been filed for them, but I know with my daughter, her dad has thrown all his money at trying to get custody over the years. That can make things complicated.
My mom was there when our daughter came in, crying. So she knows what's happening. She got very upset, and threatened to file for grandparents' rights if I gave up some of "my time" to his girlfriend. (Grandparents rights are unconstitutional in my state, so she doesn't know what she's saying.)
But am I overstepping my bounds as a parent if I call his girlfriend, to see how she'd like to move forward? Should I only be dealing with my ex-husband about this? Or should I just mind my own business, and leave it all up to my ex-husband? I just want to do what's best for our daughter, and I think that's to have lots of access to all of us.
EDIT: She just sent me a text message. My ex told her that he's going to get custody of their son. She said that she didn't know what she had done, or why I hated her so much, but she'd really like to talk to me because she's scared.
Grrrr... this is the bio mom/step mom dillema. I don't hate her! I never have. I assumed she hated me, because of how cooly she treated me. And I figured it made sense, because her boyfriend was dumping all his money into trying to fight me for custody. So, here we were for years, being all afraid that one hated the other, when really it was probably the guy spreading a lot of hate.
Update: She seemed strange and noncommittal about making a time to see my daughter. I sent her a text today that I had tickets to the zoo and love if she'd join me, and we'd buy her tickets. And she said that she didn't think that was a good idea, and that she and my daughter never really had a great relationship, but she's always available if she needs someone to talk to.
Then she added that she hopes I'll still meet her for coffee sometime without the kids so she can pick my brain about custody issues. Sad.
Break-ups/divorces are tough on kids, sometimes people seem to forget that. Its great that you are thinking of your dd's feelings in this. If you contacted the ex gf/stepmom, and she agreed to see your dd, I'm afraid this would just be postponing the whole pain of the breakup. From my experience, the ex may agree to see the child but will only do it for a short time, or not at all. Setting the child up for more heart ache. Sometimes it's best to just let the child "mourn" and then get over it. Life is hard and we do lose people in our lives for different reasons.
I am a step mom, who is currently married and has a step daughter, I also WAS a step mom to a beautiful little girl from the time I was 16 until I was 23 I still see her every weekend and sometimes through the week when I get her from school, I consider her my daughter and I always will. Breakups are just as hard for the step parents as they are for the kids and my advice for you would be call her and tell it can't hurt and your daughter deserves to know her brother and the little boy deserves to know and love his sister. Screw what anyone else says it's no ones business.
I would give the ex-gf a call and see what she thinks. If she's up for it, visits would be a great thing :)
Don't let your mom or anyone else bully you about this, you're being absolutely selfless, putting your dd's needs first. She has a brother and a dog now, of course she's going to want to visit them!!
I would at least give the courtesy to my ex to explain to him why I feel our daughter should continue a relationship with his ex, and see if he has a valid reason why that shouldn't happen. He knows her alot better than you or your daughter and maybe he has a valid reason.
Maybe not - and if he doesn't, it is your time to do with as you please and I see no reason why you shouldn't offer up some of your time if you think it's best for your daughter. I would think that dad would facilitate a relationship between his children though
His first girlfriend, who our daughter lived with for four years, stayed in her life for a long time. I can be kind of bitchy, so I thought my ex was being so nice and letting them spend so much time together because she babysat her while he worked, or went out on dates or with friends. But he might have really just been trying to do the decent thing.
But you're right that it didn't last. Eventually, she met a man she wanted to marry, and she moved away without saying goodbye to our daughter. That was a lot of crying.
Quoting robyann:Break-ups/divorces are tough on kids, sometimes people seem to forget that. Its great that you are thinking of your dd's feelings in this. If you contacted the ex gf/stepmom, and she agreed to see your dd, I'm afraid this would just be postponing the whole pain of the breakup. From my experience, the ex may agree to see the child but will only do it for a short time, or not at all. Setting the child up for more heart ache. Sometimes it's best to just let the child "mourn" and then get over it. Life is hard and we do lose people in our lives for different reasons.
Get everyone together and hire a mediator to work out a visitation schedule for everyone. Yes, it'll be a zoo, but if you have everyone there at once, you can hopefully get it done and over with.
I say call her. They have a bond, and you are good Mom for recognizing that. I wouldn't give her "visitation", but there is no reason she could not have her for a few hours here and there.
This is more than Dad's exgf though, she's her brother's mother. You should offer to alternate weeks so the sibs get to visit weekly (at the least) but it's not all on stepmom.
Quoting Anonymous:His first girlfriend, who our daughter lived with for four years, stayed in her life for a long time. I can be kind of bitchy, so I thought my ex was being so nice and letting them spend so much time together because she babysat her while he worked, or went out on dates or with friends. But he might have really just been trying to do the decent thing.
But you're right that it didn't last. Eventually, she met a man she wanted to marry, and she moved away without saying goodbye to our daughter. That was a lot of crying.Quoting robyann:Break-ups/divorces are tough on kids, sometimes people seem to forget that. Its great that you are thinking of your dd's feelings in this. If you contacted the ex gf/stepmom, and she agreed to see your dd, I'm afraid this would just be postponing the whole pain of the breakup. From my experience, the ex may agree to see the child but will only do it for a short time, or not at all. Setting the child up for more heart ache. Sometimes it's best to just let the child "mourn" and then get over it. Life is hard and we do lose people in our lives for different reasons.
leaving baby alone while i do laundry?