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DH wants to move out of state to be close to his kids update second update

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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2 moms liked this

 

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Question: What would you want to do?

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Here is the situation. Me and DH both have children from our first marriages, we don't have any together. My children are all grown they are: 20 and in college, 22 graduated from college and married, expecting her first child, 25 graduated from college and married with 2 children and 28, graduated from college, married and him and his wife are trying for their first (fingers crossed). All of my children, including the one in college live within 20 minutes of me though non live with me. I am VERY involved with my grandchildren, I see them at least 4 times a week and we have a a grandchildren's room in our home because the kids are over so much.

On the other hand, my DH's children are 9 and 12. We are about the same age, I had my kids in my late teens and 20s  and he had his in his 30s. His children live with their mother. Now their mother is getting a promotion at work but the promotion requires that she move out of state, about 6 hours away. DH first asked if they could work out something to where the kids could move in with us to stay in state, she refused so he took her to court. The judge took her side and said she could move with the kids.

DH will get them one weekend a month visitation plus every other major school break (so either Thanksgiving break and Spring break or Christmas break, just depending on the year) plus he will get 5-6 weeks in the summer. Right now, he gets every other weekend (from Friday after school till Monday before school), every Wednesday from after school till Thursday when he drops them off at school and a lot of times, his ex asks us to keep them on Thursday night as well on the weeks we have them on the weekends. Plus we have them half of all school breaks and about half of the summer.

So DH is going from having them about 40% of the time to about 20% of the time so I understand that this is a  major change. Saying that, when he suggested we move to the town his ex is moving too, in my head, I knew right away, there was no way I would do that. Sell or rent out our home, change jobs, leave my kids, my grand kids, my parents and my siblings, all of whom live in the area to move to an area we know no one? I am a nurse and DH is a police officer so it wouldn't be hard to get new jobs but what happens if his ex gets moved again?

I told him all of that and I also pointed out that just because my kids are grown doesn't mean they mean any less to me then his kids mean to him. But he said that because his are still children, we should move to be closer to them as opposed to stay an be close to my kids. 

Some of you are posting (I have gotten to page 11) that I have already made up my mind and you know what, I have. I thought I would read through and see someone with a reason for leaving that really makes sense. IMO there has not been a reason given, nor can I come up with one, for leaving. It doesn't makes sense. My kids and grand kids depend on me, my aging parents depend on me, I have a great job that I won't be able to just get right away anywhere else (I am the assistant nurse manager on my floor, most hospitals require that you work at least 5 years in that hospital before they will even consider making you nurse manager.

Some people suggested doing a long distance marriage. Between actually seeing his kids and working enough to maintain a household and pay his child support, he isn't going to have a lot of time to come and see me and between working and helping my parents and my children, I am not going to have time to go see him. This is something I will really have to think about but I am not sure I am willing to do a long distance marriage. I would be one thing if it was just going to be a year or two but his youngest is only 9, it would be another 9 years.

DH just woke up, I am going to go talk to him

Second update

I am trying to find a way to try to make our marriage work. I told him that I was willing to CONSIDER moving after 6 months. For starters, I feel like he may find that between the visits and skype and phone calls, they may do ok. Yes, he has them more now but there are times they are here and he isn't even home, he went to work or something. With visitation being less frequent, it would be possible for him to make sure he isn't working  or at least working less (I don't know if he could he could get the whole 5-6 weeks off in the summer) when they are with us and therefore spend more quality time with them. Also, as some of you pointed out, it could be that either his ex or the kids hate it there and end up moving back. I really don't think he is going to be missing out as much as he thinks he will be.

Anyway, I made sure to make it clear that after 6 months I still am not 100% sure I would be willing to move but I certainly would be more open to the idea. The other thing I thought of is if the kids hate it there, we could try to get custody and if they want to live with us, the child might consider it. We already tried to get custody for him when she wanted to move but the judge said no, if the kids aren't doing well in the new environment, that could change things.

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
owl0210
by Emerald Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:52 AM
8 moms liked this
Your kids are adults and you have a flexible job so just move and find the time to see your adult children.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:52 AM

BUMP!

12345abcde54321
by Platinum Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:53 AM
1 mom liked this

what a sad and stressful situation. i'm not sure i could leave my job, home and grandkids. can he get an apartment near them and y'all (or he alone sometimes too) can travel to it regularly to visit his kids? i don't know of another solution, and even that one sounds kind of hard to manage.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:53 AM
3 moms liked this

What happens if his ex gets another promotion and has to move again? Do we just follow her around for the next 9 years (until the youngest is 18?)



Quoting owl0210:

Your kids are adults and you have a flexible job so just move and find the time to see your adult children.



LaughingTattoo
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:54 AM
15 moms liked this

I would move.....your children are of legal age to visit you when ever they please, his are not. You got to raise your kids, dont take away that same thing from him.

Your calculation of 20% is off....it works out to much less

Im just going to point out....get ready for a divorce if you are not ready to do such a tiny thing like a 6 hour move for him. This isnt a whim its his children. A good parent isnt going to choose his wife over children

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:55 AM
4 moms liked this
He sounds like an amazing father and you sound like an overbearing mother. His children are still young and he doesn't want to miss out on seeing them grow up.
LaughingTattoo
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:55 AM

 The judge allowed it this time....he will not allow her to start a parade. FoC Courts value stability over anything. If she sees fit to try to move again....I guarentee you the judge will say no and give her 2 options 1) Dont move or 2) Give custody to the father (your husband)


Quoting Anonymous:

What happens if his ex gets another promotion and has to move again? Do we just follow her around for the next 9 years (until the youngest is 18?)

 

 

Quoting owl0210:

Your kids are adults and you have a flexible job so just move and find the time to see your adult children.

 

 


 

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Roxygurl
by Emerald Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:56 AM
5 moms liked this
I would move. You have to make sacrifices sometimes and in this case I side with your husband. His children are still young and can't travel when they want to see him, yours can.

Honestly I think it's very telling that you use I statements rather than we. When saying your kids don't live at home you said they don't live with you not us.
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owl0210
by Emerald Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:57 AM
The courts probably wouldn't grant it.

Quoting Anonymous:

What happens if his ex gets another promotion and has to move again? Do we just follow her around for the next 9 years (until the youngest is 18?)




Quoting owl0210:

Your kids are adults and you have a flexible job so just move and find the time to see your adult children.




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:58 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm surprised the court is allowing her to move... He should bring her back to court.... How much more money will she be making?

My cousin wanted to move, but she can't because the childrens father said no!
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