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DH wants to move out of state to be close to his kids update second update

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

 

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Question: What would you want to do?

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Here is the situation. Me and DH both have children from our first marriages, we don't have any together. My children are all grown they are: 20 and in college, 22 graduated from college and married, expecting her first child, 25 graduated from college and married with 2 children and 28, graduated from college, married and him and his wife are trying for their first (fingers crossed). All of my children, including the one in college live within 20 minutes of me though non live with me. I am VERY involved with my grandchildren, I see them at least 4 times a week and we have a a grandchildren's room in our home because the kids are over so much.

On the other hand, my DH's children are 9 and 12. We are about the same age, I had my kids in my late teens and 20s  and he had his in his 30s. His children live with their mother. Now their mother is getting a promotion at work but the promotion requires that she move out of state, about 6 hours away. DH first asked if they could work out something to where the kids could move in with us to stay in state, she refused so he took her to court. The judge took her side and said she could move with the kids.

DH will get them one weekend a month visitation plus every other major school break (so either Thanksgiving break and Spring break or Christmas break, just depending on the year) plus he will get 5-6 weeks in the summer. Right now, he gets every other weekend (from Friday after school till Monday before school), every Wednesday from after school till Thursday when he drops them off at school and a lot of times, his ex asks us to keep them on Thursday night as well on the weeks we have them on the weekends. Plus we have them half of all school breaks and about half of the summer.

So DH is going from having them about 40% of the time to about 20% of the time so I understand that this is a  major change. Saying that, when he suggested we move to the town his ex is moving too, in my head, I knew right away, there was no way I would do that. Sell or rent out our home, change jobs, leave my kids, my grand kids, my parents and my siblings, all of whom live in the area to move to an area we know no one? I am a nurse and DH is a police officer so it wouldn't be hard to get new jobs but what happens if his ex gets moved again?

I told him all of that and I also pointed out that just because my kids are grown doesn't mean they mean any less to me then his kids mean to him. But he said that because his are still children, we should move to be closer to them as opposed to stay an be close to my kids. 

Some of you are posting (I have gotten to page 11) that I have already made up my mind and you know what, I have. I thought I would read through and see someone with a reason for leaving that really makes sense. IMO there has not been a reason given, nor can I come up with one, for leaving. It doesn't makes sense. My kids and grand kids depend on me, my aging parents depend on me, I have a great job that I won't be able to just get right away anywhere else (I am the assistant nurse manager on my floor, most hospitals require that you work at least 5 years in that hospital before they will even consider making you nurse manager.

Some people suggested doing a long distance marriage. Between actually seeing his kids and working enough to maintain a household and pay his child support, he isn't going to have a lot of time to come and see me and between working and helping my parents and my children, I am not going to have time to go see him. This is something I will really have to think about but I am not sure I am willing to do a long distance marriage. I would be one thing if it was just going to be a year or two but his youngest is only 9, it would be another 9 years.

DH just woke up, I am going to go talk to him

Second update

I am trying to find a way to try to make our marriage work. I told him that I was willing to CONSIDER moving after 6 months. For starters, I feel like he may find that between the visits and skype and phone calls, they may do ok. Yes, he has them more now but there are times they are here and he isn't even home, he went to work or something. With visitation being less frequent, it would be possible for him to make sure he isn't working  or at least working less (I don't know if he could he could get the whole 5-6 weeks off in the summer) when they are with us and therefore spend more quality time with them. Also, as some of you pointed out, it could be that either his ex or the kids hate it there and end up moving back. I really don't think he is going to be missing out as much as he thinks he will be.

Anyway, I made sure to make it clear that after 6 months I still am not 100% sure I would be willing to move but I certainly would be more open to the idea. The other thing I thought of is if the kids hate it there, we could try to get custody and if they want to live with us, the child might consider it. We already tried to get custody for him when she wanted to move but the judge said no, if the kids aren't doing well in the new environment, that could change things.

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 23, 2013 at 7:48 AM
Replies (521-529):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 64 on May. 23, 2013 at 10:15 AM
How did your dh respond to the last update? Maybe make your home the fun home and all that so they want to come with yous?


Quoting Anonymous:

Here is the situation. Me and DH both have children from our first marriages, we don't have any together. My children are all grown they are: 20 and in college, 22 graduated from college and married, expecting her first child, 25 graduated from college and married with 2 children and 28, graduated from college, married and him and his wife are trying for their first (fingers crossed). All of my children, including the one in college live within 20 minutes of me though non live with me. I am VERY involved with my grandchildren, I see them at least 4 times a week and we have a a grandchildren's room in our home because the kids are over so much.

On the other hand, my DH's children are 9 and 12. We are about the same age, I had my kids in my late teens and 20s  and he had his in his 30s. His children live with their mother. Now their mother is getting a promotion at work but the promotion requires that she move out of state, about 6 hours away. DH first asked if they could work out something to where the kids could move in with us to stay in state, she refused so he took her to court. The judge took her side and said she could move with the kids.

DH will get them one weekend a month visitation plus every other major school break (so either Thanksgiving break and Spring break or Christmas break, just depending on the year) plus he will get 5-6 weeks in the summer. Right now, he gets every other weekend (from Friday after school till Monday before school), every Wednesday from after school till Thursday when he drops them off at school and a lot of times, his ex asks us to keep them on Thursday night as well on the weeks we have them on the weekends. Plus we have them half of all school breaks and about half of the summer.

So DH is going from having them about 40% of the time to about 20% of the time so I understand that this is a  major change. Saying that, when he suggested we move to the town his ex is moving too, in my head, I knew right away, there was no way I would do that. Sell or rent out our home, change jobs, leave my kids, my grand kids, my parents and my siblings, all of whom live in the area to move to an area we know no one? I am a nurse and DH is a police officer so it wouldn't be hard to get new jobs but what happens if his ex gets moved again?

I told him all of that and I also pointed out that just because my kids are grown doesn't mean they mean any less to me then his kids mean to him. But he said that because his are still children, we should move to be closer to them as opposed to stay an be close to my kids. 

Some of you are posting (I have gotten to page 11) that I have already made up my mind and you know what, I have. I thought I would read through and see someone with a reason for leaving that really makes sense. IMO there has not been a reason given, nor can I come up with one, for leaving. It doesn't makes sense. My kids and grand kids depend on me, my aging parents depend on me, I have a great job that I won't be able to just get right away anywhere else (I am the assistant nurse manager on my floor, most hospitals require that you work at least 5 years in that hospital before they will even consider making you nurse manager.

Some people suggested doing a long distance marriage. Between actually seeing his kids and working enough to maintain a household and pay his child support, he isn't going to have a lot of time to come and see me and between working and helping my parents and my children, I am not going to have time to go see him. This is something I will really have to think about but I am not sure I am willing to do a long distance marriage. I would be one thing if it was just going to be a year or two but his youngest is only 9, it would be another 9 years.

DH just woke up, I am going to go talk to him

Second update

I am trying to find a way to try to make our marriage work. I told him that I was willing to CONSIDER moving after 6 months. For starters, I feel like he may find that between the visits and skype and phone calls, they may do ok. Yes, he has them more now but there are times they are here and he isn't even home, he went to work or something. With visitation being less frequent, it would be possible for him to make sure he isn't working  or at least working less (I don't know if he could he could get the whole 5-6 weeks off in the summer) when they are with us and therefore spend more quality time with them. Also, as some of you pointed out, it could be that either his ex or the kids hate it there and end up moving back. I really don't think he is going to be missing out as much as he thinks he will be.

Anyway, I made sure to make it clear that after 6 months I still am not 100% sure I would be willing to move but I certainly would be more open to the idea. The other thing I thought of is if the kids hate it there, we could try to get custody and if they want to live with us, the child might consider it. We already tried to get custody for him when she wanted to move but the judge said no, if the kids aren't doing well in the new environment, that could change things.


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on May. 23, 2013 at 10:17 AM

No, they seem to like it there. But, since things are working out well, I have already told DH that I can't see a justification in moving.



Quoting BrainFarts:

Here's to hoping they hate moving and living with their mother so you can get your way....

*sarcasm*



luckysevenwow
by Platinum Member on May. 23, 2013 at 10:21 AM

That is one sticky situation. Part of me says to move, his kids are young and these years are the most impressionable years. I can really see his side.

As the mother of older children also (big age gaps in my kids) I see your side, just cause my kids are older with their own lives doesn't mean that they aren't important to me.

I think your last update is fair. Give it some time, see how it works, then come together again and make a new plan. Good luck, it's not a choice I would want to be making.

SweetMamii
by on May. 23, 2013 at 10:21 AM
To be honest its not fair for your husband to have his young kids far away and have to change how often he sees his kids because of you... As you can see he wants to be very involved with them and you aren't letting him.
Its not fair that he gets to do what you want because you have to be close to your family.
how would you feel if it was the other way around?
You are just being selfish!
Your kids are old and live without your help. You have done what you can for your kids, they are old and grown and have their own family.
Its your turn to help your DH and back him up with being with his kids, they are young and still need him more often in their life.
SweetPea2004
by Platinum Member on May. 23, 2013 at 10:24 AM

This was already posted awhile back

Anonymous
by Anonymous 65 on May. 23, 2013 at 10:25 AM

honestly i am with you.  moving could turn into a nightmare.  becoming a landlord SUCKS and being 6 hours away would mean you would have to pay someone to do all the things a landlord does.  you could also have crappy tenants (like i do lol) and end up having to foreclose on the house if you cant sell it.  seriously for this reason alone i would not move unless my house was sold.  and obviously your financial situation would change, and maybe not in a good way.  you are old enough that retirment is important and you should be saving as much as you can towards that. 

your children do not mean less just because they are grown....and 6 hours is NOT that long of a drive.  i drive 7 hours to see my dad once a week and i make it work.  your dh could get a hotel room near their house once a month and have the kids over to go swimming and have fun!  that along with picking them up and bringing them to your place once a month would mean he would see them all the time.

it sucks that his ex moved them, but its not that long of a trip.  i think you should stay and he should put in the foot work to go see his kids!

Quoting Anonymous:

No, they seem to like it there. But, since things are working out well, I have already told DH that I can't see a justification in moving.



Quoting BrainFarts:

Here's to hoping they hate moving and living with their mother so you can get your way....

*sarcasm*




mommyof11050307
by Platinum Member on May. 23, 2013 at 10:35 AM
I wouldn't move that's just me. If I had a job that good I would move in this economy. I've spent the first 5 years of marriage following my husband. Our next move will be after I get my degree to be closer to my family.
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Sekirei
by LoKitty on May. 23, 2013 at 10:44 AM

Apparently, the children are not factoring in for you.

They went from seeing their daddy a lot, to losing a lot of time with him.

Siding with the father, simply because when my dad's late wife pulled this (not wanting him to be near us) and he gave in, it showed my sister and I exactly who was more important. I barely speak to him now. He isn't worth my time


boys2men2soon
by Gold Member on May. 23, 2013 at 10:51 AM

I agree with you.  I would wait 6 mos to a year before seriously considering a move.  It is too soon to make a life altering decision.   Wait and see how the kids (and ex wife) adjust to the move.   Let them settle in and see how it goes.    The bio Mom may not like the job, or may not like having family and friends close by.... it is hard to lose one's support system.    You may end up having his kids more than expected.    Even if you move, the bioMom may stick to the current, revised visitation, making your move useless.   

Another thought...  is there a possibility of his kids attending a year round school?      Where they attend school for 9 weeks, then are off for 3 weeks?    That would be an ideal solution for longer more frequent visitation, providing their Mom would agree.

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