Yesterday, I spent my day off of work running around, getting overdue errands finished before the weekend.
The ONE errand I overlooked was my 5 item grocery list. I noticed this as I arrived home after 6pm & decided that those 5 items could wait until tomorrow. "Mom's Body Wash" having been at the top of the list, since my teenager managed to STEAL mine out of my bathroom & use the rest of it. :/
I suppose I could be grateful that after using it, she had the respect to write it on the list hanging on the fridge, no?
Having been a SAHM for the past 4 years & unexpectedly falling into a FT job 3 weeks ago, my night time showers seem to be the ONLY relaxing part of my day that I look forward to now.
So, I slip into the hot shower, fully prepared to be disturbed by 3 children at LEAST 15 times, but still managing to absorb my mind with thoughts of peace & pure bliss.....
I shampoo my hair, condition it, & even take a few extra minutes to let the pulse action shower head beat down on my neck & shoulders.... The abrasive massage was glorious in ways unmentionable....
Of course, as expected, I begin to hear loud noises coming from upstairs. The silence NEVER lasts long in my house with 1 teen, an 8yo boy who loves to wrestle, & a 4yo toddler who explores her teen sister's bedroom at any chance given & almost ALWAYS manages to paint SOMETHING with nail polish or make up. :/
So, I grab DH's body wash & without thought, use what would be approximately a HANDFUL size on a washcloth.... As always, I start in my general regions & work my way towards my girly parts.....
The menthol smell awoke my sinuses with a quickness & the refreshing "ice cold" sensation felt oh-so wonderful on my back & chest.....
HOWEVER, the VERY SECOND that this body soap (likely created by the devil himself) touched my nether regions, I practically fell over in indescribably horrible, unrelenting PAIN! Some twisted ass mother fucker in a science lab one day thought to themselves: "I have a brilliant idea! People have a hard time waking up in the morning before work. I shall invent an evil-lava-like soap that will SHOCK these sleepy people into awakeness!".
And then, he put that shit on the market & let out an evil laugh!! O.o
For real. I shit you NOT, my jibblets, doo-dads, & goodies felt like they had been smothered in fucking ICY HOT!!!!! I let out a "yelp", as DH slowly rolls himself off of the couch & finds his way into the bathroom.....
Through the clear shower curtain, he witnesses his wife making fast (frantic) panting noises, as I rips the shower head from the wall & spray DIRECTLY onto my no-no places, praying desperately that the burning stops!!!!
He says: "Dang! Sorry for interrupting. Try to be more quiet, the kids are still awake." -_-
Really, dude? :/
Still reeling from pain, my lips won't allow me to speak, so I allow the dumbass to leave me alone in the bathroom, where CLEARLY I am NOT enjoying the feeling of my vagina being chemically removed from my body.....
It took approximately 8 hours for my nether regions to stop pulsating & tingling from the unexpected chemical peal I had put them through. -_-
To make matters worse, a few hours after my shower (jibblets still burning) I climb into bed with DH, who suggestively raises his eyebrows & requests that in the future, we should shower TOGETHER! O.o
So much for my relaxing afternoon showers alone, eh? :/
Moral of the story: I don't care if you are completely OUT of body wash & you smell like a garbage truck smothered in body oder & used ass, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT EVER USE "AXE SHOCK".
Though, there are a few GOOD uses I can think of for this devil-syrup! I'm convinced that this stuff is capable of removing paint from walls, hair from animals, stains from fabric, & in VERY DESPERATE MOMENTS, this shit will remove warts & quite possibly could burn off ANY STD that you may be suffering from.
Hell, they could probably make a shit load of money using this stuff to fuel a rocket ship to the moon! O.o
^ all of these uses are acceptable.
Just, for the love of your sensitive little muffin shop, DO NOT use this shit to wash your body!!!! O.o