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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I hate my stepson

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
Yep, you read that right. I hate my 10yo stepson. My SO has full custody of him and has since November 2011. The bio mom had kept him away for seven years so when SS came to live with us it had been a long time since father and son had seen each other. SS didn't even know that SO was his bio dad. The mom fucked this kid up for real. She did not teach him anything, at all. He didn't know how to tie his shoes, he didn't know he was supposed to wash his hair when he took a shower, he doesn't know how to clean his room or make a bed.He didn't know how to ride a bike and still doesn't know how to swim. He talks to himself ALL the time, and is just a really weird kid. He is afraid of everything from our kitten to ladybugs. If he is hungry or wants to call his grandma instead of coming and saying something to us he hangs out in the dark kitchen or dining room and waits for one of us to walk in there. It's fucking creepy. He doesn't care about me, his dad or his little sister. He treats us like the bad guys and like his mom is the end all be all. When the truth is his mom is a piece of shit and lost custody of him and his brother(who has a different father) because she is a terrible mother. We had to involve CPS and it was ruled in court that she abandoned my SS. I'm so over this whole thing and wish his mother would get her shit together so he can go back and live with her. But that is probably not going to happen considering she just had a third child by a third man and can't even pay the $50 a MONTH she is ordered to pay in child support. $50 a month and we haven't seen a penny. I don't treat him any different. I take care of him, cook for him, do his laundry, help him with his homework, hug him goodnight but deep inside I dislike him so so much. Bash away, tell me what a terrible person I am, I don't care. There are days that I feel guilty about it but I can't help how I feel. It would be different if he was making as much of an effort to be a part of our family as I am to include him but he's not.
Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:14 PM
Replies (41-50):
LiliM
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:45 PM
You're welcome. I doubt you hate him. You sound incredibly frustrated.

And in spite of common thought most SMs do not want to or enjoy hating their skids. We want to love them and build a family with their dad.

Seriously go to therapy for YOU. Your feelings are not abnormal. And you may need to help your kids through this as well. It will be tough dealing with the other kids who see only one kid getting the larger amount of focus in the family.

I am so sorry. You want to slap the fuck outta his mom for this. Particularly as DH and you get to clean up the parenting mess she's made.


Quoting Anonymous:

Thank you. This made me tear up. I don't want to feel this way about this kid, I truly don't.

Quoting LiliM:

I understand why you are upset. He sounds like a difficult kid to put it mildly. This may take years. Please know he didn't learn to hate you all overnight. And now that his mom is gone it's even harder.



I tell you this as a SM who had been hurt by the behavior of a skid - it's generally not about you. Our even your DH or your family. Mom has fucked this kid. I hope he can be saved from that but there is no guarantee.



You need to find that fine line between caring for him and making him feel like family and disengage so that you don't have so much investment in a kid who is not yours and who at this point has no intention of treating you as family.



Some therapy for you would help. Being a SM is hard and is nearly impossible in cases Like these. Because there are few ways where the SM gets a positive outcome in regards to get place in the family.



But you didn't fuck up this kid. You don't have to own his challenges. You help and support dad and take care of you and your kids. Sure, you're not sacrificing your life for a skid. ... But I don't think that is always the answer. Take a background role on this and let Dh be the lead.



Good luck. This is so tough.


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Anonymous
by Anonymous 13 on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:45 PM

 I had the same issue spending one on one quality time with him is the best way to go once a week go do something alone with him you can't build a bond with a child you barely talk to. My step daughter and I are closer then ever but it took a few years for us to get to that point.

Quoting Anonymous:

I hope someday we reach that point. This give me hope (not on becoming friends with the mom part though, lol)

Quoting laranadtony:

I used to not like my stepdaughter. This was a long time ago.  When I finally started spending time with her, I found a wonderful friend. Actually, I found two friends.  She and her mom to whom I am thankful for raising such a wonderful woman! 

I love this chick as much as my own kids.  

 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:45 PM

He sees a therapist twice a week. He is my stepson. His father and I have been together for a long time. We are a family regardless of a piece of paper. He has love and stability. It was not his father's choice to not be a part of his life for seven years. The mother left and was unfindable until she contacted SO's mother and said, " Tell your son to come get this kid, I can't take care of him anymore."

Quoting Anonymous:

You are terrible, he needs help.  He is not your step son by the way.  If you are not married, and since you call his father "SO" I doubt you are married.  You are daddy's girlfriend.  This boy needs love, therapy and stability.  Not bounced from a neglectful mother to a father who didn't care the first 10 years of his life to get him in a good home and he knows his fathers girlfriend hates him.  You are no better than his mother do don't try to fool yourself.


Mackenzie40
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:46 PM
He's a child , of course you need to make the bigger effort.

You can't help what you feel but maybe you could figure out what's really at the bottom of it ( fear , resentment, ..] the 10 year old isn't to be blamed for any of it ..
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laranadtony
by Ruby Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:47 PM


Quoting Anonymous:

I hope someday we reach that point. This give me hope (not on becoming friends with the mom part though, lol)

Quoting laranadtony:

I used to not like my stepdaughter. This was a long time ago.  When I finally started spending time with her, I found a wonderful friend. Actually, I found two friends.  She and her mom to whom I am thankful for raising such a wonderful woman! 

I love this chick as much as my own kids.  


I got lucky and mom grew up at the same time I did and she will do as much for my kids as I will for her's.

You don't have to be friends with mom.

Just spend some time with him. Just you and him. Find out his expectations. Ask him about his goals and dreams. Cater to his interests but do not overcater.

I am a vindictive bitch.  I managed to do this.  I doubt you are vindictive.  

I hope there comes a day when you wait for him on pins and needles to come home from college to you and share what he has experienced there!

Don't sweat the petty things;Don't pet the sweaty things!

loisl25
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:48 PM
1 mom liked this
When I married my xh he had a 4 y.o. D's. His mom and her WHOLE side of s.s.'s family were completely messed up. In and out of jail and prison, substance abuse issues, bi-polar disorder, just totally f.u.b.a.r.. S.s., of course, as one would expect, had issues. He would fly into scary rages, was so much of a disruption in class, (once he got old enough for school) that the teachers didn't even worry about him actually learning anything, was defiant and would test and test and test his limits CONSTANTLY! He was a nightmare! But I understood why. He was physically and psychologically abused at his mom's house, (which was also where his two uncles and grandma lived, and they were ALL terrible people who should not be around kids, even the grandma, plus s.s.'s mom would have the boyfriend of the week living there too, and some of them were pretty scary).

For several years, there was a pattern of us not seeing him for weeks or months, then without warning s.S's mom would declare that she can't handle him and she'd dump him on us for months, then not like the reduction in child support or food stamps, or get mad that we claimed him on our tax return and she'd miss her meal ticket and come get him, again without warning. Eventually we borrowed $ from my parents to hire a lawyer and fought for custody, and got it. I home schooled him for two years to catch him up to his grade level, ( he was 12 and illiterate), and poured all the patience and love I could into caring for him, while also caring for my other two that xh and I had together. Finally, after years of difficulty, he evolved into a really great kid! :-)

S.s. was difficult for me to deal with too. Part of me really wanted to just let his mom keep him. She's the one who messed him up, after all, but I like to hope I made a difference in his life, and in all the lives that HE will touch, too. He was worth the trouble, and so is your s.s.
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Aleta775
by on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:51 PM
1 mom liked this
It will take a long time to repair the damage his mother has done. It might take years for him to be a normal, functioning kid. Please try to be more patient with him. None of this is his fault. As he gets older, if he still refuses to meet you half way, then you would have a tad more validation for disliking him. But right now, he is only 10 and it sounds like he is very immature for his again. Again, thanks to his mother. I hope that you can work this out. Do you and your dh ever go to counseling with him? Have you thought about going to therapy as a family?

Quoting Anonymous:

He sees a therapist twice a week. Once at school and once at a private therapist. We are doing everything we can for him at this point. I don't know what else to do.

Quoting Hannahluvsdogs:

It sounds like he needs therapy badly. I feel sorry for him, he's had a hard life growing up with a mom like that. Please get him some help.


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Anonymous
by Anonymous 14 on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:51 PM
1 mom liked this

BTW you do treat him different- You cannot hate someone and treat them as a loved one- He knows about your empty hugs, the loveless eyes, and resentful undertone of that silver toungue. You are telling us how much you dont care about him- also telling us how HE feels. See any irony? He is the CHILD but you are the one ACTING like it.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:51 PM

Thanks you! It's nice to know I'm not the only one that has gone through all this nonsense.

Quoting loisl25:

When I married my xh he had a 4 y.o. D's. His mom and her WHOLE side of s.s.'s family were completely messed up. In and out of jail and prison, substance abuse issues, bi-polar disorder, just totally f.u.b.a.r.. S.s., of course, as one would expect, had issues. He would fly into scary rages, was so much of a disruption in class, (once he got old enough for school) that the teachers didn't even worry about him actually learning anything, was defiant and would test and test and test his limits CONSTANTLY! He was a nightmare! But I understood why. He was physically and psychologically abused at his mom's house, (which was also where his two uncles and grandma lived, and they were ALL terrible people who should not be around kids, even the grandma, plus s.s.'s mom would have the boyfriend of the week living there too, and some of them were pretty scary).

For several years, there was a pattern of us not seeing him for weeks or months, then without warning s.S's mom would declare that she can't handle him and she'd dump him on us for months, then not like the reduction in child support or food stamps, or get mad that we claimed him on our tax return and she'd miss her meal ticket and come get him, again without warning. Eventually we borrowed $ from my parents to hire a lawyer and fought for custody, and got it. I home schooled him for two years to catch him up to his grade level, ( he was 12 and illiterate), and poured all the patience and love I could into caring for him, while also caring for my other two that xh and I had together. Finally, after years of difficulty, he evolved into a really great kid! :-)

S.s. was difficult for me to deal with too. Part of me really wanted to just let his mom keep him. She's the one who messed him up, after all, but I like to hope I made a difference in his life, and in all the lives that HE will touch, too. He was worth the trouble, and so is your s.s.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 15 on Mar. 25, 2013 at 12:53 PM
2 moms liked this

I'm not going to bash you. I grew up in a very similar situation only I was a bit younger when my mom lost custody of me. Even if he doesn't know that you hate him by your actions, he probably thinks that you do because who wouldn't. In his mind, who wouldn't hate taking on this messed up kid that came in to jack up your perfect family. So therefore he isn't going to work toward getting involved in a family that secretly hates him so then in turn he acts out and then in turn you really do start to hate him. It is somewhat of a self fulfilling prophecy and it just escalates and escalates and trust me if it goes on it can get very bad when he gets older.

They have therapist who specialize in blended families. I would suggest seeking family counseling and alos individual couseling (from the same therapist) for yourself as well as him. And if the first one you see doesn't fit, keep trying. Finding a good therapist that fits your family can take a few tries and is just as important as finding any other doctor that you are comfortable with.

You have an opportunity to help this child and expand your family in a great way that can be wonderful but it takes work and you have to be willing to take on the work. You can help make sure the scars from his past don't become permanent. Good luck.

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