My DH and I have not had sex in a year. He's emotionally, financially, and verbally abusive even though he'd never admit it and just tells me I'm crazy and lucky to have a husband like him.
I've been trying to recover from PPD and anxiety. We have 2 toddlers. I gained 50lbs with them and have been having a hard time losing it due to my MS and thyroid issues. I feel disgusting. He makes me feel disgusting. His 2 main questions to me is 1) did you take your meds today? And 2) did you work out today?...if either if a no, it's a huge fight, sometimes ending in his threats for divorce. I'm a SAHM. He works long shifts. The thought of splitting and dividing time with our kids terrifies us both enough to stick it out. We're pretty toxic to eachother right now, disagree on everything I think out of spite. We're both Aries if anyone knows what I mean about that...
Anyways..I know he's never cheated (you might not believe me but I know where he is at all times, 100%..by means) I don't know if he would even if I did give him a "hall pass".
But that's how much the thought of sex with him makes me cringe. It's not an unattraction. He's attractive. It's that I feel like I'd be just used as a hole while he reels porn through his head because I'm too disgusting to look at. He's acknowledged how much I've changed and how he doesn't like it. He's told me he hates me numerous times but then turns around and calls me beautiful and that he loves me. So why would I turn around and willingly have sex with him? It's gotten to me thinking anything he says nice is just him trying to get off, by any means, even enduring sex with his fat housewife. I just can't bring myself to not cry thinking about doing it. It's not like Id get into it, I'd just lay there anyways because I feel so unsexy. Why would he even WANT to have sex with that????
So should I give him permission to go elsewhere?
PS- I just realized this sounds bad enough to possibly look like a troll. I assure you it's my life :/