16 years ago, i cheated on my dh, we split up, we were split for 5 years, we got back together, he said he forgave me and we both agreed to put our past behind on and move foward with our relationship.
Last night, we were out and I saw the guy I had an affair with, I pointed him out to dh, my thought was that if I didn't tell dh that I saw him there it would be like I was hiding something from him.
He was very upset, he said when I told him, that I was excited (?), that the past was being thrown in his face. We talked and talked last night. I told him that when we got back together we both agreed to put the past behind us and move forward. He had forgiven me or so I thought. I told him if this still bothered him so much that maybe he had never really forgiven me. I asked him how long should I have to pay for that mistake. When we split up my life was terrible ( I was not with the guy I cheated with, there was never a relationship there). I thought I deserved the bad things happening in my life becasue of the cheating. I hated myself for hurting my dh, I hated myself for breaking up our marriage. I was so depressed for many years. I felt I deserve all the things that were bad in my life. I was a terrible person, I didn't deserve to happiness. I really believe this for a long time. I was a mess.
Finally I begin to forgive myself, I had to in order to continue living. When dh and I first talked about getting back together and him forgiving me, was when I could really forgive myself. If he could forgive me then I thought I could now forgive myself too.
Last night when he felt so hurt, and seemed like he really hadn't forgiven me, I felt all that old pain, and self hatred that I had for myself during those years we were split up. I didn't deserve his forgiveness.
Finally he held me and told me he was sorry, that he really would put it behind us, and that he loved me very much.
Well I'm glad he feels better, but now I feel like sh*t! All that took me mentally/ emotionally, back to those years of punishing myself. I still feel so sad, I feel so guilty all over again, I hate myself for bringing that into our relationship.
Can we ever really get past it? Can he really forgive me? Can I forgive myself?
Where do we go from here? He is fine and talked it out and now is his normal self. I am left sad, upset, guilty, depressed----all over again.