I can't say it to her so I'll say it on here. loooooooooooooooong rant
Dear cube mate,
It's me, Charli! Or as you like to call me: "That kinda black chick who's married to that white cop who wrote me a ticket for speeding". Hey! How are you? I know you're wondering why I'm writing you. Well... I have a few issues with you and I hope you fall down a flight of stairs while wearing a pair of six inch heels. Why? Because I hate you. I cannot stand you. When you were in the hospital last week, I just about threw myself a party! Want to know why? Because you are an AWFUL person. You've stolen my things, you're loud and you refuse to accept and correct your body odor!
Oh? You're saying you aren't a thief? I beg to fucking differ! A month ago, DH brought in this amazing set on pens he had custom made for me to try and brighten my day. You know. The ones that show a different joke every time you click it. Yeah. Those. Well a week later, they completely disappeared. Not one of them! Noooooooo! All ten. I was soooo upset by this that you decided to not only help me look, but report it to management who then fired the entire custodial staff(granted a few of them were stealing and caught on camera doing so). Two weeks after that, your daughter came in for a visit. You know! The one you always complain about? We'll get on that next! Anyway. She came in and you were out. I told her to leave you a not and she breaks out a pen. Not just any pen. My pen. The ones with the inside jokes hubby had made for me. I asked her where she got it from and she said that you brought an entire container home. She also said that you told her you got it as a gift for your good work. When I asked you about it, you played dumb and started crying because you were sooo hurt by my accusations.
Now on to your daughter. The one you're so disappointed in because she got pregnant by that "south of the boarder guy who only speaks Mexican around me". First of all, it's Spanish. Secondly, I wouldn't want to speak English around you either. Remember that day you came in with the family photos from your daughter, her daughter and her husband. I know you do because you laughed for ten minutes straight about how that "south of the boarder guy who only speaks Mexican around me" looked like a "loco cholo" who had "homies" that would probably "bust a cap" in your ass if you told him how ridiculous they looked. I thought they looked pretty amazing in the light pastel colors and grassy background. Remember when I corrected you on the way you were talking about him? No? Well your rebuttal was "whoa there, girlfriend! Didn't mean to upset you! Sheesh! You people are touchy." I corrected you on that and you just laughed as you walked to get a coffee.
Speaking of coffee, stop leaving your empty coffee cups on the floor you pig! We're adults! So clean like one! And speaking of cleaning! You have to be the nastiest human being I have ever encountered in my life and I have seven older brothers. You don't cover your
mother mouth when you sneeze or cough. When you blow your nose, you haphazardly toss the tissue into your overflowing trashcan. It never fits and always falls to the ground. When I politely ask you to clean it up, you say "that's the helps job. Not mine!". The help? Really?
Now on to your body odor. Why should a fourty something year old woman come to work smelling like sex and Chanel No. 5? Do you and your husband have sex in the car? Do you try to mask the funk with twenty squirts of the perfume? Last week, your scent was so strong, it made me throw up. It had nothing to do with the pregnancy! It had everything to do with your body smelling like day old, unwashed vagina and women over fifty who are trying to get their "groove back". So many people have complained about it that they sent you an email about your perfume. You just laughed and said "delete". Seriously? How old are you?!
Stop walking around our cubicle without your shoes on you animal! What the hell is with that? You take off your overly priced shoes and walk barefoot in circles while you make light chat on the phone with Suzanne. Did you know that feet sweat and carry an odor? You couldn't have because if you did, you would know your feet smell of corn chips. When I ask you to put shoes on, you tell me "my feet are killing me! Or as your friends would say! My dogs are barkin', girlfriend!" And what friends are you talking about? None of my friends say that. But I'm sure you don't know that since you still have an Aunt Jemima pencil case that has gotten you how many complaints in the last month?
Stop bragging! I don't want to hear about your husbands new BMW or your new iPad, iPhone and Range Rover three times a day, everyday! I don't want to hear about how you don't need to work here because your husbans is so rich. I don't want to hear about how you only work here because "stay at home moms are lazy worthless pieces of fat". I also don't want to hear about how you went on a trip to Italy just to shop because 1. I don't believe that and 2. I don't care.
Last but not least, you have secret racism. At first, I just thought you were uneducated on other races. But no! This is blatant racism. You told Jo that his people were better at math than driving so invent a car that drives using math. You told Leon that his "whore-jab" offended you and "your people" because of 911. You told Carolynn that you hoped she had a green card. Of course you laughed and stated "I'm clearly not racist or anything" before and during your comments so I guess that just voids it all out.
That kinda black chick who's married to that white cop who wrote me a ticket for speeding