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Don't know what to do anymore.

Posted by Anonymous
  • 3 Replies

Let me preface this by saying that this is probably going to be very long as I'm kinda just rambling. I also know this is probably the wrong place to say this but I just need to get some things off my chest, and talking to a wall won't help. I need to know another human heard me even if they don't care. This is my confession, and if you get through the whole thing, thank you.

I think I am really depressed. I don't like to make self diagnoses though. I also lack the ability to talk to someone in person about it, I clam up and can't talk at all or I sing a song and do a dance that lets me off with a clean bill of health. I feel like who ever knows about my issues are judging me, so I can't look at a mental health professional without that feeling, and then I can't trust them because I feel like they are judging me.

I've been crying a lot lately. I've today been crying for the past 2 almost 3 hours. So hard that my face is rubbing raw and my shirt is soaked. Little things set me off into crying fits. My (online) friends will try and joke with me and I don't see it as a joke so I will respond really aggressive, starting a fight because that “joke” hurt and made me cry. I'm pretty sure because of this my friends are just barely tolerating me right now. One did reach out in a private message recently and ask if I was OK. I was tremendously grateful for that.

I've been going through some personal issues for about a year yet that I haven't really dealt with because of my issues with mental health professionals. Everyone thinks I've been handling these issues really well. That I'm a strong independent woman. But inside I'm hurting really bad, and my facade is crumbling slowly. I'm a single mother to a toddler and I think I'm taking it out on him. I struck him out of anger today in a guise of a spank. Though it was harder than a spank should be, and he did absolutely nothing to deserve a spank anyway. He was just being a regular defiant toddler. I just go so mad I lashed out. Half the time I don't think I even deserve to have my child, I was wondering if I should report myself to CPS today. He would be better off with another family who has the time and money for him. Of course these thoughts send me into a tailspin and I start sobbing uncontrollably because i don't really want to give him up but I think how crappy I'm making his life.  I work full time, but still require government aid to make it each month. Because I work full time, and such odd hours I only see my child for a few hours each day because we get home so late and he is asleep. He is being raised by daycare and I'm sure he likes it better there. I thought for a few minutes today about not even picking him up. Just leaving him at daycare and disappearing. Sadly the only reason people would realize I was gone is because I didn't pick him up.

Speaking of disappearing I've contemplated suicide before. I can normally find reasons to not do it. Last time I was really depressed I took a pregnancy test the night I was going to kill myself, and well I was pregnant. Right now my reason for not doing it is really piss poor. I have a student loan of significant amount, my mother cosigned for me because we thought I was going to graduate and get this awesome job and pay it back no problem. Instead I failed out after a year and will never be able to pay it back. My mom can't either, and I can't put that bill on her. So I have to keep living my shitty life because I have a cosigner on my student loan.

I've cut before as well. Right now the urge to cut is pretty strong, I actually took a knife from work tonight so I could. I prefer a serrated edge to a smooth edge, and I didn't own one. I'm hoping by writing this I won't actually cut. As of right now it feels like I probably will. Normally I hit myself in the head instead, it doesn't leave marks and it calms me down a lot faster. I think I also hope it might set off a stroke or something, then I would be released from my pain but it wouldn't technically be suicide.

My hours at work are so terrible I never get time to go out and do things for myself to blow off some steam which contributes a lot to my mental state. I try and request a day off once a month but I just heard through the grapevine today that my coworkers are real sick of picking up that extra day so my manger might not grant them to me anymore. Right now I literally live for these days. I count down the days until that sole day off when I am baby free and work free and can go do something fun. Normally my days go like this. I wake up when my kid gets up, completely exhausted because I don't get enough sleep working the hours I do. I'll go downstairs make him something to eat and either try and get some work done, or I sit on my couch and completely veg for the couple hours before I have to go to work. My kid will come try and play with me and all I do is yell at him and be a terrible parent which makes him cry and then I cry and I don't even know what to do. Obviously the easy answer is to play with him but then I would never get anything done. My house is a complete shit hole as it is which also makes me feel terrible. All I want to do is sleep because I'm not sad in my sleep. Every waking moment I'm either trying to take a nap or counting down to when I can go home and pass out. When I get home I put my child to bed and then crawl into bed myself. I'm letting my personal appearance go. I've been averaging a shower like every 3 or 4 days. I actually forget sometimes when the last time I showered was. I don't smell, I don't think I do, I don't do anything to make myself smell. I've been sick to the stomach for the past couple of weeks. I'm losing weight because I don't want to make myself anything to eat. Its too much effort. I either make my kid waffles or chicken nuggets because I throw them in the toaster or the microwave. I was actually feeling OK yesterday and cooked dinner (I was off) but when ever I do eat, my kid doesn't eat what I cook. Not that he actually eats the waffles or chicken nuggets either. I sometimes wonder if he sees ME not eating, that he doesn’t want to eat either. But kids won't starve themselves right? And they don’t tell me at daycare that hes not eating.

But what good would talking to someone even do? They'll just give me some type of chemical treatment right? Its not like I can actually fix anything in my life. I'm trying to, but the pieces of the puzzle to help my life just aren't fitting into place right now. I really am trying though, but the people I need to talk with to take a step with my life just aren't calling me back. I call them numerous times a week too, they never pick up and never call me back so whats a gal to do.

I'm really tired now and just want to go lay down and pass out. I'm hoping that writing this all out will make me feel better. In reality I'll probably regret it because I'm sure I probably said something a friend will recognize me. I don't want them to know just how bad off I am. They'll just tell me to go talk to someone, but I just don't know how. Its really hard to explain things to people if they don't experience it themselves.

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 3, 2013 at 12:54 AM
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by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 1:17 AM

Please go see a counselor. I started experiencing PPD after DD was born and saw a counselor after I realized I was putting myself, my family and my baby in danger.  I actually saw a traditional counselor and a holistic counselor, I had more success with the second one. My first appointment I did nothing but cry for an hour, very little talking. But, it was a starting point.

Counselors are not judging you, at least not in a negative fashion. They help you identify where the source of depression lies - as long as you are completely honest with them. They can help you find ways to make the puzzle pieces fit back together, with or without the help of those around you. They'll help you learn ways to cope with issues. They may prescribe some meds - just be careful with those, mine were habit forming and I had to wean myself off of them, so if they aren't working or something seems off, change meds. Try meditation, or yoga, or learn a new craft (I learned crochet from YouTube). Just like infants, we need ways to self soothe and become strong and independent. 

I still struggle with feeling down about some things, but the change now is that I realize what it is that I want to change and I understand now that I'm the only one who can make the changes I need to in order to be happier in my life. 

Good luck OP - and don't discount a counselor, if a traditional sit on the couch counselor doesn't float your boat, try a locating a holistic counselor in your area. You can ask your primary care physician or pediatrician/family doctor to recommend one.  I know what it feels like - the sense of always feeling like you are watching life go by instead of participating. You will have to step out of your quiet comfort zone, but that first step is the hardest, I promise. *hugs*

by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 1:39 AM
Oh, honey, I'm sorry you are struggling so much :-/

I feel like I could have written a lot of this myself. I've struggled in a similar fashion before, and sometimes I still do.

Just because you talk to someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to take a chemical prescription- psychologist and psychiatrist. Sometimes, just talking to someone can be the greatest help, but you have to let yourself open up. I understand because I was the same way with counselors and the sort. I would hardly say anything and eventually quit going. Sometimes I found talking to a willing, non judgmental, 3rd party stranger helped the a stranger online.

What is your diet like? You can try some natural remedies and see if they benefit you at all. You may think it won't work, and they might not, but I think you should give it a shot. It can't hurt.

I noticed you said "friends online". Do you have any friends you see in person? I know that I don't have a single friend 'in real life' that I can unwind with, and it makes me feel depressed frequently. I'm just going off of personal experience here, but maybe you're the same.

You clearly love your son. Whether people want to admit or not, everyone loses their temper/control at one time or another. Please quit telling yourself he's better off without you, and get the CPS thoughts out of your head. I get the feeling you want help, and your son loves you...he's where he needs to be, with mommy. You recognize your struggles, and that's the first step sometimes.

Do you have family/friends around you to help you with anything? If you ever feel like talking to a total stranger, you can pm me. I'd be more than happy to listen, as I said I've been in dark places before myself.
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by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 3, 2013 at 10:10 AM
I don't have a PCP, because I don't have insurance. I barely make enough at my full time job for rent & daycare. I do know of a therapist that is $100 out of pocket. I might be able to swing that once a month but the stress of saving for something I'm anxious about anyway might do more harm than good. No I have no friends in real life because the hours I work don't let me. No one wants to hang out in the morning. I do have a group of people I hang out with on occasion and they would be probably good friends if I could socialize more often. I don't think I could pour my soul to them though, I wouldn't want to risk scaring them off for those days when I finally get to go blow off steam like one day every other month. My diet is pretty horrible. I eat about once a day. I just don't want to cook, so I don't eat. If I do I might pick up some fast food or something that has no clean up. My kid's diet is suffering too because I just nuke something for him. At least he gets dinner at daycare. I'm quite unsure how talking to a therapist would help since it won't change the issues in my life. I know for a fact that one of the issues CAN'T change, so that I do have to work out. The other issues I'm trying to change but again I've been trying to change the things I can, but the things needed to happen to make the change just aren't happening. I live near my child's paternal grandparents and they take him for 8 hours every other weekend while I work. His grandma helps me out a lot and is always buying things for us. I not dare ask her to take him for a night so I can go do something though. His dad does take him every other weekend, but really only while I'm working. He doesn't have a car and refuses to get a car so he is dependent on rides or the train and tries to leave directly after I get off work to go home early. He sees him for about 24 hours, and not a whole weekend (friday evening to sunday evening) like we agreed upon. There isn't much that I can do to change that. I know part of it is that I'm sleep exhausted. I've always been my most depressed when I don't get enough sleep. But since my kid is on a different schedule than I, it doesn't work. He also keeps getting up earlier and earlier since the sun is coming up earlier. I'm going to try black out curtains in his room. In the winter he was getting up around 930 and that worked out well. Today he got up at 730 so I got about 5 hours of sleep.
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