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It keeps me up at night.

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A lot of fucking anger, and a lot of hurt and some regret.

All of them on deep levels that I really need to deal with in time but right now I have so much HATE in my heart that I can't let go of. It eats at me and I really don't know how to let go. 90% of it is directed at one person. He's ruined me in so many ways.

So here I am. Another sleepless freaking night. I have everything that SHOULD make me happy. But I'm so fucking angry.
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by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 3:12 AM
Replies (181-190):
by Platinum Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 2:02 PM
Have you thought about going to therapy or something like that where you can talk about it to someone who can help you?
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by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 2:03 PM

I don't really have a take on it.  I don't ever say anything to her, but I have read a few of her posts.  It sounds as if she is cheating on her husband with more than one guy and with one girl.  There is a short outline of her life a few pages back.  I don't hate her or like her.  She's just another person on a website. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Can I get your take on the situation? I asked her for her side but it seems like there is more than what she posted. Care to fill me in so I can form a opinion with all of the information and maybe not make an ass of myself? I've been on MC for almost a year but haven't followed her stuff. I feel bad because she seems to be genuinely hurting and I want to offer support. But it seems like most of the ladies on here hate her.

by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 2:06 PM

We are still together and we still have our own issues but they are a far cry from what our problems used to be. We have admittedly hit a rough patch lately and I think we both want to work things out. He hasn't tried to harm me or cheat on me, but we have allowed ourselves to sweep everything under the rug and pretend it never happened. A lot of our past shit has been starting to leak out and we both agreed that we need to grow some balls and address these things. I am guilty of trying to push him away, but he told me yesterday that he plans to spend the rest of his life making sure I don't regret my choice to stay with him. From all this I have learned that a man that really loves you will move mountains to try and keep you.

Quoting Anonymous:

Are you still with DH? Did you fix your marriage? Does he treat you better now?

Quoting TugBoatMama:

My dh believe it or not used to treat me like dog shit too. He's done a lot of things to me I've never dared to mention here, but that was several years ago and he is not that person anymore. I have stories that would make Jenna have to scoot the fuck over, but I read this book with someone else in mind, and he perfectly fit the description of a person I was stuck on for way too long. You may have even been what the author calls the exception to the rule. I was the execption to  the rule with my dh, but not with my ex.

He always tried to keep me strung along and fed me a lot of the same bullshit the author deals with in the book. He only did that to keep me around until something better came along. I even carried my irrational feelings for this person over into my marriage, even though he was already long gone. It was unfair to my dh and unfair to me. I'm not positive it will work for everyone, but it helped me let go of this man no matter how badly I wanted him to stay and prove me wrong. He knew I loved him and he used that as a tool to play with me. If he were to come back today, I would see through ever line of bullshit he always tried to feed me before. If I hadn't read that book I would probably forgive him again and let him stomp all over my heart-again.

Quoting Anonymous:

Lol slightly off topic about 405, butttt

Go back 8 years ago. I was with dh who at the time was my number 1 fling. (I was just as raunchy as 504) anyways he started treating me like complete dogshit. I deserved it (as so does she) but I loved dh and one day I picked that book up. I read it and it made me think dh didn't care for me. After reading that book I knew i was just a piece of ass. . . . Years later, we're still together and we couldn't be anymore in love.

That book is complete BS.

Anyways carry on, end of story

Quoting TugBoatMama:

I also forgot to add: If you haven't read it already you need to, even if he is already removed from your life.

"He's Just Not That Into You". This book helped me process a lot things I never wanted to admit to myself about a person I was once with. A person I was sure I was going to marry one day, and he gave me every reason to believe he would marry me. But he didn't. I allowed this person to get away with murder on my heart because I loved him so.  And I tell you what this book really opened my eyes to why things happened the way they did with this dude.

by Anonymous 37 on Apr. 3, 2013 at 2:20 PM

I had an ex that I thought was "the one". I swore he was going to be the father of my children. Really, he was an alcoholic and if I said the wrong thing he would beat the hell out of me. He treated me horribly. I will spare the details of this relationship. People who told me that he was bad for me, I told them not to speak to me again. People who saw the bruises, I lied about how I got them. People who told me I had changed, I said that I was "in love." I broke up with him when he cheated on me. The people I told not to speak to me were there to comfort me. It was awful how much of myself I had lost. A year later I met DH and got married.

Then one day three years after I got married, my ex walked into my work and saw me. He started talking to me and it was as if the past 3 years had never happened. He told me he had been alcohol free for two years and had a steady job. He apologized for all the things he had put me through and swore he had really grown up. DH and I had hit a rough patch and although I did not sleep with this man, I did have an emotional affair with him. But I was older and wiser. A month into it, he started trying to control me like he had all those years ago. It set off the alarms and I realized I was on a dangerous path. Once again, I broke all contact with him again and deleted my profile on FB and again, changed my phone number.

I told DH everything. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do and the pain in his eyes is something I will always remember. We got into counseling and got through it. We are still married and have a son. I have not spoken to this man in five years. I have had him blocked on FB and have made my name practically unsearchable. I no longer talk to the people we associated with together. If I ever see him again I will not acknowledge him. He is just another closed chapter in my past and I am determined to keep him there.

I wrote him a letter of closure. I tore it up after I wrote it, but it was therapeutic to get all that anger out and sort through it. Sorry I wrote a novel but I hope this helps. It sounds like you need to get this person out of your life completely to have any peace. 

by Anonymous 38 on Apr. 3, 2013 at 2:22 PM
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Jenna I don't know you and barely reply to your posts but.. girl you need a good bitch slap from a good friend so I will bitch slap you from them.... SLAP..

I just had a talk with my step daughter last night about picking a not so good men when you have a good man that you are with or are wanting to be with. you see my step daughter has been talking to a sweet boy in her home state, but here in the state we have to be at because of my dh's job she decided to ( cheat) on this sweet boy with a piece of crap boy who is sleeping with several other girls ( piece of crap boy is her ex boyfriend) I ripped her ass last night and told her to wake her ass up.I told her she don't want to be where I have been. I to have decided to not go for the sweet guy for a guy who is a bad boy and you know what I got beat, cheated on, raped, called every name one can think of and on top of that had my selfesteem distroyed. I wish you well Jenna and fuck men think about those little boys you have.
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 2:51 PM

if thats what you use cafemom for, more power to you. if you atcually get your prejudice out of your mind for one moment and acutally read my post, it does lend some helping and positive advice. now go take your rabies elsewhere. thanks

Quoting ButterMeUp:

What's wrong with using CM as a diary? It's a place to vent right? I'll be honest, besides Dh I have no one in my life to vent my problems to uncensored or get sturdy advice from. I'm a loaner and have always had trouble making friends. CM gives memthe slight attention sometimes crave while being a helpful tool and place for memto vent, post things that matter to me and get advice. I see nothing wrong with what 504 does. She seems nice, never one to initiate conflict, and sweet. She just has more drama I'm her life than the average. If you and others cant he helpful in her venting process, then please don't open her post. That's like asking to be punched and pressing charges when you get knocked out. You're not 3 anymore, use you wisdom when opening posts.

Quoting RoseBlossom:

it seems to me that according to a lot of posts that you put on here 504, you have something missing in your life. you seem to need to feel loved or at the least some sort of attention. you use cafemom as your own personal diary. if there feels like there is a hole in you that you need to fill, dont fill it with hate. forgiveness is key, then move on. if you dont forgive it will eat you up inside. fill that hateful part with love and compassion for your kids and yourself. 

I knew I loved you before I met you, you were already perfectly formed in my heart.
by on Apr. 3, 2013 at 2:55 PM

Angry about what? 

by Anonymous 39 on Apr. 3, 2013 at 3:24 PM
2 moms liked this

Look, you created this, so you need to fix it.  It is not healthy for anyone to be in love with three different people at the same time.  Someone always gets burned, and you happened to be the one.  You need to be real with yourself.  You need to let go of the past and focus on the future.  Part of letting go of the past is being real with yourself and everyone.  It will not be healthy for you to carry around all of the anger, guilt, or regret for the rest of your life.  If you did mess around on your husband and got pregnant, then you need to come clean to everyone involved.  Admit you fucked up, apologize, and move on.  If you are honest with everyone, including yourself, then they will be honest with you.  

If you really want your marriage to work, then you would cut off all contact with the trash around you.  If that includes your friends that you have known since childhood, so be it.  You should also stay with your husband for more than a few months at a time.  That is not a healthy relationship for anyone and your husband, and your husband and children.  I am not a fan of where we live, but my husband's job is here so we deal with it.  I could not fathom taking the children away for months at a time because we don't like it here.  We are a team, and we make it work together.  

I really think that you need to figure out what you want in life.  I also suggest you get into some major therapy.  Good Luck!

by Sapphire Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 4:43 PM
1 mom liked this
Ya know, that's something I never really considered. Maybe there's something to that.

Quoting LyTe684:

I'm going to go ahead and say you were ruined way before him. Maybe that's why you can't get past it. You're placing the blame in the wrong place.

Either way, being angry with him is only hurting you.

You need to dig further back. I think your issues stated way before he came into the picture. Maybe he's just the first to take advantage of it the way he did.

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by Ruby Member on Apr. 3, 2013 at 4:49 PM
Jenna, can I ask if you have an open marriage, that's why you say you didn't "cheat ", but you talk about these relationships as if they were serious bf/gf relationship. I'm not being a bitch, I'm genuinely curious
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