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I don't know what to do anymore....It's long I'm sorry

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 21 Replies

I honestly don't even know where to start, I'm just gonna start and hope it makes sense. Dh has been distant lately and I don't understand why. I mean he's always on his phone, or computer. When he gets home he goes straight upstairs, and I follow him a few minutes later and ask if he's gonna be up there all day. He says no he just wants to chill, ok fine whatever. I go up there later to check and he's got the door locked. We've been together long enough for me to know, that when he does that he's masterbating. I don't care that he's doing it, but damn...I get no attention. Because lately when he's been doing this, he's up there for 3 or 4 hours, and by the time he's done, it's almost time for him to go to bed I'm left with not time spent with him again. It frustrates me.

 A few days ago, I found out he was on a webcam chatting room site type thing. It's not a porn thing, it's like facebook but with webcam chat. It seemed harmless, he wasn't friends with anyone on it, he doesn't have a pic up or anything. But I still talked to him about it because were getting over the fact that he asked his ex for naked pics a few months ago, so I'm still a little paranoid. He claimed he joined the site because he was bored and that he only talks to guys. HELLO?????? are you deaf, have you not be listening to me when I talk to you? I've been saying how I feel like I have to beg you to talk to me. So you can talk to other people around the world but not your wife? Yeah sure that makes me feel better...NOT. Well the way the website works is everyone , whether or not they are your friend, shows up in the chat box in the corner so you can litereally talk to whoever. 

Anyways, I looked for his profile on there, and it just so happens to tell when the last time the person logged on and if they are online. Well he's been signing on everyday, and it's always when he's in the room, "doing is thing". That strikes a huge red flag for me. Something just isn't right with this picture. I'm just hurt, I have litereally cried everyday since last weekend, bc he keeps doing this shit. I feel so neglected. His work, porn and this damn website full of strangers gets his attention more then me. And then by the end of the night he wants to snuggle and have sex..but we can't talk because he's ready to go to bed. The only time I feel like I've got his attention is having sex. It makes me feel horrible. I've tried talking to him about it, and he assures me he loves me and only me blah blah blah. Makes me feel better and makes me feel like maybe I did overeact, but then he does this. The fact that he's up in the room for hours at a time doing whatever, disgusts me and in no way makes me want to have sex with him. When he does it this way anyways. Now if I'm in the bed and I say no or something he will go to the bathroom and be only like 30 to 45 minutes and he's done. I don't get it. 

After the thing with his ex, I wanted to work past it, because I love him.  But I'm starting to question everything he's ever said to me, I feel like I'm being played a fool. I'm just so confused. He says he wants me ,but his actions speak louder. This whole thing is making me feel like crap about myself, like wondering what am I doing wrong? What can I fix? But I have no clue, because he wont talk to me. And when he does, it's short answers, and his eyes are everywhere but on me. It just hurts, all of this!! I'm just sick of it, I love him, but I don't wanna be paranoid all the time like this. I have no trust with him anymore. The whole time he's at work, I'm wondering if he's texting an ex or whoever, and just deleting shit before he gets home. I don't check his phone, so I wouldn't know but still...these kinda thoughts eat at me all day. Then when he gets home I feel a little better bc I can see him with my eyes and see that he's not doing anything. So then when he goes up in the room, I get paranoid again. He says he understands why I'm still upset, but that I'm still making it out to be bigger then it is. Why? Because you don't take the time to understand what I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling it? Ugh,....I don't know. I'm gonna stop right there because this has gotten way to long. Sorry ladies, any advice would be helpful :(

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:07 AM
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Replies (1-10):
4kids4tara
by Silver Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:09 AM

Is he a sex addict? He sounds very selfish. It is time for counseling. Good luck, I couldn't put up with that behavior!

TheSidewinder
by Bronze Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:13 AM
Bump for you
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BrownEyedGirl86
by Silver Member on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:14 AM
I'm so so sorry no one should go through this by someone they have started a life.
With that being said I think it's time that you take a break from him and get your wad on straight (no offense) and maybe go to some counseling - if you have family - take your chil and stay there for a while or tell him he's gotta find some place to go until you figure out what's going on.

I wouldn't speak to him (unless it's about your child for a week) make it a clean break
It's not fair to you that he screwed up and is it being an open book so he can gain your trust back.

I think you have been more then understanding and willing to work for your marriage and he is not doing anything.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:16 AM

i'm sorry that your hurting. Reading through this up until the sex part it sounds like a roomate /mother son relationship because he has been sneaking around and pretending like you dont exist while you check up on him and rightfully so thats something children do with their parents.  He seems to have a life without you in it and thats not fair to you.  Your also right to believe that he is only using you for sex . Your upset because you know something is wrong and he doesnt seem to care based on how he is treating you. He's making you feel insecure by his actions,even though you havent caught him doing anything he's doing something and is only a matter of time until you find out.  Again Im sorry your going through this and I hope it gets better for you soon.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:16 AM

I honestly have no clue, I'm starting to wonder though. I don't know what other kind of name to put on this.

Quoting 4kids4tara:

Is he a sex addict? He sounds very selfish. It is time for counseling. Good luck, I couldn't put up with that behavior!


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:19 AM
1 mom liked this

He sounds selfish. I would stop following him upstairs and asking if he is gonna be in there all night. Just ignore him. And I certainly wouldn't give him sex when he can't fulfill any of my needs. When he comes in, I would tell him he has the kids tonight, that you are going out for a while. Even if it is to a coffee shop or WalMart for a bit. He is walking all over you. You need to let him know you aren't going to be treated like that. When he sees you have a life other than him, maybe it will make him think he needs to talk to you and figure out how y'all can have a life together.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:20 AM

I would looooove to take a break from him. But we are military and live 5 thousands miles away from family. And the only people I know have their own families and I don't want to impose on them. I think I have been understanding too. He should be more then willing to keep everything open to me so I can trust him again, but he's not and it's just so frustrating. I'm just to the point of giving up I really am. I don't want my marriage to be like this, and I can't be the only one to try and fix it, it's killing me. Here I am up and can't sleep on the couch and he's sleeping like a freaking baby upstairs not caring that I'm up hurting and wanting answers. I havn't spoke to him since he went upstairs today, you would think he would ask me what's wrong but nope, nothing. He's just be as quiet. I just don't know...

Quoting BrownEyedGirl86:

I'm so so sorry no one should go through this by someone they have started a life.
With that being said I think it's time that you take a break from him and get your wad on straight (no offense) and maybe go to some counseling - if you have family - take your chil and stay there for a while or tell him he's gotta find some place to go until you figure out what's going on.

I wouldn't speak to him (unless it's about your child for a week) make it a clean break
It's not fair to you that he screwed up and is it being an open book so he can gain your trust back.

I think you have been more then understanding and willing to work for your marriage and he is not doing anything.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:22 AM
Please start shouting & banging on that door every few minutes when he decides again to lock you out and ignore you. Or better yet, while hes at work, take the door off it's hinges and remove it from the house - that will really fuck him up! On a more serious note, why are you letting yourself be treated like this? He's shutting you out (physically & emotionally), being disrespectful to your feelings and only pays attention to you when having sex. Do you have kids living there? If so, he's treating them in the same fashion. Please don't allow him to treat your family this way. Good luck.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:24 AM

Thank you. I really wish he could see it this way. He doesn't understand how insecure this is making me. I look in the mirror and just want to cry because I wonder if maybe I didn't look the way I did it wouldn't happen, and so on, just finding some reason about me that is causing him to be like this. It's like he's not happy with just me. I had errands to do when he got home from work today and he usually goes with me (we share a car) just to get out of the house, but nope. He was playing his game when I left, I forgot something came back and his game was paused and I knew what he was doing so I went upstairs because that's where I left the thing I needed and I walked in on him masterbating. He was so emabarrassed. I just laughed, it's not embarassaing to me, I was actually relived at the fact that he didn't lock the door, even though he knew I was gone. But still he stayed at home to do that, and was up there til almost 9pm..

Quoting Anonymous:

i'm sorry that your hurting. Reading through this up until the sex part it sounds like a roomate /mother son relationship because he has been sneaking around and pretending like you dont exist while you check up on him and rightfully so thats something children do with their parents.  He seems to have a life without you in it and thats not fair to you.  Your also right to believe that he is only using you for sex . Your upset because you know something is wrong and he doesnt seem to care based on how he is treating you. He's making you feel insecure by his actions,even though you havent caught him doing anything he's doing something and is only a matter of time until you find out.  Again Im sorry your going through this and I hope it gets better for you soon.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:25 AM

I'm going to have to do this. Oh he's more then willing to have sex with me, but I don't want it only because I don't know what he's doing, and it just totally ruins it for me, if that makes sense. 

Quoting Anonymous:

He sounds selfish. I would stop following him upstairs and asking if he is gonna be in there all night. Just ignore him. And I certainly wouldn't give him sex when he can't fulfill any of my needs. When he comes in, I would tell him he has the kids tonight, that you are going out for a while. Even if it is to a coffee shop or WalMart for a bit. He is walking all over you. You need to let him know you aren't going to be treated like that. When he sees you have a life other than him, maybe it will make him think he needs to talk to you and figure out how y'all can have a life together.


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