I don't know what to do anymore....It's long I'm sorry
I honestly don't even know where to start, I'm just gonna start and hope it makes sense. Dh has been distant lately and I don't understand why. I mean he's always on his phone, or computer. When he gets home he goes straight upstairs, and I follow him a few minutes later and ask if he's gonna be up there all day. He says no he just wants to chill, ok fine whatever. I go up there later to check and he's got the door locked. We've been together long enough for me to know, that when he does that he's masterbating. I don't care that he's doing it, but damn...I get no attention. Because lately when he's been doing this, he's up there for 3 or 4 hours, and by the time he's done, it's almost time for him to go to bed I'm left with not time spent with him again. It frustrates me.
A few days ago, I found out he was on a webcam chatting room site type thing. It's not a porn thing, it's like facebook but with webcam chat. It seemed harmless, he wasn't friends with anyone on it, he doesn't have a pic up or anything. But I still talked to him about it because were getting over the fact that he asked his ex for naked pics a few months ago, so I'm still a little paranoid. He claimed he joined the site because he was bored and that he only talks to guys. HELLO?????? are you deaf, have you not be listening to me when I talk to you? I've been saying how I feel like I have to beg you to talk to me. So you can talk to other people around the world but not your wife? Yeah sure that makes me feel better...NOT. Well the way the website works is everyone , whether or not they are your friend, shows up in the chat box in the corner so you can litereally talk to whoever.
Anyways, I looked for his profile on there, and it just so happens to tell when the last time the person logged on and if they are online. Well he's been signing on everyday, and it's always when he's in the room, "doing is thing". That strikes a huge red flag for me. Something just isn't right with this picture. I'm just hurt, I have litereally cried everyday since last weekend, bc he keeps doing this shit. I feel so neglected. His work, porn and this damn website full of strangers gets his attention more then me. And then by the end of the night he wants to snuggle and have sex..but we can't talk because he's ready to go to bed. The only time I feel like I've got his attention is having sex. It makes me feel horrible. I've tried talking to him about it, and he assures me he loves me and only me blah blah blah. Makes me feel better and makes me feel like maybe I did overeact, but then he does this. The fact that he's up in the room for hours at a time doing whatever, disgusts me and in no way makes me want to have sex with him. When he does it this way anyways. Now if I'm in the bed and I say no or something he will go to the bathroom and be only like 30 to 45 minutes and he's done. I don't get it.
After the thing with his ex, I wanted to work past it, because I love him. But I'm starting to question everything he's ever said to me, I feel like I'm being played a fool. I'm just so confused. He says he wants me ,but his actions speak louder. This whole thing is making me feel like crap about myself, like wondering what am I doing wrong? What can I fix? But I have no clue, because he wont talk to me. And when he does, it's short answers, and his eyes are everywhere but on me. It just hurts, all of this!! I'm just sick of it, I love him, but I don't wanna be paranoid all the time like this. I have no trust with him anymore. The whole time he's at work, I'm wondering if he's texting an ex or whoever, and just deleting shit before he gets home. I don't check his phone, so I wouldn't know but still...these kinda thoughts eat at me all day. Then when he gets home I feel a little better bc I can see him with my eyes and see that he's not doing anything. So then when he goes up in the room, I get paranoid again. He says he understands why I'm still upset, but that I'm still making it out to be bigger then it is. Why? Because you don't take the time to understand what I'm feeling, or why I'm feeling it? Ugh,....I don't know. I'm gonna stop right there because this has gotten way to long. Sorry ladies, any advice would be helpful :(