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How do I stop DH from "explaining"our son?

Posted by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:12 AM
  • 19 Replies

I have noticed that every time someone interacts with our son, he has to "explain" that he has Down Syndrome. Sometimes people don't even mention it. They just say how cute he is. It makes me feel weird. I have no idea how to explain to him that I want my child not to have to be "explained" all the time...how can I tell him without hurting his feelings?

by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:12 AM
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Replies (1-10):
romalove
by SakePrincess on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:16 AM

I think it's a defense mechanism, he is saying something before someone asks so it's on his terms and not someone else's.

How old is your son?

Mommy2beQua
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:17 AM
Just tell him how u feel and why....
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Iron_Beauty
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:17 AM

this.

Quoting romalove:

I think it's a defense mechanism, he is saying something before someone asks so it's on his terms and not someone else's.





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SunshineBird
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:18 AM

Have you asked him why he explains first? He might just be trying to "protect" your son by giving the information first before someone starts asking. Maybe you can tell him, he is our son first and anything else can be asked about if someone is interested?

JadeSapphire
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:18 AM



Quoting romalove:

I think it's a defense mechanism, he is saying something before someone asks so it's on his terms and not someone else's.

How old is your son?


9 months

romalove
by SakePrincess on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:20 AM


Quoting JadeSapphire:



Quoting romalove:

I think it's a defense mechanism, he is saying something before someone asks so it's on his terms and not someone else's.

How old is your son?


9 months

Right now it can't really affect your son, because he is too little.  But as he grows, since DS kids are so varied in their intellectual abilities, hearing this as the first thing his dad tells people about him may warp his vision of himself.  

I think I would tell DH that unless people ask, it's best not to bring up your son's DS, because there is so much about your son that is beautiful and adorable that you don't want to place undue emphasis on it.


TxnMomma
by on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:21 AM
1 mom liked this
He may not even realize he is doing it. You could just ask, "do you know that you do this..." Obviously in a "I love you so much you are an awesome husband" kind of way. Or if he is anything like my DH, it has to all be his idea. I like the "I noticed I was doing "this" recently. Have you noticed it? Do you ever catch yourself doing it? Maybe we can keep an eye on each other so "this" doesn't happen as much, if at all."
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JadeSapphire
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:25 AM



Quoting romalove:


Quoting JadeSapphire:



Quoting romalove:

I think it's a defense mechanism, he is saying something before someone asks so it's on his terms and not someone else's.

How old is your son?


9 months

Right now it can't really affect your son, because he is too little.  But as he grows, since DS kids are so varied in their intellectual abilities, hearing this as the first thing his dad tells people about him may warp his vision of himself.  

I think I would tell DH that unless people ask, it's best not to bring up your son's DS, because there is so much about your son that is beautiful and adorable that you don't want to place undue emphasis on it.


Exactly..I don't want him to get older and feel like something is "wrong" with him because daddy has to explain it all the time. 


JadeSapphire
by Bronze Member on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:26 AM



Quoting TxnMomma:

He may not even realize he is doing it. You could just ask, "do you know that you do this..." Obviously in a "I love you so much you are an awesome husband" kind of way. Or if he is anything like my DH, it has to all be his idea. I like the "I noticed I was doing "this" recently. Have you noticed it? Do you ever catch yourself doing it? Maybe we can keep an eye on each other so "this" doesn't happen as much, if at all."


All his idea..Yep..thats my DH too...have you noticed they are also never wrong and don't make mistakes....lol

romalove
by SakePrincess on Apr. 6, 2013 at 6:28 AM


Quoting JadeSapphire:



Quoting romalove:


Quoting JadeSapphire:



Quoting romalove:

I think it's a defense mechanism, he is saying something before someone asks so it's on his terms and not someone else's.

How old is your son?


9 months

Right now it can't really affect your son, because he is too little.  But as he grows, since DS kids are so varied in their intellectual abilities, hearing this as the first thing his dad tells people about him may warp his vision of himself.  

I think I would tell DH that unless people ask, it's best not to bring up your son's DS, because there is so much about your son that is beautiful and adorable that you don't want to place undue emphasis on it.


Exactly..I don't want him to get older and feel like something is "wrong" with him because daddy has to explain it all the time. 


I have an autistic nephew.  My sister in law used to say things in front of him that shouldn't be said in front of a child, mistaking his lack of speech for a lack of understanding of speech.  When he was five, he was lining up M&M's in a ritualistic fashion at a family barbecue, and my sister in law said, out loud, that sometimes she thinks it would have been better if he was never born.

My mother took her aside and said, he is not in pain and he's not hurting anyone and he's a beautiful little boy and you don't know what he understands because he isn't telling you what he is hearing, so you must never say anything negative like that in front of him ever again.

You don't want to have to get to the point with your DH that you're telling him something similar because of his own insecurities about people's experiences of your son.

Just let him know how important it is to emphasize the beautiful attributes of your son and not any deficits.  The world is a hard place at times and that will happen, but it doesn't have to be primary.

Good luck to you.  :-)

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