Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Denied: Accepting My Identity

Posted by   + Show Post
Upon coming out to my family after my son was born, I reached out to various mom groups that were mostly composed of other LGBT families. This worked out great for play dates and such. I have a gay uncle who said," if you don't make it wired to them (children), they won't ever think its weird. " So our son has socialized in the same groups since he was born. For a majority of his life, he has been raised in a lesbian household. I haven't seen a problem with this.

For the last year I have been in a very stable relationship. One that I have proclaimed to be the best one I've ever been in. If seen in public, you'd probably say we are the straightest gay couple you've ever seen. My partner has fit into my lifestyle very well with family and friends. However, since my partner has come out to friends as transgender, I am getting mixed reviews. I no longer am welcome at the lesbian parent groups. This is frustrating. I've tried talking to a few friends in this group. I have explained that just because my partner has changed identities, it doesn't mean that I have. I guess I have been blessed this far to think that the LGBT community as a family. I don't understand the need to segregate myself.

What would you do?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 6:16 PM
Replies (51-60):
csxt99
by Jennifer on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:03 PM

I am saying it is nonsense to exclude you since your partner is transgendered.  I think that is ridiculous!

bustybee
by Buzz Lightyear on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:03 PM

that sounds like the lgbt community has its clicks just like everyother "social circle" type groups there are. I'm sorry that is happening to you. I would love to have a lesbian friend, I could men bash all I want and not worry about affending someones husband (my dh knows I'm not serious so he doesn't care that I man bash). and it wouldn't matter to me if your partner decided to go transgender (or what ever the proper term/wording is)

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:05 PM
1 mom liked this

I think you are really, really confused.

Fullmoon_Goddes
by Bronze Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:09 PM
I dont understand either. I thought lesbians like women and not men. OP...do you mean you're bisexual?


Quoting kngarber:

 May I ask - genuinely - how that works out for you?  If you are a lesbian (correct?) how will you be with a man?  Or am I misunderstanding? 


Quoting laurenryan:

Thank you. That was very nice of you to say.

Unfortunately as much as the community seems to be more accepting, many still are not.



Quoting xLilBit22:

Let me start off if thats the both of u in ur avitar pic very cute couple (: but oh man i am sorry this is going on. I wouldve figured they'd be accepting. Im not sure what u could do in this case bc any female i was with was transgender or wanted to be. But much good luck to u and hope u find understanding friends love. Im here if ur in need of a good vent.


 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
laurenryan
by Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:10 PM
I had to chuckle at this one a little, bc I asked the saaaaaame questions. Jay is very open with answering any questions I have, might family might have, and my friends might have.

It took me a long time to accept it. I wasn't hurt, but I was upset. What did this mean for my son? There was a true aha! Moment that made none of it matter. My son's father isn't really in this picture at his own discretion. One evening, my son walked into the room to talk. He said very matter of factly," so, I've got a question." Being the person that I am I don't hide much from him as far as my lifestyle is concerned. He said," so, every kid gets a mom and a dad right?" I chuckled and smiled then politely said,"well, in theory yes, but life doesn't always work out that way." He pointed and said," well, you're the mom." I laughed and said ,"yes, the role of mom will be played by me." He looked at jay and quickly said," well does that mean jay gets to be my dad?" I quickly looked at jay across the room as this was not a convo that we had discussed. Jay piped in to say,"whatever you are comfortable with buddy." "Well I want you to be my dad," he quickly responded.

That very simple conversation put my worries aside as to what my relationship meant to my son.

As far as the surgeries, jay is not "growing a penis." He does wish to have top surgery as he does not care for his breasts. His nether regions will be left alone. Most bottom surgeries are still experimental and can leave your area without sensation. Now what would be the fun in that?


Quoting Zazayam:

I'm sorry if this makes me sound uneducated, honestly I AM uneducated...

I've always wondered what it was like for people in those situations. I don't personally know anyone that's transgender but I've thought it must be at least as hard on their partner as it is on them. Especailly after they come to terms with it. I mean if I spent years in a loving lesbian relationship and then found out that my partner is really a man that would be pretty dificult. Here comes the uneducated part- If she goes through surgeries and all that, are you considered a straight couple now? How do you come to terms with your loved one growing a penis? I don't know that I could, but at the same time I don't know why you would treat them any differently. It's still the same person, just in a more honest version.

Basically yeah I have no idea what I would do, that's about as complicated a situation as I can imagine. Good luck to you both, and I'm glad the two of you are at least working it out ok. If people don't want you around, they're not the type of people you should want in your life anyway.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Fullmoon_Goddes
by Bronze Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:11 PM
I would agree.


Quoting Anonymous:

But, if your partner is a man, you're not a lesbian.

Quoting laurenryan:

It's just what I identify as. My partner always jokes and says he supports his lesbian wife. He also says he's a straight man in a lesbians body. We are pretty light hearted about it. Some would say I am pansexual, but I have not dated multiples. I chose to date someone who later came out as transgendered. Should I have to change my identity bc the person I'm dating did? No.. My partner doesn't define me.





Quoting xixCandyxix:

I'm sorry, if you are with someone that is living as a man, how are you still a lesbian? My brother was born female and dates females now that he's a man (only had the top surgery) but he is still considered straight. I am honestly confused here.





Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:13 PM

That fact is, same sex couples are NOT natural and will never be 100% accepted. Look at your own "community" can't even accept it.   

laurenryan
by Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:16 PM
1 mom liked this
pan sexual
Some one who doesn't care what gender people are, or what they define themselves as - will sleep with, fall in love with, etc., regardless.



Quoting Anonymous:

 Ok that's one I have never heard of. What is a pansexual?


Quoting RiotPixie:

I hate that you're going through this. I'm a Pansexual mother of 3 (number 4 on the way). I mostly date guys but that is solely because it's more socially acceptable. And I live in Chicago. Here's hoping you find your niche. Congrats to your SO for accepting who he is. Good luck mama!

 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:18 PM

I can 100% see why the LGBT community isn't very accepting of someone that basically wants the best of both worlds. Live as a straight man and not have to deal with LGBT issues but still get to be a "lesbian". I'm annoyed and I'm not even gay.

Quoting laurenryan:

I had to chuckle at this one a little, bc I asked the saaaaaame questions. Jay is very open with answering any questions I have, might family might have, and my friends might have.

It took me a long time to accept it. I wasn't hurt, but I was upset. What did this mean for my son? There was a true aha! Moment that made none of it matter. My son's father isn't really in this picture at his own discretion. One evening, my son walked into the room to talk. He said very matter of factly," so, I've got a question." Being the person that I am I don't hide much from him as far as my lifestyle is concerned. He said," so, every kid gets a mom and a dad right?" I chuckled and smiled then politely said,"well, in theory yes, but life doesn't always work out that way." He pointed and said," well, you're the mom." I laughed and said ,"yes, the role of mom will be played by me." He looked at jay and quickly said," well does that mean jay gets to be my dad?" I quickly looked at jay across the room as this was not a convo that we had discussed. Jay piped in to say,"whatever you are comfortable with buddy." "Well I want you to be my dad," he quickly responded.

That very simple conversation put my worries aside as to what my relationship meant to my son.

As far as the surgeries, jay is not "growing a penis." He does wish to have top surgery as he does not care for his breasts. His nether regions will be left alone. Most bottom surgeries are still experimental and can leave your area without sensation. Now what would be the fun in that?


Quoting Zazayam:

I'm sorry if this makes me sound uneducated, honestly I AM uneducated...

I've always wondered what it was like for people in those situations. I don't personally know anyone that's transgender but I've thought it must be at least as hard on their partner as it is on them. Especailly after they come to terms with it. I mean if I spent years in a loving lesbian relationship and then found out that my partner is really a man that would be pretty dificult. Here comes the uneducated part- If she goes through surgeries and all that, are you considered a straight couple now? How do you come to terms with your loved one growing a penis? I don't know that I could, but at the same time I don't know why you would treat them any differently. It's still the same person, just in a more honest version.

Basically yeah I have no idea what I would do, that's about as complicated a situation as I can imagine. Good luck to you both, and I'm glad the two of you are at least working it out ok. If people don't want you around, they're not the type of people you should want in your life anyway.



randomosityblog
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:18 PM

OP how can your SO ask to be identified as a man when she is keeping her vagina? I don't get it. Maybe this is why the LGBT community hasn't been as accepting. Doesn't make it okay but makes more sense to me now...

Quoting Fullmoon_Goddes:

I would agree.


Quoting Anonymous:

But, if your partner is a man, you're not a lesbian.

Quoting laurenryan:

It's just what I identify as. My partner always jokes and says he supports his lesbian wife. He also says he's a straight man in a lesbians body. We are pretty light hearted about it. Some would say I am pansexual, but I have not dated multiples. I chose to date someone who later came out as transgendered. Should I have to change my identity bc the person I'm dating did? No.. My partner doesn't define me.





Quoting xixCandyxix:

I'm sorry, if you are with someone that is living as a man, how are you still a lesbian? My brother was born female and dates females now that he's a man (only had the top surgery) but he is still considered straight. I am honestly confused here.






Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured