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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Denied: Accepting My Identity

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Upon coming out to my family after my son was born, I reached out to various mom groups that were mostly composed of other LGBT families. This worked out great for play dates and such. I have a gay uncle who said," if you don't make it wired to them (children), they won't ever think its weird. " So our son has socialized in the same groups since he was born. For a majority of his life, he has been raised in a lesbian household. I haven't seen a problem with this.

For the last year I have been in a very stable relationship. One that I have proclaimed to be the best one I've ever been in. If seen in public, you'd probably say we are the straightest gay couple you've ever seen. My partner has fit into my lifestyle very well with family and friends. However, since my partner has come out to friends as transgender, I am getting mixed reviews. I no longer am welcome at the lesbian parent groups. This is frustrating. I've tried talking to a few friends in this group. I have explained that just because my partner has changed identities, it doesn't mean that I have. I guess I have been blessed this far to think that the LGBT community as a family. I don't understand the need to segregate myself.

What would you do?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 6:16 PM
Replies (61-70):
laurenryan
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:19 PM
See we are bffs already


Quoting bustybee:

that sounds like the lgbt community has its clicks just like everyother "social circle" type groups there are. I'm sorry that is happening to you. I would love to have a lesbian friend, I could men bash all I want and not worry about affending someones husband (my dh knows I'm not serious so he doesn't care that I man bash). and it wouldn't matter to me if your partner decided to go transgender (or what ever the proper term/wording is)


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randomosityblog
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:20 PM


Quoting Anonymous:

So i'm confused,  doesn't that mean you won't be a lesbian if you stay with him after his change is done?

She's not doing the change.

melschlegs
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:20 PM
1 mom liked this

That sounds highly hypocritical of them.  I would find another group of friends who are less judgmental, regardless of their sexual orientation.  It would be nice to expose your son to people of all orientations and lifestyles who are accepting, because that is how it should be.  I'm sorry they're putting you through this nonsense.

SouthernMamaof1
by Gold Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:21 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't understand what their problem is.  If you were a single mom that was a lesbian they wouldn't have a problem with it.  You are still a lesbian, so what's their problem?

They seem very judgemental for a group of people they are used to being judged..lol

Anonymous
by Anonymous 10 on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:21 PM



Quoting laurenryan:

True story. We do have our 'party friends'. They only seem to come around for holidays and birthday parties. The LGBT community definitely isn't known for long term relationships.


Quoting randomosityblog:

We have a hard time making friends in the LGBT community because we have kids and lead a very boring life, while all the LGBT folks we know are all worried about partying and fucking each other. :(

Quoting laurenryan:

Thank you. That was very nice of you to say.



Unfortunately as much as the community seems to be more accepting, many still are not.





Quoting xLilBit22:

Let me start off if thats the both of u in ur avitar pic very cute couple (: but oh man i am sorry this is going on. I wouldve figured they'd be accepting. Im not sure what u could do in this case bc any female i was with was transgender or wanted to be. But much good luck to u and hope u find understanding friends love. Im here if ur in need of a good vent.




Find some straight friends.  If either of you works, that is a good place to look for friends. Or common interests like any teams or sports your son plays. in most communities people are pretty accepting.

I have some friends who are gay (male)  I got to know them thru doing Special Olympics of all things. Their kids are both SN and my youngest was their  son's sports buddy.


catrig
by Platinum Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:22 PM
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My spouse is a mtf transgender.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
randomosityblog
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:23 PM


Quoting Anonymous:



Quoting laurenryan:

True story. We do have our 'party friends'. They only seem to come around for holidays and birthday parties. The LGBT community definitely isn't known for long term relationships.


Quoting randomosityblog:

We have a hard time making friends in the LGBT community because we have kids and lead a very boring life, while all the LGBT folks we know are all worried about partying and fucking each other. :(

Quoting laurenryan:

Thank you. That was very nice of you to say.



Unfortunately as much as the community seems to be more accepting, many still are not.





Quoting xLilBit22:

Let me start off if thats the both of u in ur avitar pic very cute couple (: but oh man i am sorry this is going on. I wouldve figured they'd be accepting. Im not sure what u could do in this case bc any female i was with was transgender or wanted to be. But much good luck to u and hope u find understanding friends love. Im here if ur in need of a good vent.




Find some straight friends.  If either of you works, that is a good place to look for friends. Or common interests like any teams or sports your son plays. in most communities people are pretty accepting.

I have some friends who are gay (male)  I got to know them thru doing Special Olympics of all things. Their kids are both SN and my youngest was their  son's sports buddy.


Straight people aren't as accepting of a lesbian couple as the LGBT community is, generally speaking. Even if the woman is "okay" or "friends" with the lesbian or gay couple, the husband usually has something smart ass to say about it all... at least in my experience... it's a weird situation, honestly.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 11 on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:24 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting laurenryan:

My partner is bio- female, but he carries on his life as male. He is still pre-op, but has started the psych process.


Quoting Anonymous:

Transgender as in what is your partner, male or female born?

So he is a man turing into a woman ??? Yeah i can see them not accepting it. i think its not nice but i can see it. 

laurenryan
by on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:26 PM
We move in both circles: both straight and gay. I'm not going to isolate friends due to our lifestyle.


Quoting Anonymous:




Quoting laurenryan:

True story. We do have our 'party friends'. They only seem to come around for holidays and birthday parties. The LGBT community definitely isn't known for long term relationships.





Quoting randomosityblog:

We have a hard time making friends in the LGBT community because we have kids and lead a very boring life, while all the LGBT folks we know are all worried about partying and fucking each other. :(

Quoting laurenryan:

Thank you. That was very nice of you to say.





Unfortunately as much as the community seems to be more accepting, many still are not.








Quoting xLilBit22:

Let me start off if thats the both of u in ur avitar pic very cute couple (: but oh man i am sorry this is going on. I wouldve figured they'd be accepting. Im not sure what u could do in this case bc any female i was with was transgender or wanted to be. But much good luck to u and hope u find understanding friends love. Im here if ur in need of a good vent.






Find some straight friends.  If either of you works, that is a good place to look for friends. Or common interests like any teams or sports your son plays. in most communities people are pretty accepting.

I have some friends who are gay (male)  I got to know them thru doing Special Olympics of all things. Their kids are both SN and my youngest was their  son's sports buddy.




Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Zazayam
by Ruby Member on Apr. 7, 2013 at 9:38 PM

That's so sweet, about your boy being so understanding. It's true though, if you don't raise a kid thinking something's weird it isn't weird to them. It sounds like you have a very close family, and that's such a great thing.

I hope I didn't offend you with the whole growing a penis thing, I wasn't sure of a polite way to put it so just went with it, lol.

Quoting laurenryan:

I had to chuckle at this one a little, bc I asked the saaaaaame questions. Jay is very open with answering any questions I have, might family might have, and my friends might have.

It took me a long time to accept it. I wasn't hurt, but I was upset. What did this mean for my son? There was a true aha! Moment that made none of it matter. My son's father isn't really in this picture at his own discretion. One evening, my son walked into the room to talk. He said very matter of factly," so, I've got a question." Being the person that I am I don't hide much from him as far as my lifestyle is concerned. He said," so, every kid gets a mom and a dad right?" I chuckled and smiled then politely said,"well, in theory yes, but life doesn't always work out that way." He pointed and said," well, you're the mom." I laughed and said ,"yes, the role of mom will be played by me." He looked at jay and quickly said," well does that mean jay gets to be my dad?" I quickly looked at jay across the room as this was not a convo that we had discussed. Jay piped in to say,"whatever you are comfortable with buddy." "Well I want you to be my dad," he quickly responded.

That very simple conversation put my worries aside as to what my relationship meant to my son.

As far as the surgeries, jay is not "growing a penis." He does wish to have top surgery as he does not care for his breasts. His nether regions will be left alone. Most bottom surgeries are still experimental and can leave your area without sensation. Now what would be the fun in that?


Quoting Zazayam:

I'm sorry if this makes me sound uneducated, honestly I AM uneducated...

I've always wondered what it was like for people in those situations. I don't personally know anyone that's transgender but I've thought it must be at least as hard on their partner as it is on them. Especailly after they come to terms with it. I mean if I spent years in a loving lesbian relationship and then found out that my partner is really a man that would be pretty dificult. Here comes the uneducated part- If she goes through surgeries and all that, are you considered a straight couple now? How do you come to terms with your loved one growing a penis? I don't know that I could, but at the same time I don't know why you would treat them any differently. It's still the same person, just in a more honest version.

Basically yeah I have no idea what I would do, that's about as complicated a situation as I can imagine. Good luck to you both, and I'm glad the two of you are at least working it out ok. If people don't want you around, they're not the type of people you should want in your life anyway.



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