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"Oh, are you So and So's wife?" Not sure if I like it or if it makes me sad.

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:41 PM
  • 36 Replies

I was out walking the dogs tonight and came upon a guy with 2 little girls a few homes down from my house.  Kids acted all excited about the dogs so I stopped and told them that they could pet the puppies if it was okay with Dad.

They did.  So I stood there and talked to the guy for a few minutes.  

Long story short, it turns out that the guy had met my husband a few months ago while trick or treating with his little girls and then had my DH over for a poker night. (before I had moved here)

But...when this connection was made initially (by him, I had no clue who he was), the guy said, "Hey are you X's wife?"  

Yep.

I'm not sure if that makes me happy to hear or sad to know that I've been essentially relegated to the status of X's wife rather than ME.  I know this guy was just trying to make a connection and I'm not offended but it made me think.

I've not even been married 2 years yet and I'm in my mid 30's so I'm still kind of getting used to being "the wife".  I spent most of my adult life thus far starting a few companies and working my butt off in my career where my name actually meant something.  I was "someone".  A mover and shaker.  When we got married, I didn't change my name because I wanted to keep my professional name and we weren't planning on having kids so...i kept it.  I have taken a lot of pride in my career and in being pretty independent.

In the last 6 mos, DH got a new job, moved to another state, I had to quit my job to move and have taken up a crappo job that I pretty much hate on a daily basis--sucks the life out of me being treated like a peon.  But it's short term and I can do anything for a year.

I didn't realize that so much of my personal pride and identity had been based on my career.  But I think it was.  My husband is out of the country having grand work adventures--something I used to do as a single woman--and I'm back home taking care of business, trying to sell the house, and being referred to as "so and so's wife."

On the one hand, I feel proud to be DH's wife. On the other, I miss being valued as my own person.  Most of our social activities now are with people he works with so I really am just his wife to them.  I feel like I "used" to be a person and now I'm "just" a wife.

Tell me I'm not alone in feeling like this.

It doesn't help that I haven't seen my DH in weeks and I'm up to my eyeballs taking care of things at home.  Being "just the wife" certainly doesn't entail less effort.  It's just a different kind now.






by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Birdseed
by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:49 PM

bump

RMB2011
by Platinum Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:52 PM
Eh. I'm either SO's woman or he's my man when people are trying to connect us. Or we are referred to as one person. Lol it's never really bothered me because usually after the connect is made I am called by my actual name.
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silverdawn99
by Ruby Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:56 PM
Aww at least you have your kids right?
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Mrs.Torres2566
by Mrs.T on Apr. 8, 2013 at 7:59 PM

I don't mind being called his wife.

AlekD
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:00 PM
1 mom liked this
If I had a problem with being known as his wife I wouldn't have married him. O_o He met your husband first, that's all.
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Leissaintexas
by Platinum Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:01 PM
1 mom liked this

I can't relate, I love being a wife and take pride in it, I've never had a "career". But heres a bump

oboe_chik
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:01 PM
You sound like you resent the hell out of your husband.
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Birdseed
by Bronze Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:01 PM



Quoting silverdawn99:

Aww at least you have your kids right?


No.  I have no bio kids.  Just my steps.


oboe_chik
by on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:03 PM
I agree. People my dh works with know me as his wife (unless they r friends outside of work) because they havent met me but see me drop him off or me with him. i dont think ne thing of it.

Quoting AlekD:

If I had a problem with being known as his wife I wouldn't have married him. O_o He met your husband first, that's all.
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ilovemykids323
by Platinum Member on Apr. 8, 2013 at 8:05 PM

 i'm sure he was just making the connection. i'd do the same thing to someone's husband... ooooh you are x's husband... I would try not to make it so personal. but it sounds like being a stay at home wife/mom isn't your thing maybe you should talkt to your husband and say you need more to your idenity. or whatever

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