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You expect a 4 yr old to pay for her dad's funeral?

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My fiance died unexpectedly several months ago.  He had a back injury and had to have surgery. 9 hours after the surgery ( while still in the hospital) he had a heart attack and died. We have a 4 yr. old child together. Obviously we are devastated and it has been a real struggle in every way. His wish was to be cremated, we had talked about this several times in the past. When he died and arrangements were being discussed his grandmother called me a liar when I expressed his desire of cremation. She said it was not going to happen and he would have never wanted that. I told her I didn't have the money for a burial and this was what he wanted. She said she would pay for it herself before that happened, she's not rich per say but she's well off.  A few hours later she called me and said she made an appt at the funeral home. She made all the arrangements. I asked to be included and was allowed to be there but I had no say so in any of it. Now she's complaining about the money she spent. She's asked me for money a coupe of times. Her daughter has called and asked me for money. Most recently her granddaughter asked me for money. I have 3 children that I am solely responsible for. I don't make alot of money and like most people, I have a mortgage, car payment, utilities, insurance etc etc...Our daughter received a small settlement because his injury was work related and they all feel like I need to give that to the grandmother.  He doesn't even have a grave marker (headstone) and I am trying to get one b/c it bothers me that his grave is unmarked. That is a couple of thousand dollars that I will pay on my own. The aunt said that should not be my priority, my priority should be paying her mom back. Essentially they are asking my 4 yr old to pay for her dad's funeral and I dont think thats right. I want our daughter to have a relationship with his family so I am trying really hard to be nice but they are stressing me out!! Do you think they are right?? And thank you for listening, I have no one to talk to about this.

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:54 PM
Replies (11-20):
by Froggie on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:06 PM

Tell grandma that she said she would pay for and now she needs to STFU about the money. She didn't even give you a say in the planning so she is SOL on the money. 

Oh and tell her daughter to butt the hell out and to STFU as well. Same reasons. 

by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:06 PM
1 mom liked this
Thats not right at all. By the sounds of it the gtandmother insisted on it and you didnt ask for a cent. I take it there was no living will that could have shown that your df wanted to be cremated? I am talking to my SO about getting a living will so that everyone is on the same page when that time comes. The money your dd got is for her. The grandmother can just, how to put nicely go f**k herself. Shes the one that insisted on a burial, a funeral not you. You would have paid for the cremation. Just sounds like some greedy folks. I know you want her to have a relationship with his family but thats gonna be tough if they keep harrasing you for money
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by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:06 PM
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I wouldn't have even let that happen.

I would have looked at them and said "these are his wishes, be a part of it or not". But I'm a bitch.

I would also NOT give them the money. It is HERS. THEY made the choice not to listen to you and spend all the money. THEIR fault.

by Emerald Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:07 PM
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Apologize *even though you're not sorry, nor should you be* that they are out the money, but remind them that he wished to be cremated and they made the choice to bury him, and now they have to pay for that choice. Tell them the money that was left for your daughter should go to your daughter, and that a 4-year old shouldn't be expected to pay for her father's funeral.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:08 PM

No say no pay. 

You had no say in the funeral so you should not pay her anything. If money was an issue she should have went with a cheaper option.

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:08 PM
Quoting bustybee:

I think that they should have listened to you when you discussed how he wished to be buried. they are effectively eliminating you (and your dd by association) by preventing you from having an active role in the funeral/cremation. and then they are trying to discredit his dd by thinking that they are entitled to the settlement left to your dd. I'd say don't give them anything, get the head stone, let them decide the extent of the relationship they want with your dd and always talk positive about them to your dd.

I agree with what this poster said.
by Baby T-rex Arms on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:09 PM

Wow I'm really sorry for your loss.

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:09 PM
1 mom liked this

ok heres the should not have to take it out of your daughter's money because she offered to pay for something that you were against from the begining becuase it was not your husbands wishes buuuuut....had you made the decision to have a funeral, that money would go towards the funeral. My moither passed away when I was 17. I got a nice amount from her LI, it was my responsibity to pay for the funeral because it is part of the estate. 

by Emerald Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:09 PM

 nope the grandmother took over it when she made the plans she wanted... she can pay for it herself. use the settlement money to get him a headstone you want, let the 4 yr old help pick it out but i wouldn't give the grandmother a dime!

by Ruby Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:09 PM
2 moms liked this
You know whats amazing to me? His grandmother sounds like a piece of shit. If I died tomorrow, my grandmother would not only make sure everything was taken care of, but my mother as well. And not a single one of them would ask for any of the expenses paid back because ethey would have done it out of LOVE for me and LOVE for my daughter. Not so that everyone could stand around and talk about how much money they spent on my death. Fuck them.
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