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You expect a 4 yr old to pay for her dad's funeral?

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My fiance died unexpectedly several months ago.  He had a back injury and had to have surgery. 9 hours after the surgery ( while still in the hospital) he had a heart attack and died. We have a 4 yr. old child together. Obviously we are devastated and it has been a real struggle in every way. His wish was to be cremated, we had talked about this several times in the past. When he died and arrangements were being discussed his grandmother called me a liar when I expressed his desire of cremation. She said it was not going to happen and he would have never wanted that. I told her I didn't have the money for a burial and this was what he wanted. She said she would pay for it herself before that happened, she's not rich per say but she's well off.  A few hours later she called me and said she made an appt at the funeral home. She made all the arrangements. I asked to be included and was allowed to be there but I had no say so in any of it. Now she's complaining about the money she spent. She's asked me for money a coupe of times. Her daughter has called and asked me for money. Most recently her granddaughter asked me for money. I have 3 children that I am solely responsible for. I don't make alot of money and like most people, I have a mortgage, car payment, utilities, insurance etc etc...Our daughter received a small settlement because his injury was work related and they all feel like I need to give that to the grandmother.  He doesn't even have a grave marker (headstone) and I am trying to get one b/c it bothers me that his grave is unmarked. That is a couple of thousand dollars that I will pay on my own. The aunt said that should not be my priority, my priority should be paying her mom back. Essentially they are asking my 4 yr old to pay for her dad's funeral and I dont think thats right. I want our daughter to have a relationship with his family so I am trying really hard to be nice but they are stressing me out!! Do you think they are right?? And thank you for listening, I have no one to talk to about this.

by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 12:54 PM
Replies (31-40):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:13 PM
A headstone only costs a few hundred dollars and yes since the settlement was essentially your DF's I think you should have paid for the funeral...yeah I know not popular opnion. But your DD can get survivors benefits....I could not imagine saying no I won't pay for my DH's funeral....there wouldn't even be a question as to who would pay especially if I received a settlement for his death.
nickysdestiny
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:13 PM

how incredibly insensitive of them! I am so sorry for your loss my heart aches for you and your family!

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:13 PM

Hell no, i wouldnt pay them a dime.

If you, for whatever reason, decide to give them any money at all, pay the amount the cremation would have been. That's what he wanted, that's what you wanted, that's all you should pay IF you decide to pay anything at all.  

BeAmour
by Tonya on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:14 PM
1 mom liked this
There was no contract, no agreement of repayment.....that's her fault, not yours. If she didn't really have that money, she shouldn't have put it out.

If she was a true grandma, she would encourage you to put DDs' money into a trust!
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lovemyhoney19
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:15 PM
She butted in and made a decision that wasn't hers in the first place. Now she needs to deal with it. Do not give that woman a penny and ask them to stop harassing you. Leave the money for your dd for when she grows up. I am sorry that in the midst of your grief they are acting like vultures about money. Sorry for your loss.
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nickysdestiny
by on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:15 PM

 


Quoting Anonymous:

A headstone only costs a few hundred dollars and yes since the settlement was essentially your DF's I think you should have paid for the funeral...yeah I know not popular opnion. But your DD can get survivors benefits....I could not imagine saying no I won't pay for my DH's funeral....there wouldn't even be a question as to who would pay especially if I received a settlement for his death.

the settlement went to HIS DAUGHTER not her it was a death benefit and he didnt want a funeral he wanted to be cremated.  why on earth shoud the child pay for something her daddy didnt even want?!?!?! her grandma and great grandma pushed what they wanted let them pay for it

 

Mrs.Kubalabuku
by Ruby Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:17 PM

I'm so sorry you are going through all this.  But let this be a cautionary tale to those who are unwed with children:  You need living wills and life insurance.  Whether you are engaged, or never plan to marry, you need wills and life insurance to protect your loved ones.

OP, I would talk to a lawyer.  You should bring a lawyer up to speed because you don't know how this might play out, and having a lawyer who knows the backstory could prove vital should they do something nasty legally.

Also, take that money and put it away.

Finally, I'd tell them where that money is going.  Remind them this child has a future: a future with NO father to provide for her.  That money is going towards a college fund.  It's going to go to the ongoing care and happiness of the child he left behind.  Ask them if they REALLY think she deserves to lose out on the good things in life, if he REALLY would have wanted her to NOT go to college, NOT have a car, NOT have a lovely wedding of her own someday, so they could pay for a big funeral.

Ask if you can help out in other ways.  Maybe you could have Grandma over for dinner once a week to help cut food costs and foster the relationship between her and DD.

No, they are not right.  Grandma offered to pay for a funeral you knew he didn't want.  But clearly his side of the family needed it, and with no will specifying his wishes, your hands were tied.  Since she offered to pay, it's ALL on her. 

Do they know how much DD got from the settlement?  If not, NEVER tell them.  If they do, from here on out it is NONE of their business.

Lalalie
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:17 PM

Grandma made her choice.


Your 4 year old needs to keep that money. It is hers, for her future.

I am so sorry for the loss you guys have suffered. It is petty, and ridiculous what they are doing and unfortunately there isn't really a way to get them to stop so just cut contact. That will be better for you.

Sunshine257
by Ruby Member on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:17 PM

No don't give them any money. They didn't listen to his wishes they excluded you. You don't owe them anything. That is your daughter's money. I am sorry for your loss. That must be a very difficult situation to be in. I hope it gets better for you. Hugs.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 9, 2013 at 1:19 PM
They was only engaged, so she should not have to pay a dime. Specially since she got no say in his funeral that he NEVER wanted to begin with.

Quoting angie_de_3:

ok heres the thing.....you should not have to take it out of your daughter's money because she offered to pay for something that you were against from the begining becuase it was not your husbands wishes buuuuut....had you made the decision to have a funeral, that money would go towards the funeral. My moither passed away when I was 17. I got a nice amount from her LI, it was my responsibity to pay for the funeral because it is part of the estate. 

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