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Are adoptive parents morally obligated to give extra visitation to biomoms?

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 47 Replies

My sister and her husband adopted two wonderful children three years ago.  The bio mom was a real piece of work.  The kids where in and out of foster care, abused, neglected, and she was a raging alcoholic.  Her rights weren't even officially stripped by the state, she just one day said "Come take them I don't want them anymore" and waived her right to court and stuff.

Because of what they went through, the kids have behavioral issues as well because they where 8 and 4 when adopted.  Among other things, the one kids baby daddy was a child molester and the other baby dad was a rapist (convicted and now in jail!  Not good people here!)  My sister and husband opted for an open adoption with the biomom and the agreement allowed the bio mom to have one supervised visit a year and one phone call a month because the biomom was entering and compleated rehab.

Fast forward, the bio mom is treating the adoption like joint custody.  She calls more than once a week, she just came out for a week and stayed at their house, then she told the kids that they where going to go spend a week in the summer with her!  My sister and brother have had enough!  They have allowed her to be in the kids life way more than what was originally agreed upon, now the kids are so upset and angry at them because they absolutely won't allow the kids to go spend a week with her unsupervised.  

They have had enough!  They have two additional kids already with an open adoption and the relationship and boundaries are wonderful, and over the last 10 years, a lot of trust and stuff has been built up.  They are so fed up with the bio mom they are thinking about enforcing the ONE phone conversation and ONE supervised visit a year.  

Do you think they are morally obligated to offer more? 

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:10 AM
No.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:10 AM

bump 

Momma.x3
by Bronze Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:11 AM
No they set rules when they adopted, bio mom should follow them.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:11 AM

on one hand they want whats best for the kids.  On the other hand this woman brings drama into the kids life and has no sense of boundaries. Quoting Anonymous:


No.


ballerina18
by Platinum Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:12 AM

Tough situation!

I wish them luck and hope they can figure this out! I don't think any of us here on cafemom can say what is right or wrong in this case. Your sister and her DH need to do what is best for the children, even if that means cutting down on visitation with their bio mom.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:12 AM

they are really being more than nice allowing her to come out for a week every year and stay at their place!  She is only really allowed to get ONE visit supervised a year so she has it good.  

Quoting Momma.x3:

No they set rules when they adopted, bio mom should follow them.


LiliM
by Platinum Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:14 AM
2 moms liked this

No.  Bio mom is a piece of shit, and her kids are fucked.  She has given the hard work - raising them, and fixing the mess she allowed - to someone else.  But wants to be MOTFY and pretend she didn't actually give up her kids because she was lazy and neglectful.

Unless your sis and BIL did the agreement in PA - which is the only state where an open adoption agreement can be entered as a CO - then I, personally, would make this a closed adoption.  THese kids are damaged, and BM is not doing a damn thing to make that damage better.  She is a selfish ass, and the kids do not need her around them.  They have enough therapy in their future as it is.

Tell your sis that while open adoption works with some people, there are others it does not, and this BM is one of those.  Close the adoption, and let those kids use the therapy to try and heal from their beginnings.  Poor kids.

To answer your question, NO.  And unless it's a legal order, not even what's in the agreement.  THEY are the parents, and can judge what is best for the kid.  This BM is not best for anyone.  Good luck to your sis and BIL.

Jessica518
by on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:14 AM
No their not her kids anymore. She needs to follow the rules. Shes confusing the kids.
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ElizabethGracie
by on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:15 AM

hmm,I have no idea. I see where they're coming from,but I can also see where, with the kids being older,why they would still want to stay in contact with their mother.

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"Live as if you have faith and faith will be given to you"

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:15 AM

who else has an open adoption?  Can anyone share different arrangements?

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