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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Need some outside input

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 6 Replies

Long story short. I've been with SO for almost 12 years now, we have two beautuful little girls together. I wouldn't change that at all. We have been fighting a lot lately. We used to be very close and I could talk to him about anything but I don't feel that way anymore. At times he makes me feel like I don't deserve time to just relax or have me time. Right now I am a SAHM and I go to school fulltime. I am with the girls 24/7. He works during the day and comes home.

My other problem is that over the past 12 years he has changed. I know I have changed too but not like he has. I seem to find myself regretting a lot of decisions I have made and resenting him in ways for oppertunities I have missed out on. He isn't very social anymore but always talks about it being nice if we had friends to go and do things with. I've made a friend and she invited us to a cookout this weekend. I knew it was a long shot but when I asked him if he wanted to go he said "Um yeah I don't think so." Then says I can still go. 

I also have been having dreams about an one certain ex. It's always him. Never anyone else. I just don't know how I really feel about anything anymore. 

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 10, 2013 at 8:46 AM
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Replies (1-6):
sugareemommee
by Platinum Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 8:49 AM
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. The only thing you can really do is voice how you're feeling to him.

Minus the dreams about the ex.

Could he be depressed?
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Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 10, 2013 at 12:16 PM


I'm not sure if he is depressed but I know he is stressed out with his job and having to deal  with his brother's issues. 

Quoting sugareemommee:

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. The only thing you can really do is voice how you're feeling to him.

Minus the dreams about the ex.

Could he be depressed?



Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:03 PM

bumo

AmaliaD
by Platinum Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:05 PM

just go to the cook out.   allpeople change - if you cannot stand him leave.   

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:06 PM

I would start buiding my own social life and keep him out of it. Don't depend on your DH for your happiness

buttersworth
by Silver Member on Apr. 10, 2013 at 2:25 PM

it is my observation that men in general do not fully understand what work goes into being a sahm. my dh wants me to be a sahm. he knows the kids are a lot of work. but he does not fully appreciate how much work it actually is because he 1) does not do it, 2) is working when i'm being a sahm, and 3) was never on par with what stages they are at. EVEN when babysitting for two hours and I come home, and he is desperate, does not realize that I am doing this for a far longer period of time, in the measure of days and weeks, than he is; and then does not seem to wonder if i ever get desperate.

Men can somehow vaguely sympathize, but do not - when it comes to child-rearing - know how to empathize.

I don't care if you have a husband that's supportive of you, or one that 'helps' around the house, or one that spends all kinds of money so you can pay for help and support. They don't get it. That is why one common peice of advice often given to women with your complaint is: make him stay home with the baby for a day so he'll get it.

Unfortunately, they might 'get it' but that understanding fades away after time. They get this selective amnesia about knowing how hard it is when YOU are the one being constant caregiver.

So here's what my mother, who I considered and posthumously still consider a sahm sage, had once told me:

-If you want help, ask for a specific thing to be specifically done

-Don't complain about how he did something, because he won't help you with it again

-Praise the crap out of whatever he does, even though it's something you do a million times thanklessly

-in this way, you have to think about him and treat him like one of the kids

and i would add-

-If you want harmony in your house, do the above and just eat your pride

-if you want to stop fighting then give up on the fact that you are right. you probably are right, but when it's you vs him, being right doesn't mean jack

-when you really 'hate' him, just remember he was an itty bitty baby like the one's he helped you produce, at one time. and emotionally he still acts like an itty bitty baby with you, because now that you'rethe mom of his kids, you've absorbed this mom-lable that he's psychologically slapped on you - ie, you are like the mom of the house, dare i say kinda like a mom to him. (i swear when you look at it this way, it totally makes you less mad, because after all, he really IS several steps behind your parenting capabilities and he is subconsciously aware of this descripancy which makes him insecure).

-and lastly, some people are of the ilk that women are subservient to men. Well, i don't exactly see it that way ..but...i do believe we are here to help men. Because they can't fight their way out of a paper bag, so they NEED us. If we recognize that, we can realize our own feminity in the fact that we are the servants who are empowered. (Like is said in that movie, 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding" :

'The man is the head.

But the woman, she is the neck.

And she can turn the head  ANY way she wants..."

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