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I'm done acting like I feel bad for getting pregnant

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

I am pregnant with our 3ird child. Me and DH are planning on telling MIL and FIL tonight. I am concerned because with the first 2 pregnancies, MIL and FIL acted like it was some horrible thing. Instead of being happy for us, she said things like "oh, your poor sister", "why don't "we" keep this under our hats for a while" yes she wanted me to HIDE my pregnancy. There is always an air of dread. Throughout my pregnancy, anytime anything about the pregnancy is mentioned around SIL, MIL will quickly change the subject and give me this nasty look like "how dare you talk about that" even if someone else was the one who brought it up. She even told me not to have invitations sent out to DH's side of thee family for my baby showers (in our family, we have one for each baby).

This is all because SIL has been trying to get pregnant for about 8 years, since just before me and DH got married. They have spent a ton of money on fertility treatments, she has gotten pregnant a few times but it has always ended in an early miscarriage. For some reason that no one wants to explain, adoption isn't an option.

SIL sometimes acts like I have personally taken her babies or something. If I parent in a way she doesn't like (for example, I don't use cloth diapers, she thinks they are the only way to go) she will say something like "why can you have kids, you don't know what you are doing". She storms off in a huff when she thinks people are giving my pregnancy too much attention and it's even worse when the new baby comes.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that it must be horrible for SIL to not be able to have a baby and I am sure that the fact that in the time that they have been trying, I have had 2 healthy babies, no miscarriages and now I am pregnant again has only added to that. On the other hand, I am sick of feeling bad or acting like I feel bad for being pregnant. I want to be excited about my pregnancies, I want to be able to share about what's going on, not all the time but sometimes. I don't think it's any more fair to try to make me feel guilty for having babies then it is to make SIL feel guilty because she can't.

I talked to DH about my concerns and he agrees with me. We are going to tell MIL and FIl about the pregnancy but we are also going to explain to them that we are very excited and we hope that they will be too and that it was very hurtful the past two pregnancies when mostly upset about us being pregnant.

I hope everything goes ok, if not we may just have to distance ourselves for a while.

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 20, 2013 at 9:43 AM
Replies (21-30):
by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 9:58 AM

Wow. She's a bitch, and she really needs to work on herself before she brings a child into this world. 

by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 9:59 AM
Wow.... First. Congrats! Ypu and DH are right. Babies are meant to ne celebrated. SIL needs to put on her grown up britches and understand that her life may just remain childless and it is NOT your fault. There is no vlame to be had. On the other hand I was not received well when I told my mother I was pregnant. I got "Oh God. Please say you didn't plan this." We had lost a pregnancy appx 6 mons before so yeah I was excited... That was crushed. My mother still tries to shame me for becoming a parent at 20. I can understand how sad that is to feel 'ashamed' of being pregnant.
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by Platinum Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 9:59 AM

Best of luck to you.  

You need to be able to enjoy your pregnancy and have the people around you be openly happy for you too.  This is so wrong that your in-laws are behaving this way and your SIL needs professional help.  She's being a rude asshole.  She has no excuse.  And your in-laws are making her behavior even worse.  How dare they ask you to keep a lid on your wonderful news. 

Say what you have to, but be prepared to stay away from them for a while.   Negative people are never good to have around, especially when you're pregnant.  

Oh and I've been through the whole infertility dance and IVF and miscarriage and I NEVER begrudged anyone their joy.  (Okay, pregnant teens and junkies pissed me off but, come on, that's totally reasonable!)

by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 10:00 AM

Good luck!

We're ttc, and just found out that I may be the reason we haven't had luck. And we haven't been trying for as long as your SIL, but I can understand the jealousy felt when someone else is pregnant. However, that doesn't mean I don't let them talk about it.

My docs have mentioned counseling for me if it gets to a point where my feelings and regular dreams of having a baby get to a point of controlling my life. I do get very sad a lot. But I don't let it interfere.

I get the feeling though that the in-laws would oppose counseling, am I right?

Hang in there, and don't walk on eggshells.

Katie, proud wife of a railroader, and a future mother-to-be! 

I am the admin for a fb group for women who love a railroader. If you love a railroader, please join us. Search for Railroad Wives, Girlfriends, and Significant Others.

I only reply if I've been quoted, or I happen to look and see a response. So, if you want to discuss with me, please quote me. :) Thank-you and good day!

by Anonymous 9 on Apr. 20, 2013 at 10:01 AM

That's sad. I have the same issue going on with my twin sisters, one is pregnant and the other has been trying for over a year, and just had a very early mc. If it was me, and i had healthy pregnancies, i would offer to surrogate so that she could have a baby.

by Anonymous 10 on Apr. 20, 2013 at 10:04 AM
Honestly, but because they are DH family doesnt mean you should have to be subjected to their negativity. Do NOT tolerate rude comments like that. You really need to put them in their place.

Don't expect anything from.MIL or SIL but celebrate the hell ouy of this pregnancy. Babies are exciting andyou shouldn't have to HIDE it again to pacify a bitter SIL. Her infertility is not your problem, I'm sorry to be harsh but its unfair to you and DH.

Also, when she makes comments rudely about how you raise your babies you need to confront her and say "WHEN you have children you are free to raise them as you fit. However I will raise OUR children how we see fit and did not seek your advice!". I know its harsh but she is intentionally lashing out at you because she thinks she can and its not OK and her toxic attitude is not good for you to be around. You and DH have a RIGHT to celebrate your children...each and every one! Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 20, 2013 at 10:07 AM

SIL actually has asked me to surrogate, when I said no, it was a BIG thing and we didn't talk to her or MIL for months after that. SIL has also already asked her brother's fiance' who gave a big HELL NO.

Quoting Anonymous:

Just be glad they havent asked you to hgive them a il say I have plenty I can be generius and give my sil 1.uh no why is it my fault and I know she is jelly and calls me.a bad parent

by Platinum Member on Apr. 20, 2013 at 10:07 AM

I would be screaming with joy from the roof tops!

by on Apr. 20, 2013 at 10:08 AM

Make yourself known clearer.

"I understand that SIL is having a hard time, however, I am planning on CELEBRATING my pregnancies.  If you guys can't handle that, then maybe we should just not be around each other much so we don't offend one another."

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 20, 2013 at 10:09 AM

Wow, thanks. I am actually thinner and more toned then SIL, I wear a size between 1 to 3 pants. Being able to have babies, which is what women are supposed to be able to do, doesn't make a baby factory. It makes me a healthy fertile woman.

Quoting Anonymous:

Ehh. Have some compassion you loose factory.

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