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Confession - I cut myself

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 12 Replies

About once every 2 months I get really really depressed and it feels so good to hack into my arm with a kitchen knife. I say "hack" because I don't saw into it slowly, I whack it. I go to therapy, and have for years. I have had a couple therapists ask if I have been sexually abused. To the best of my knowledge I never have. They say that kind of abuse brings on intense shame and self hatred. Well, my shame and self-hatred is off the charts compared to others I have asked about it. I have never heard a single person describe the depth of self hatred, vomit-inducing shame and humiliation just from being seen and the searing loneliness that I feel and have felt since I was a child. I was not abused as a child, that I know of, but because of this view of myself I became an easy target for abusers and I became an abused person. (I cut myself before I was abused).  I fought back, which made my abuser even angrier, and left me feeling confused about my weakness vs. my strength. I can't tell which is stronger, since, if I'm strong enough to fight back, then how is it that I'm weak enough to accept abuse? Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel that just their existence on the planet is shameful? If you do, do you have a past of abuse or not, or is it not entirely known??

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 21, 2013 at 4:36 AM
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Replies (1-10):
504bbymami
by Sapphire Member on Apr. 21, 2013 at 4:38 AM
I can relate to an extent
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SissyAnn141
by Gold Member on Apr. 21, 2013 at 4:42 AM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 21, 2013 at 4:59 AM
Yeah you can always relate to everything.


Quoting 504bbymami:

I can relate to an extent

CuzImMOM
by on Apr. 21, 2013 at 5:03 AM
I use to cut. The last time was 12 years ago. I about died. Have not done it since but come close. I don't think it's something I'll ever get over
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 21, 2013 at 5:14 AM

bump

raye-chan
by Raye on Apr. 21, 2013 at 5:15 AM
I still struggle with cutting today. I understand and know how you feel hon.
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Sammybby09
by Gold Member on Apr. 21, 2013 at 5:18 AM

I used to cut.. With my second pregnancy, I had the urge a lot. Last time was about 2 months ago. I hope it gets better. :/ I can relate.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 21, 2013 at 5:19 AM
Quoting raye-chan:

I still struggle with cutting today. I understand and know how you feel hon.
Do you understand that level of self hatred?? I made this post because it occurred to me that maybe someone in this group could relate to such a strong feeling. I have never heard it described in a way I could relate to.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 21, 2013 at 5:32 AM

 It's not always about self hatred. Some times its about releasing tension - it's like a clock that's wound to tight and it offers relief.  For some people it replaces the sex act. Some do it because it helps off set a different kind of pain, be it psychical or mental. Some people do it because someone introduced them to it and they became addicted to the rush of adrenalin it produced.

Cutting is in many ways the same as a drug addiction.

Have you considered seeing a hypnotist? Maybe they could help you find out what's causing your hatred of yourself.

It's a very useful tool.

Good Luck, I hope you find relief from your torment.

unusualmom
by on Apr. 21, 2013 at 5:42 AM
1 mom liked this
Im a cutter. For me its not about self hatred. Its about releasing the pressure of something bad that has happened - something I dont want to deal with. I dont understand where your therapists are going with this whole self hatred thing. People who cut do it for many reasons.
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