About once every 2 months I get really really depressed and it feels so good to hack into my arm with a kitchen knife. I say "hack" because I don't saw into it slowly, I whack it. I go to therapy, and have for years. I have had a couple therapists ask if I have been sexually abused. To the best of my knowledge I never have. They say that kind of abuse brings on intense shame and self hatred. Well, my shame and self-hatred is off the charts compared to others I have asked about it. I have never heard a single person describe the depth of self hatred, vomit-inducing shame and humiliation just from being seen and the searing loneliness that I feel and have felt since I was a child. I was not abused as a child, that I know of, but because of this view of myself I became an easy target for abusers and I became an abused person. (I cut myself before I was abused). I fought back, which made my abuser even angrier, and left me feeling confused about my weakness vs. my strength. I can't tell which is stronger, since, if I'm strong enough to fight back, then how is it that I'm weak enough to accept abuse? Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel that just their existence on the planet is shameful? If you do, do you have a past of abuse or not, or is it not entirely known??