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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

by April Daniels Hussar

wedding ringsA recent conversation in a CafeMom discussion group got me thinking: Would I feel comfortable with my husband having a straight, female friend? One who wasn't attached to a guy friend? Hmm. I feel that it's very, VERY rare that two straight people of the opposite gender are truly, 100 percent "just friends." There's more often than not some sort of complicated feelings harbored by at least one of them, during at least some part of the friendship. I have not just personal experience, but science on my side in the matter of whether platonic relationships truly exist

Yet, yet, and yet again -- in anticipation of all the comments I can imagine this post getting about what great guy friends you have and how you LOVE your husband's best friend who happens to look like Cameron Diaz ...

I do concede that there are always exceptions to the rule. For example, I'm not talking about when you and your husband, as a couple, make friends with another couple; or you make friends with your husband's guy friends; or he makes friends with your girlfriends. That's a horse of a different color, to quote that guy at the gate of the Emerald City.

I now count two men among my dearest friends, both of whom are among my husband's best friends. I spend a lot of time with these guys; we've all been through some major life stuff together, and my husband and daughter and I consider them family. I also adore my best friend's husband -- he's someone I could call on under any circumstances if I ever needed anything. But still, the relationship I have with these men isn't really independent of my coupledom, or my best friend herself; it's not like I'd ever hang out with these guys without our respective mates.

Then there are the friendships that get "grandfathered" in. It's one thing to meet and make a NEW friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship; it's another if you and your mate already had true opposite-sex friends when you met. When I met my now-husband, he had one pretty good, unattached female friend, and I couldn't have cared less. I grew up in a very liberal part of Northern California, where this sort of things is very common (too common). Ergo, on my part, I had a handful of guy "friends" -- but most of them were ex-boyfriends. (See previous note about liberal Northern California!)

My hubby, an old-fashioned guy from New Jersey in some respects, was understandably more than a little uncomfortable with this. I've come to agree: exes really don't make good friends (though of course there ARE EXCEPTIONS to this rule!), and over the years, I've stayed in close contact with the one guy who was really, always just a friend, and lost touch on purpose with the others. Or rather, would have lost touch completely, if not for Facebook, which brings us to a really gray area ...

What about online "friends"? My husband and I both have Facebook friends of the opposite sex; some are, indeed, exes, some are old high school pals, and still others are people we've met along the way through work or what have you. Probably most of them are not people it would be appropriate for us to spend time with in person (alone, anyway), but somehow it's okay that it's a connection through Facebook, probably because we trust each other.

Ultimately -- whether talking about Facebook pals or friends in real life -- I think it does come down to trust, and to making decisions based on circumstances. Sure, it's possible that my husband could meet a woman through, say, a work project, and find that she's a real kindred spirit. Platonically. But for me to feel okay with that, I'd have to meet her, spend time with her and my husband together, and feel totally comfortable with her intentions. Also, let's face it: it would help if she were about 75 and not as pretty as me!

Do you think it's acceptable for married people to have friends of the opposite sex?

by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:51 PM
Replies (181-184):
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 7:47 AM

Quoting peanutsmommy1:


my best friend from college is a guy. I told DH when we started dating that if he a problem with it to let me know up front because I had more attachemt to my friend then to him. 3 mos after we started dating I flew to St Louis to visit him for the weekend.

That was a conversation DH and I had too. Only my friend is also an Ex. My friend apparantly said the same thing to his now girlfriend. We still love each other but we aren't in love, we wanted completely different things out of life and decided it was best to just be friends. It's been 12 years since then and we are still close.

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by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 7:49 AM

 My DF has women friends....  They were his friends before we met...  I don't think he should become friends with new lady friends after we have been together. He agrees. I would not tell him to stop being friends with his current friends. He even has a groomswoman. Haha

by Gold Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:17 AM

 I hate that it is considered unacceptable. I LOVE my husband, I am 100% loya, and plan to stay that way When I married him (almost 8 years ago) it was with, and is the plan to stay together forever. That being said, I tend to like guys better than girls. I do have girlfriends, and they are great. However,  tend to get more interseted in conversations with guys rather tan girls. I lie that they tend to be more straight forward, and you get the whole story. My husband understands this. However, with that being saidI really only have 2 really close guy friends now, and both are buddies with hubby too.

by Anonymous 42 on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:21 AM

I can't remember if I answered this one....

Yes and no.  

I trust HIM and know if he is just friends he is just friends.  He does have a few.

I do not always trust HER.  And, sadly, my gut has been right far too many times.  I'd warn DH she gave me a bad feeling, and he would reassure me to trust HIM.  But lo and behold, she'd need help hanging curtains or fixing a leaky pipe or some lame excuse and when DH showed up to help she was in lingerie.  Or he'd be giving her a ride home and she'd try to throw herself on him or invite him in.

It's to the point where DH trusts my gut reaction.  If I tell him a woman is giving "that vibe" he'll arrange things so they are never alone together.  He can't always cut girls out of the picture, because his workplace has quite a few.  And if they are part of the office and we hang out with a lot of people from the office, it wouldn't be fair to cut someone out for something I suspect they would do.  But we can be proactive in making sure she never has the chance to be less than honorable.

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