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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

by April Daniels Hussar

wedding ringsA recent conversation in a CafeMom discussion group got me thinking: Would I feel comfortable with my husband having a straight, female friend? One who wasn't attached to a guy friend? Hmm. I feel that it's very, VERY rare that two straight people of the opposite gender are truly, 100 percent "just friends." There's more often than not some sort of complicated feelings harbored by at least one of them, during at least some part of the friendship. I have not just personal experience, but science on my side in the matter of whether platonic relationships truly exist

Yet, yet, and yet again -- in anticipation of all the comments I can imagine this post getting about what great guy friends you have and how you LOVE your husband's best friend who happens to look like Cameron Diaz ...

I do concede that there are always exceptions to the rule. For example, I'm not talking about when you and your husband, as a couple, make friends with another couple; or you make friends with your husband's guy friends; or he makes friends with your girlfriends. That's a horse of a different color, to quote that guy at the gate of the Emerald City.

I now count two men among my dearest friends, both of whom are among my husband's best friends. I spend a lot of time with these guys; we've all been through some major life stuff together, and my husband and daughter and I consider them family. I also adore my best friend's husband -- he's someone I could call on under any circumstances if I ever needed anything. But still, the relationship I have with these men isn't really independent of my coupledom, or my best friend herself; it's not like I'd ever hang out with these guys without our respective mates.

Then there are the friendships that get "grandfathered" in. It's one thing to meet and make a NEW friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship; it's another if you and your mate already had true opposite-sex friends when you met. When I met my now-husband, he had one pretty good, unattached female friend, and I couldn't have cared less. I grew up in a very liberal part of Northern California, where this sort of things is very common (too common). Ergo, on my part, I had a handful of guy "friends" -- but most of them were ex-boyfriends. (See previous note about liberal Northern California!)

My hubby, an old-fashioned guy from New Jersey in some respects, was understandably more than a little uncomfortable with this. I've come to agree: exes really don't make good friends (though of course there ARE EXCEPTIONS to this rule!), and over the years, I've stayed in close contact with the one guy who was really, always just a friend, and lost touch on purpose with the others. Or rather, would have lost touch completely, if not for Facebook, which brings us to a really gray area ...

What about online "friends"? My husband and I both have Facebook friends of the opposite sex; some are, indeed, exes, some are old high school pals, and still others are people we've met along the way through work or what have you. Probably most of them are not people it would be appropriate for us to spend time with in person (alone, anyway), but somehow it's okay that it's a connection through Facebook, probably because we trust each other.

Ultimately -- whether talking about Facebook pals or friends in real life -- I think it does come down to trust, and to making decisions based on circumstances. Sure, it's possible that my husband could meet a woman through, say, a work project, and find that she's a real kindred spirit. Platonically. But for me to feel okay with that, I'd have to meet her, spend time with her and my husband together, and feel totally comfortable with her intentions. Also, let's face it: it would help if she were about 75 and not as pretty as me!

Do you think it's acceptable for married people to have friends of the opposite sex?

by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:51 PM
Replies (21-30):
by LMAO on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:03 PM

Yes I do.

by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:04 PM
no im very against it and so is my husband so it works out. just too much temptation, weve made friends as couples but we dont have friends of the opposite sex that arent a couple and that we havent befriended together. ive never been able to have a guy as a friend without them wanting to date me anyways so it wouldnt work.
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by Anonymous 4 on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:06 PM

My DH is a social person, aside from a job in media, he does like seeing bands at bars and yes I trust him.

by Knitting Maniac on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:09 PM

Yes, why not? I trust him completely!

by Emerald Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:10 PM
In general yes, but it's his duty to create space if unwarranted feelings do develop, before it becomes an issue. Just as I would do. If it became obvious that a guy friend had feelings that cross a boundary I would put plenty of space between us. If they're was an individual situation that made me uncomfortable with my partner I would hope that he would do whatever it took to make me more comfortable with the friendship, making me welcome to come along, being open about anything between them. If someone crossed a boundary I would expect him to distance himself or if warranted end the friendship.
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by Emerald Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:11 PM
Yes. Me and my dh have friends of the opposite sex, and it has never been an issue.
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by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:12 PM

 i trust him. he runs a restaurant so he obviously has to interact with females as well as males. i dont like it.. but he married ME :)

by Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:13 PM
I have a very close friend....he has been there since before DH.... friends for 16 years! I think it would only be fair to allow him the same.
by Katie on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:15 PM

 I have male friends and my husband has female friends. I trust my husband completely.

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by Anonymous 5 on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:16 PM

Really?? How stupid

Quoting jeweldragons:

We don't have friends of the opposite sex.  It has nothing to do with trust.  It has to do with legally you cannot be alone with the opposite sex in Islam if they are not blood related to you.  This includes cousins of the opposite sex since we can marry cousins in Islam and BIL/SIL.  Now I can be around my FIL alone since I cannot marry my FIL and my husband be alone with my mother since he can't marry my mother. 


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