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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

by April Daniels Hussar

wedding ringsA recent conversation in a CafeMom discussion group got me thinking: Would I feel comfortable with my husband having a straight, female friend? One who wasn't attached to a guy friend? Hmm. I feel that it's very, VERY rare that two straight people of the opposite gender are truly, 100 percent "just friends." There's more often than not some sort of complicated feelings harbored by at least one of them, during at least some part of the friendship. I have not just personal experience, but science on my side in the matter of whether platonic relationships truly exist

Yet, yet, and yet again -- in anticipation of all the comments I can imagine this post getting about what great guy friends you have and how you LOVE your husband's best friend who happens to look like Cameron Diaz ...

I do concede that there are always exceptions to the rule. For example, I'm not talking about when you and your husband, as a couple, make friends with another couple; or you make friends with your husband's guy friends; or he makes friends with your girlfriends. That's a horse of a different color, to quote that guy at the gate of the Emerald City.

I now count two men among my dearest friends, both of whom are among my husband's best friends. I spend a lot of time with these guys; we've all been through some major life stuff together, and my husband and daughter and I consider them family. I also adore my best friend's husband -- he's someone I could call on under any circumstances if I ever needed anything. But still, the relationship I have with these men isn't really independent of my coupledom, or my best friend herself; it's not like I'd ever hang out with these guys without our respective mates.

Then there are the friendships that get "grandfathered" in. It's one thing to meet and make a NEW friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship; it's another if you and your mate already had true opposite-sex friends when you met. When I met my now-husband, he had one pretty good, unattached female friend, and I couldn't have cared less. I grew up in a very liberal part of Northern California, where this sort of things is very common (too common). Ergo, on my part, I had a handful of guy "friends" -- but most of them were ex-boyfriends. (See previous note about liberal Northern California!)

My hubby, an old-fashioned guy from New Jersey in some respects, was understandably more than a little uncomfortable with this. I've come to agree: exes really don't make good friends (though of course there ARE EXCEPTIONS to this rule!), and over the years, I've stayed in close contact with the one guy who was really, always just a friend, and lost touch on purpose with the others. Or rather, would have lost touch completely, if not for Facebook, which brings us to a really gray area ...

What about online "friends"? My husband and I both have Facebook friends of the opposite sex; some are, indeed, exes, some are old high school pals, and still others are people we've met along the way through work or what have you. Probably most of them are not people it would be appropriate for us to spend time with in person (alone, anyway), but somehow it's okay that it's a connection through Facebook, probably because we trust each other.

Ultimately -- whether talking about Facebook pals or friends in real life -- I think it does come down to trust, and to making decisions based on circumstances. Sure, it's possible that my husband could meet a woman through, say, a work project, and find that she's a real kindred spirit. Platonically. But for me to feel okay with that, I'd have to meet her, spend time with her and my husband together, and feel totally comfortable with her intentions. Also, let's face it: it would help if she were about 75 and not as pretty as me!

Do you think it's acceptable for married people to have friends of the opposite sex?

by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:51 PM
Replies (31-40):
by Silver Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:18 PM
My dh is too friendly and girls take it the wrong way (I've seen it first hand many times). So he doesn't have girl friends.
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by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:21 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes, of course I do.

He even has some...gasp...ex girlfriends...that are friends.

If you can't trust your husband you shouldn't have married him.

by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:22 PM


by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:25 PM
Yes I don't care that he had female friends just as he doesn't care I have male friend. We trust each other completely
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by Anonymous 6 on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:28 PM
1 mom liked this

yeah, don't cry when he cheats on you with his best friend or friend. A friend is not a sibling. They have breasts and vagina. In a strange lonely moment between the two OFF COURSE anything could and will eventually happen

by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:39 PM

Yes I would because a marriage without trust wouldn't work for us. DH and I pretty much have the same circle of friends so it isn't really something I have put much thought into. I can say I have never had an issue with DH talking to or helping any of our friends male or female.

by Emerald Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:47 PM
Of course. Dh has a close female friend he works with, and even is still friends with his long ago ex. I've met both of them, both are married, never bothered me.

I work with a bunch of guys, one I'm particular I'm closer to. We've gone to lunch, text each other, whatever. No big deal, it's never flirty. DH has met him as well.
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by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:50 PM

 yes....I do anyway.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safety in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming, "WOO HOO, what a ride!!!"

by Anonymous 7 on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:50 PM

Same thing here!! :) 

Quoting Babybear89:

No problems at all I TRUST him. Just like he trusts me to have male friends.


by Amanda on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:51 PM

My dh has friends that are girls...I'm ok with it...

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