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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

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Do You Trust Your Husband to Have Female Friends?

by April Daniels Hussar

wedding ringsA recent conversation in a CafeMom discussion group got me thinking: Would I feel comfortable with my husband having a straight, female friend? One who wasn't attached to a guy friend? Hmm. I feel that it's very, VERY rare that two straight people of the opposite gender are truly, 100 percent "just friends." There's more often than not some sort of complicated feelings harbored by at least one of them, during at least some part of the friendship. I have not just personal experience, but science on my side in the matter of whether platonic relationships truly exist

Yet, yet, and yet again -- in anticipation of all the comments I can imagine this post getting about what great guy friends you have and how you LOVE your husband's best friend who happens to look like Cameron Diaz ...

I do concede that there are always exceptions to the rule. For example, I'm not talking about when you and your husband, as a couple, make friends with another couple; or you make friends with your husband's guy friends; or he makes friends with your girlfriends. That's a horse of a different color, to quote that guy at the gate of the Emerald City.

I now count two men among my dearest friends, both of whom are among my husband's best friends. I spend a lot of time with these guys; we've all been through some major life stuff together, and my husband and daughter and I consider them family. I also adore my best friend's husband -- he's someone I could call on under any circumstances if I ever needed anything. But still, the relationship I have with these men isn't really independent of my coupledom, or my best friend herself; it's not like I'd ever hang out with these guys without our respective mates.

Then there are the friendships that get "grandfathered" in. It's one thing to meet and make a NEW friend of the opposite sex while in a relationship; it's another if you and your mate already had true opposite-sex friends when you met. When I met my now-husband, he had one pretty good, unattached female friend, and I couldn't have cared less. I grew up in a very liberal part of Northern California, where this sort of things is very common (too common). Ergo, on my part, I had a handful of guy "friends" -- but most of them were ex-boyfriends. (See previous note about liberal Northern California!)

My hubby, an old-fashioned guy from New Jersey in some respects, was understandably more than a little uncomfortable with this. I've come to agree: exes really don't make good friends (though of course there ARE EXCEPTIONS to this rule!), and over the years, I've stayed in close contact with the one guy who was really, always just a friend, and lost touch on purpose with the others. Or rather, would have lost touch completely, if not for Facebook, which brings us to a really gray area ...

What about online "friends"? My husband and I both have Facebook friends of the opposite sex; some are, indeed, exes, some are old high school pals, and still others are people we've met along the way through work or what have you. Probably most of them are not people it would be appropriate for us to spend time with in person (alone, anyway), but somehow it's okay that it's a connection through Facebook, probably because we trust each other.

Ultimately -- whether talking about Facebook pals or friends in real life -- I think it does come down to trust, and to making decisions based on circumstances. Sure, it's possible that my husband could meet a woman through, say, a work project, and find that she's a real kindred spirit. Platonically. But for me to feel okay with that, I'd have to meet her, spend time with her and my husband together, and feel totally comfortable with her intentions. Also, let's face it: it would help if she were about 75 and not as pretty as me!

Do you think it's acceptable for married people to have friends of the opposite sex?

by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 12:51 PM
Replies (41-50):
by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:52 PM
Ya i trust him. He flirts around at work to with other females but i dont care.
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by Ruby Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:54 PM

At this point in my life, I would have to say "no."  Yes, I do have trust issues and they only arose in more recent times. 

by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:54 PM
No. Neither of us have single friends of the opposite sex. We're either friends with the couple or it doesn't happen. It's not a trust thing, it's just the way we are. We have been together since I was 15 and he was 17 and it's just never came up so we leave it at that.
by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:56 PM
Yes. The majority of my friends are male. DF was weird about it first but I made it clear to him in the beginning of our relationship that they are like brothers and are NOT going anywhere. He's good friends with all of them now.
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by Gold Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:56 PM
Yes without a dobut, just as he can trust me to have male friends. If I can't trust him to be in control of himself around members of the opposite sex , then I would not be married to him.
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by Ruby Member on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:56 PM

Why wouldn't it be acceptable?  Seriously.  I truly wonder what kind of relationship doesn't allow for friends of the opposite sex.  I've heard of them.  Trust me.  I just honestly don't get it.

DH has a female friend who he met through work.  They haven't worked for the same company for a few years now, but they still maintain the friendship.  I've met her once for about 5 minutes.  She's pretty gorgeous if you ask me - tall, lean, blonde.  Not in a relationship either.  According to this blogger's opinion I should be seething with jealousy.  I just don't see the point.  I know my husband.  I know he chose me and he wants me.  I know I have nothing to worry about.

A week or two ago he IM'd me while at work saying "Just had a nice lunch with Lindsey".  My response - "Cool.  How is she doing btw?"

by Anonymous 8 on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:57 PM

Oh gosh, I didn't read the article, but I'll answer the question - yes and no. He has female friends, mostly from work, but I feel somewhat insecure about it. I try to keep that to myself, though.

by Anonymous 9 on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:57 PM
My husband has no friends outside of work lol, and def no girls .
by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:57 PM
Never thought about it. Can't think of any reason to not trust him.
by on Apr. 23, 2013 at 1:59 PM
1 mom liked this

Do I trust him? Yes.

Do I think its appropriate? No.

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