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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Another woman on his mind..

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 34 Replies

Granted..she's gone, nothin to worry there. But it's not exactly easy to listen to him talk about another woman. 

Someone from his past. She had a disease that took her at a young age. And all I heard last night is how it wasn't fair...made no sense...if he just knew why. And how she was his soul mate(gee thanks). Had to hear the song from her funeral over and over.

Then to top it off...started talking about wanting to make our dd's middle name, this girls first name! Seriously! I'm trying like hell to be supportive, but last night I cried myself to sleep cause I'm never going to be anything but second rate to her. 

How do you deal with that. Knowing your never enough.


*I'm not trying to be heartless by any means...I understand losing a first love..Mine was killed overseas. So the random day you have a break down I can get. But wanting me to change the name we picked from you sisters/grandmother, to a old flame. That was the twist of the knife...

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
starlight91
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:15 AM

Im sorry youre going through this, but I have no advice, because I am first in dh's eyes...

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:15 AM
Leave him?

Idk what to say though mama. I am sorry...*hugs*
kris1stbaby
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:17 AM
1 mom liked this
Your DH needs help dealing with this. I doubt that he's saying this to hurt you but he seems to be in a lot if pain. Sucks for both of you, I'm sorry
mrsfitz05
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:19 AM

 How long ago was this? How long before you got together? I've never lost either a spouse or serious romantic partner so I can't pretend to understand. On some level, I'm sure it never leaves you. But he shouldn't have moved into a relationship (marriage? You didn't say) with you until he had healed. I think he might need some counseling.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:22 AM

Long time ago...about 6 years ago...he says he never dealt with it cause he felt he had to be the strong one for people to lean on (small town). He's still close with the family...works with her dad..


Quoting mrsfitz05:

 How long ago was this? How long before you got together? I've never lost either a spouse or serious romantic partner so I can't pretend to understand. On some level, I'm sure it never leaves you. But he shouldn't have moved into a relationship (marriage? You didn't say) with you until he had healed. I think he might need some counseling.



bad_mama2011
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:26 AM

He clearly wasn't ready to be in another relationship, he's still grieving instead of being happy with what he has. You don't need to be supportive, you need to smack him (literally or figuratively, your choice) and tell him to stop comparing the two of you because he's making you miserable. There comes a time when it stops being about you after you lose someone you love.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:27 AM
Im second to no one. I would leave

He isn't ready for a relationship
Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:28 AM

That sucks I feel for both of you. Maybe he should talk about his feelings to a councelor instead of you. :( Even though that wont really help since he has already said what he has said.

catchup29
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:31 AM

I've always said there is no way I could marry a man who lost a previous wife to death.  Its way too difficult.  They didn't end becasue they weren't in love anymore.

I'm sorry, I don't have advice for you.  Hugs!

mrsfitz05
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:33 AM

 I think it's time he deals with it before it destroys your relationship. We all have baggage and it's understandable that he'll always carry her memory but you can't live the rest of your life like this. I get the small town tragedy dynamic, but he chose to get involved with you and start a family. That has to become his first priority. I think you could expect him to mention her once in a while when things remind him of her, but it sounds like he is still holding on to grief. I don't think you should leave him. He probably needs your support through this but he HAS to get some help.

My MIL passed away 10 years ago. She and my FIL were married 32 years and had 3 kids together. My FIL has been with his new girlfriend for 9 years. She still gets pissed off at him every time my late MIL's name is mentioned. It's like she expects him to throw away half of his life. She can't even stand to look at my oldest because we gave her my MIL's name. In this situation, the new relationship is the problem because she's jealous of a woman that isn't even living anymore. If you were talkign like this, I'd say that you were the one that needed to give him a little wiggle room on this and accept that she was a part of his life. In some ways, she'll probably always still be there. Just like if he'd lost a spouse along the way. It's part of him. But this is something much deeper than that.

Big hugs! I hope he finds a way to work through this. I think your desire for her not to affect every aspect of every minute of your life is reasonable.

Quoting Anonymous:

Long time ago...about 6 years ago...he says he never dealt with it cause he felt he had to be the strong one for people to lean on (small town). He's still close with the family...works with her dad..

 

Quoting mrsfitz05:

 How long ago was this? How long before you got together? I've never lost either a spouse or serious romantic partner so I can't pretend to understand. On some level, I'm sure it never leaves you. But he shouldn't have moved into a relationship (marriage? You didn't say) with you until he had healed. I think he might need some counseling.

 

 

 

Bethany

'Never be ashamed of the indignities to which love may someday reduce you. Worry instead that you may never love so deeply as to risk the ridicule of your countrymen" Roger Elwood

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