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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

UGH! I GIVE UP!

Posted by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 2:23 PM
  • 11 Replies

My dad lives in Alabama, we live in Georgia, it a 4 hr drive. The only time we really hear from him is when its our birthday. He doesnt have a facebook, he doesn't text. Its been about a year since I've seen my dad.

He called me today, because its my birthday. I asked him, are you coming to Alys head start Graduation. He said he wasn't sure because Linda (his ex GF's daughter) is graduating. It really pisses me off for the simple fact that we never see him. Linda has a dad. Why does he really need to go? It would be GREAT if my dad payed attention to his kids, and grand kids, as opposed to his EX girlfriends daughter. WTF!

He has done this ever since we were little. Any time he had a girlfriend, he didnt come see us, didnt call as much, or anything like that. He even refused to pay for half of my sisters senior stuff when she graduated because he said she didn't need all that stuff .. "Class ring, etc.". I wanna wave my hand at him and say "HEY! Were important too!".

Last Feb. I asked him if he could PLEASE come to my kids birthday parties, me and my sisters missed him, and the kids wanted to see "Grandpa Toby". He said he didn't have the money for gas. I offered to PayPal him some, and he said .. "You dont understand .. its more complicated than that". WTF ever. This will be the 3rd Headstart graduation he will be missing.

I know i sound like a bitch, it just really hurts my feelings. I know he lives out of state, but he could ATLEAST make an effort sometimes. I don't know, maybe I'm just being a brat ... but so what. Sometimes a girl needs her daddy, even when she turns 28. I'm really at the point on giving up on having a relationship with him.

by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 2:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Aprilaaw85
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 2:29 PM

BUMP!

Aprilaaw85
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 2:32 PM

BUMP!

mamanjulie
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 2:43 PM
You're not being a brat, your Dad just doesn't seem to be good at being a father.
What has helped me is the realisation that most parents do the best they can. Some are deeply flawed and their "best" falls short..... Wishing more from them only sets you up from disappointment. He loves you as best as he can if that's any consolation.
areles
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 2:51 PM
my best advice to you after watching friends of mine deal with this well into adulthood is: accept, and move on. he's not going to change. you don't want to be 40 and still bitter, banging your head against a wall.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Apr. 24, 2013 at 2:53 PM
I agree. I'm much happier when I stopped idealizing what my parents should be. But acceptance is really hard sometimes.

Quoting areles:

my best advice to you after watching friends of mine deal with this well into adulthood is: accept, and move on. he's not going to change. you don't want to be 40 and still bitter, banging your head against a wall.
Aprilaaw85
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 4:18 PM

 Thats just it, i dont feel like he tries his best. He tries his best with all his ex girlfriends kids. I really just think i need to talk to him about my feelings.

Quoting mamanjulie:

You're not being a brat, your Dad just doesn't seem to be good at being a father.
What has helped me is the realisation that most parents do the best they can. Some are deeply flawed and their "best" falls short..... Wishing more from them only sets you up from disappointment. He loves you as best as he can if that's any consolation.

 

mamanjulie
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 7:29 PM
By all means tell him how you feel! He might take it for granted that you know he loves you so he doesn't have to try as hard. Or he could be a flawed human being and this is as good as it gets. The flaw lies with him, not you, so you'll reach a point where you accept he'll never be the father you wish he were, but you can live with it. Best of luck.


Quoting Aprilaaw85:

 Thats just it, i dont feel like he tries his best. He tries his best with all his ex girlfriends kids. I really just think i need to talk to him about my feelings.


Quoting mamanjulie:

You're not being a brat, your Dad just doesn't seem to be good at being a father.
What has helped me is the realisation that most parents do the best they can. Some are deeply flawed and their "best" falls short..... Wishing more from them only sets you up from disappointment. He loves you as best as he can if that's any consolation.

 


My6Rock
by Bronze Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:18 PM

This is a little long, but I hope you can find some strength in it.

 I met my dad when I was 24. He had disappeared 20 years earlier leaving three girls behind. My mom did the best she could financially, never remarried, and I can only remember one boyfriend who come around every four years or so, and was her HS sweetheart before my dad.

 

If it hadn't been for our wonderful grandfather, we would never have had any positive male role models in our life. My grandparents gave us an example of a good marriage. (My grandma was a bit of a handful, but he loved her more than anything and still had enough love for the rest of us; he had five dds and I was the oldest of many grandchildren.) Because of this, all three of us have awesome marriages that have stood the test of time.

 

Anyway, my sister and I showed up on my father's doorstep. It was awkward at first, but we stayed in hotel for couple of days and the weekend was generally fun. My sister and I got to know him a little during the next year. He was not a nice man. He had a wicked hard life and a personality that could scare off most people. However, my sister and I inherited his hard-ass traits, so we were good.

 

Over the that year, my sister visited him again, he exchanged a few letters and pictures with us, and we spoke to him on the phone. He was always overly concerned that we would hurt his SD and repeatedly talked about how controlling my mother's family was. He talked about how he was glad we had our own minds and thought for ourselves.

 

One day, he went a little overboard, and started saying that he was afraid my mom would have brainwashed us. I told him that in the one year we had known him, he had said more bad things about my mom than my mom had said about him in twenty years. I also asked when he was going to realize that he was the one who walked away, not my mom. He was so mad that he ended the conversation.

 

Later that day, he called me back and said he would rather not speak to us anymore and would like to go back to just staying out of our lives. I asked him why he would do that to us again. He said because he had his own family. I said we were his family once. He said not anymore. It hurt to hear that much more than I expected. I didn't understand how a man who I hadn't even known for 20 years could hurt me that much.

 

We never spoke again, and I eventually came to terms with it. (In less time than one would expect.) I was just grateful that I had met him and was not left wondering. I was more grateful than ever that I had had my grandfather in my life, even if it was only for sixteen years. I realized that my heart missed my grandfather much more than it hurt from my father.

 

Last Christmas, I found out that my father passed away about six years ago. His wife never notified us; there was no letter, and no last goodbyes. It was unsettling that we were left out completely, but I still miss my grandfather more than I care about anything having to do with him. Twenty years later, I can still hold onto this perspective. Find your perspective. Hold to it tightly, and believe in the love you have, not the the one you wish you had.

 

Peace be with you.

Aprilaaw85
by Silver Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:48 PM

Omg. I'm so glad you wrote that. Maybe your right. It's just a sucky situation. My dh just says I set myself up for disappointment when I ask my father anything. And maybe I do.

i do however have a loving (but a pain in the ass) stepfather. My mom remarried when I was like 6. He has always been more of a father figure than my dad has been. My SF has his own children who treat him like crap (his daughter says horrible things about him, and holds her kids over his head - she's a real bitch) and his son is alright (when he isn't strung out on drugs). My sisters and I do think of him as our dad. He is my kids pawpaw. He and my father actually get along, and when we were younger, we would get into arguments with SF, we would tell our dad (being bitchy little teenagers lol) and he would tell us that SF, has always been there for us so we shouldn't give him too much shit. SF never tells us he loves us - but we know he does, he shows it, even if he doesn't out right say it - unless it's our birthday or something, lol. We always pick on him about it.

so maybe I am lucky. And I shouldn't expect so much of my dad, you are right, he isn't going to change. I am lucky to have a SF that cares a lot about his stepchildren. And is actually there for them.

thank you so much for making me realize how lucky I really am.

Quoting My6Rock:

This is a little long, but I hope you can find some strength in it.

 I met my dad when I was 24. He had disappeared 20 years earlier leaving three girls behind. My mom did the best she could financially, never remarried, and I can only remember one boyfriend who come around every four years or so, and was her HS sweetheart before my dad.

 

If it hadn't been for our wonderful grandfather, we would never have had any positive male role models in our life. My grandparents gave us an example of a good marriage. (My grandma was a bit of a handful, but he loved her more than anything and still had enough love for the rest of us; he had five dds and I was the oldest of many grandchildren.) Because of this, all three of us have awesome marriages that have stood the test of time.

 

Anyway, my sister and I showed up on my father's doorstep. It was awkward at first, but we stayed in hotel for couple of days and the weekend was generally fun. My sister and I got to know him a little during the next year. He was not a nice man. He had a wicked hard life and a personality that could scare off most people. However, my sister and I inherited his hard-ass traits, so we were good.

 

Over the that year, my sister visited him again, he exchanged a few letters and pictures with us, and we spoke to him on the phone. He was always overly concerned that we would hurt his SD and repeatedly talked about how controlling my mother's family was. He talked about how he was glad we had our own minds and thought for ourselves.

 

One day, he went a little overboard, and started saying that he was afraid my mom would have brainwashed us. I told him that in the one year we had known him, he had said more bad things about my mom than my mom had said about him in twenty years. I also asked when he was going to realize that he was the one who walked away, not my mom. He was so mad that he ended the conversation.

 

Later that day, he called me back and said he would rather not speak to us anymore and would like to go back to just staying out of our lives. I asked him why he would do that to us again. He said because he had his own family. I said we were his family once. He said not anymore. It hurt to hear that much more than I expected. I didn't understand how a man who I hadn't even known for 20 years could hurt me that much.

 

We never spoke again, and I eventually came to terms with it. (In less time than one would expect.) I was just grateful that I had met him and was not left wondering. I was more grateful than ever that I had had my grandfather in my life, even if it was only for sixteen years. I realized that my heart missed my grandfather much more than it hurt from my father.

 

Last Christmas, I found out that my father passed away about six years ago. His wife never notified us; there was no letter, and no last goodbyes. It was unsettling that we were left out completely, but I still miss my grandfather more than I care about anything having to do with him. Twenty years later, I can still hold onto this perspective. Find your perspective. Hold to it tightly, and believe in the love you have, not the the one you wish you had.

 

Peace be with you.


My6Rock
by Bronze Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:56 PM

 It sounds like it's time to start working on building an even stronger, more memorable relationship with your SF. It will probably become a joy you never knew you already had. Best wishes, and feel free to PM me any time if you would like. Michelle

Quoting Aprilaaw85:

Omg. I'm so glad you wrote that. Maybe your right. It's just a sucky situation. My dh just says I set myself up for disappointment when I ask my father anything. And maybe I do.

i do however have a loving (but a pain in the ass) stepfather. My mom remarried when I was like 6. He has always been more of a father figure than my dad has been. My SF has his own children who treat him like crap (his daughter says horrible things about him, and holds her kids over his head - she's a real bitch) and his son is alright (when he isn't strung out on drugs). My sisters and I do think of him as our dad. He is my kids pawpaw. He and my father actually get along, and when we were younger, we would get into arguments with SF, we would tell our dad (being bitchy little teenagers lol) and he would tell us that SF, has always been there for us so we shouldn't give him too much shit. SF never tells us he loves us - but we know he does, he shows it, even if he doesn't out right say it - unless it's our birthday or something, lol. We always pick on him about it.

so maybe I am lucky. And I shouldn't expect so much of my dad, you are right, he isn't going to change. I am lucky to have a SF that cares a lot about his stepchildren. And is actually there for them.

thank you so much for making me realize how lucky I really am.

Quoting My6Rock:

This is a little long, but I hope you can find some strength in it.

 I met my dad when I was 24. He had disappeared 20 years earlier leaving three girls behind. My mom did the best she could financially, never remarried, and I can only remember one boyfriend who come around every four years or so, and was her HS sweetheart before my dad.

 

If it hadn't been for our wonderful grandfather, we would never have had any positive male role models in our life. My grandparents gave us an example of a good marriage. (My grandma was a bit of a handful, but he loved her more than anything and still had enough love for the rest of us; he had five dds and I was the oldest of many grandchildren.) Because of this, all three of us have awesome marriages that have stood the test of time.

 

Anyway, my sister and I showed up on my father's doorstep. It was awkward at first, but we stayed in hotel for couple of days and the weekend was generally fun. My sister and I got to know him a little during the next year. He was not a nice man. He had a wicked hard life and a personality that could scare off most people. However, my sister and I inherited his hard-ass traits, so we were good.

 

Over the that year, my sister visited him again, he exchanged a few letters and pictures with us, and we spoke to him on the phone. He was always overly concerned that we would hurt his SD and repeatedly talked about how controlling my mother's family was. He talked about how he was glad we had our own minds and thought for ourselves.

 

One day, he went a little overboard, and started saying that he was afraid my mom would have brainwashed us. I told him that in the one year we had known him, he had said more bad things about my mom than my mom had said about him in twenty years. I also asked when he was going to realize that he was the one who walked away, not my mom. He was so mad that he ended the conversation.

 

Later that day, he called me back and said he would rather not speak to us anymore and would like to go back to just staying out of our lives. I asked him why he would do that to us again. He said because he had his own family. I said we were his family once. He said not anymore. It hurt to hear that much more than I expected. I didn't understand how a man who I hadn't even known for 20 years could hurt me that much.

 

We never spoke again, and I eventually came to terms with it. (In less time than one would expect.) I was just grateful that I had met him and was not left wondering. I was more grateful than ever that I had had my grandfather in my life, even if it was only for sixteen years. I realized that my heart missed my grandfather much more than it hurt from my father.

 

Last Christmas, I found out that my father passed away about six years ago. His wife never notified us; there was no letter, and no last goodbyes. It was unsettling that we were left out completely, but I still miss my grandfather more than I care about anything having to do with him. Twenty years later, I can still hold onto this perspective. Find your perspective. Hold to it tightly, and believe in the love you have, not the the one you wish you had.

 

Peace be with you.


 

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