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Do I have a right to be F---ing furious?? *A bit long*

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

SO and I have been talking about children and if we would have one together, even though we both have children from previous relationships (1 is mine and 3 are his).  He asked to adopt mine and I said no for my own reasons, that I do not want to discuss.  He starts on this whole tirade about how he will not be a father figure to mine, and blah blah blah, my child would never call him daddy, blah blah blah.  So I ask him the following question:  

Me: Will you treat my child differently than a child we had together?  

His response: IDK.  Your immediate denial to me adopting her is making me think about it.

Me:I will NOT have a child with a guy who would treat my child any differently than his own just because I won't let him adopt my child.  I also need to think about if I could even be with a man who cannot accept my child as his own without adopting my child.  Fully 100% acceptance of my child will make or break a relationship.

him: I accept your child absolutely.

me:  no you don't.  If you could even think of treating my child any differently because you are not adopting my child, you do not.  I will NOT have my child feel like they are an outsider or even slightly unwanted into any family I do or do not create.

him: that isn't what I meant.  I meant your child calling me by my name and our child calling me daddy. Unless our child has to call me by my name also.  I misinterpreted your question.

Needless to say I'm not buying the whole misinterpreting my question thing, but this really pisses me off.

Ladies, you tell me, did I misinterpret, or misunderstand something or did he say he would treat my child differently than our child?

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 24, 2013 at 4:52 PM
Replies (41-50):
hautemama83
by Emerald Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 10:56 PM
So you expect him to view himself as your childs father figure, when hes not. And you've made it clear you don't want him to be.


Quoting Anonymous:

As a father figure, yes, but I won't shut the door on my child having a relationship with biodad. I decided that long before I even knew SO, that is not going to change now.



Quoting ElitestJen:

You don't accept him as a father figure to your child, so why do expect him to accept that role?  What's with the double standard?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 24, 2013 at 10:58 PM
In my experience, when an adoption like that happens, biodad and his family is pushed out. No matter what biodad does, his family loves our child. I won't take our child from them. I don't want my child treated differently in the home in which my child lives.

Quoting ElitestJen:




Quoting Anonymous:

As a father figure, yes, but I won't shut the door on my child having a relationship with biodad. I decided that long before I even knew SO, that is not going to change now.



Quoting ElitestJen:

You don't accept him as a father figure to your child, so why do expect him to accept that role?  What's with the double standard?

Then don't expect him to accept that role.  That's horribly hypocritical.  Besides, why would an adoption have any affect on a relationship with biodad?  Is a kid only allowed to have a relationship with a legal guardian?

teri4lance
by Platinum Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 10:58 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting Anonymous:

Him adopting her does not eliminate the family. Only you can do that


Quoting Anonymous:

I decided long before I even met SO that I would never close the door on biodad being involved in our child's life. I will not take him or his family out of our child's life, especially when his family loves our child no matter what biodad does.

Quoting Anonymous:

He wants to adopt her, why not? Sounds like your being selfish.



exactly. OP you need to stop thinking of everything in terms of absolutes. you seem very difficult to deal with. if you've got someone who can deal with that and wants to be a real part of your kid's life - you need to find a way to make that happen. 


Without ME there would be no awesome!

hautemama83
by Emerald Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 10:59 PM
At this point, I'm just going to say all of the above.

Quoting Anonymous:

Because I won't let him adopt or I took what he said wrong?



Quoting hautemama83:

You're acting irrationally.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 24, 2013 at 10:59 PM
I don't expect him to be a father to my child if he doesn't want to, but I am not going to stand by while my child gets treated like an outcast in their own family.

Quoting hautemama83:

So you expect him to view himself as your childs father figure, when hes not. And you've made it clear you don't want him to be.





Quoting Anonymous:

As a father figure, yes, but I won't shut the door on my child having a relationship with biodad. I decided that long before I even knew SO, that is not going to change now.





Quoting ElitestJen:

You don't accept him as a father figure to your child, so why do expect him to accept that role?  What's with the double standard?

teri4lance
by Platinum Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:00 PM



Quoting Anonymous:

In my experience, when an adoption like that happens, biodad and his family is pushed out. No matter what biodad does, his family loves our child. I won't take our child from them. I don't want my child treated differently in the home in which my child lives.

Quoting ElitestJen:




Quoting Anonymous:

As a father figure, yes, but I won't shut the door on my child having a relationship with biodad. I decided that long before I even knew SO, that is not going to change now.



Quoting ElitestJen:

You don't accept him as a father figure to your child, so why do expect him to accept that role?  What's with the double standard?

Then don't expect him to accept that role.  That's horribly hypocritical.  Besides, why would an adoption have any affect on a relationship with biodad?  Is a kid only allowed to have a relationship with a legal guardian?


unless you've have one of your children adopted by a different father and subsequently pushed the bio family out, other people's experiences are irrelevant. you choose how involved the family is, not an adoption. 

Without ME there would be no awesome!

kelly617
by Platinum Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:00 PM

I'm kind of confused at this point

Based on your other replies biodad is not in the picture at all...but you're not allowing your SO to adopt her at any point just "incase" biodad wants to jump in and become a father.

That does seem a little off to me. You expect your SO to treat your child as his own, but at any moment a stranger (biodad) could show up and even though he's not been in the picture at all he is allowed all of the "daddy" privleges. He gets all of the responsibility of being a dad to your child, but none of the perks of being "dad"

Seem's kinda shitty to me


 BabyFetus Ticker

MicheleJM
by Phoenix on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:00 PM

And this is why I'm glad I'm too old to have any more children.

You need to discuss it with him.  And the girl...is she old enough to have an opinion on being adopted?  My kids wouldnt like it because their bio father is their daddy...but I think you do need to be married first before adoption comes up.  Your SO has to understand if your relationship fails he is still financially responsible for your child there is no walking away.

ElitestJen
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:00 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting Anonymous:

In my experience, when an adoption like that happens, biodad and his family is pushed out. No matter what biodad does, his family loves our child. I won't take our child from them. I don't want my child treated differently in the home in which my child lives.

You're treating the child differently.  You're refusing that child a father figure based on what you think might happen.  Meanwhile, you're expecting your SO to just fill in the blanks where you decide it's necessary.  That's pretty messed up. 


hautemama83
by Emerald Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 11:03 PM
And this is where you're being irrational.

Do you treat his kids the exact same as your own? Do you love them the same? Do you care for them the exact same as yours?


Quoting Anonymous:

I don't expect him to be a father to my child if he doesn't want to, but I am not going to stand by while my child gets treated like an outcast in their own family.



Quoting hautemama83:

So you expect him to view himself as your childs father figure, when hes not. And you've made it clear you don't want him to be.








Quoting Anonymous:

As a father figure, yes, but I won't shut the door on my child having a relationship with biodad. I decided that long before I even knew SO, that is not going to change now.







Quoting ElitestJen:

You don't accept him as a father figure to your child, so why do expect him to accept that role?  What's with the double standard?

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