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can you seperate the two?.. every mom and wife read please, please, please need advice and opinions no bashing please**ETA

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

 being a wife and mother?.. im having a really hard time doing it.. im in mom mode constantly and sometimes forget im also a wife with a husband who has needs too (not just sex).. since my son was born there is like no romance.. we have had sex 5 times maybe? my son is 7 months.. he acts like whatever and i do too we have talked about it but we both say well you dont show interest why should i.. no one is caving we both are very stubborn not even the sex but the intamacy is gone too we bite each others heads off all the time and never really "talk" he has been on the couch for 2 months bc DS wont sleep in his bed and just not enough room for all 3 of us..

i feel like everything is falling apart.. we both work full time and spend 100% of our time with our son.. which im ok w/ that  but i do realize we need time too.. i dont know how to make it work really.. we have been "out" 3 toimes since my son has been born by choice really b/c i feel bad if i leave him and plus like i said i work full time so i wanna spend all the time i can with him..

any advice? am i alone here?

alsoit doesnt really matter but wanted to add we have been together since we were 16.. going on 8 years now.. married 1

ETA*****

DS will not sleep in his bed!! ive tried everything he wakes up every 20-30 min screaming.. not crying blood curling screams! i cant get up every 20 min with him when im up crack of dawn and work all day sorry but i just cant but yes i know i need to try to get him in his own bed but i just dont know how! i dont believe in CIO

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:13 PM
Replies (31-40):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:53 PM
I completely understand about the baby not sleeping in his crib, my baby is the same way. If I weren't working then I could wake up every 30 min and work on her sleeping in her crib. That being said you know it's more than just the baby sleeping in the bed. You do need to change your attitude which is hard with someone who doesn't want to change. You guys should go to marriage counseling.
Fjamrkr
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:53 PM
1 mom liked this
You can start getting your son in his own bed by sidecar-ing his crib to your bed. He has his separate space and you have yours but you're still together. Just take the front from his crib and push it flush against your bed. From there, you can slowly work on moving the crib further and further from you. Start by putting the front back on then moving to the other side of the room then to his own room.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:55 PM

 we both work full time its not like i have all day while hes napping to just go have sex real quick and i dont get home till 930pm

there is no way in hell my son being awake im just gonna throw him in a pack and play and go have sex.. uh no

but thanks for your advice i do appreciate it


Quoting davnrori:

 Your son sleeping in your bed is not the issue. He's 7 months. He takes naps. There is plenty of time during the day for you and your DH to be intimate. I'm also assuming your son doesn't walk yet so it would be very easy for you to put him on the floor with a play mat or in a playpen and have a 10 min romp with DH. So what's stopping you? You said it yourself, you have lost intimacy, you don't talk, and you bicker all of the time. That's not exactly conducive to that "loving" feeling.

My advice would be to work on dating your DH. Leave your son with a family member or a trusted friend and go out for the night. Make time at home where you guys can talk together for a little bit. Sit next to him on the couch, hold hands, touch each other. Even if you don't want to. Fake it 'til you make it, right?

If you're not willing to try doing something, nothing will change. Yes, your son needs you but your DH needs you too. If you don't find balance then you will be spending a lot more time with your son because you will be a single mom. If you were your DH would you want to live in a house with you? Think about it.


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 24, 2013 at 8:58 PM

BUMP!

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:03 PM
1 mom liked this
Really?

Even if all it takes is you taking the first step? Is it really worth it?

You cannot control your husband or change him. But you can control yourself and change yourself. You can take the first step to change your marriage.

Put your baby in his own bed. He will not die if he cries. Try putting a tshirt of yours, that you wore that day, under him. He will smell you and think you're near and hopefully sleep longer.


Quoting Anonymous:

 


i also feel like hes the man ya know like why isnt he making an effort.. i cant help it.. if he isnt  trying why should i? i know thats the wrong attitude but..


Quoting VannaMae307:


You need to get your son in his own bed, having your husband sleep on the couch isn't helping anything, I promise you that.


You seem to know what's wrong, you said "no one is caving we are both stubborn" there's your problem. Fix it if you want the situation fixed. Quit being stubborn...what's the point in proving to him you're just as hard headed if your marriage is falling apart because of it? what is there to gain?




 


mrssummerlin
by Platinum Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:03 PM
Key to getting your son to sleep in hi own bed... SUCK. IT. UP.
You are mom and it doesn't matter if your running on coffee and fumes.

When he wakes up put him right back down in his bed and sit in the floor facing away from him, he gets up again you do the same time.
He won't learn if you don't teach and after a few days of this he will catch on that the amount of times he wakes will dwindle to not at all.

As for the relationship, well if neither of you are willing to bend and actually work together on it then it will fall apart. I say that from experience.

Took my DH and me 3 years to figure out that if we BOTH didn't try together to fix things then we'd end up divorced. Now we've been married 5 years and couldn't be happier.
We make time to snuggle up at night and chat about our day. The snuggling is enough for us to know the intimacy is still there and being able to talk about things other then work or our DD or my pregnancy is key here.
Hell, I had to find my own hobbies again so I would have something to talk about and so did he. We also have certain shows during the week that we will watch together and let our DD go to sleepovers so we can go on a date every now and then.
We also both understand that being a mom and a wife are one in the same. You can't turn one or the other off, you just have to know when to step away from your husband and handle the kids and on the same note know when to let the kids wait and you finish whatever you and your husband were doing/talking about.
yikesitsmindy
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:05 PM
I am going through everything g you are going through. It is so hard because dh does not like dd in bed, but he is not the one who would be getting up with her ever.

Quoting Anonymous:

 being a wife and mother?.. im having a really hard time doing it.. im in mom mode constantly and sometimes forget im also a wife with a husband who has needs too (not just sex).. since my son was born there is like no romance.. we have had sex 5 times maybe? my son is 7 months.. he acts like whatever and i do too we have talked about it but we both say well you dont show interest why should i.. no one is caving we both are very stubborn not even the sex but the intamacy is gone too we bite each others heads off all the time and never really "talk" he has been on the couch for 2 months bc DS wont sleep in his bed and just not enough room for all 3 of us..


i feel like everything is falling apart.. we both work full time and spend 100% of our time with our son.. which im ok w/ that  but i do realize we need time too.. i dont know how to make it work really.. we have been "out" 3 toimes since my son has been born by choice really b/c i feel bad if i leave him and plus like i said i work full time so i wanna spend all the time i can with him..


any advice? am i alone here?


alsoit doesnt really matter but wanted to add we have been together since we were 16.. going on 8 years now.. married 1


ETA*****


DS will not sleep in his bed!! ive tried everything he wakes up every 20-30 min screaming.. not crying blood curling screams! i cant get up every 20 min with him when im up crack of dawn and work all day sorry but i just cant but yes i know i need to try to get him in his own bed but i just dont know how! i dont believe in CIO

mamoore83
by on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:05 PM
My kids are my world and I love them more then I ever thought possible. Because I love them I will make sure that my hubby and I have a solid relationship. So yes I put my husband first.


Quoting Anonymous:

 


thanks so much for your support and advice!


and my kid will come first ALWAYS that is what a good mother does.


i love how its all me? my husband shouldnt be held accountable too?


Quoting superwoman8977:


You have to be a mom and a wife and keep the 2 seperate.  My kids are never and will never take presedence over my husband.  I make time to be with my husband, tonight I helped change the oil on his truck just so we had some time alone.  You better fix things or you are going to be losing your husband.




 


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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:10 PM
I'm not op but that tee shirt thing is bull.


Quoting Anonymous:

Really?



Even if all it takes is you taking the first step? Is it really worth it?



You cannot control your husband or change him. But you can control yourself and change yourself. You can take the first step to change your marriage.



Put your baby in his own bed. He will not die if he cries. Try putting a tshirt of yours, that you wore that day, under him. He will smell you and think you're near and hopefully sleep longer.




Quoting Anonymous:

 



i also feel like hes the man ya know like why isnt he making an effort.. i cant help it.. if he isnt  trying why should i? i know thats the wrong attitude but..



Quoting VannaMae307:



You need to get your son in his own bed, having your husband sleep on the couch isn't helping anything, I promise you that.



You seem to know what's wrong, you said "no one is caving we are both stubborn" there's your problem. Fix it if you want the situation fixed. Quit being stubborn...what's the point in proving to him you're just as hard headed if your marriage is falling apart because of it? what is there to gain?






 



davnrori
by Gold Member on Apr. 24, 2013 at 9:22 PM
6 moms liked this

 No, you don't appreciate it, that much is obvious. Clearly, even though you say you are looking for advice, you aren't willing to consider doing anything but what you're already doing. Workin' out great for ya, huh? So great, in fact, that you have to come anonymously into an open forum to complain about how much your love life sucks.

Your reading comprehension is as poor as your sex life. I wasn't suggesting that you 'throw' your son in a pack and play to have sex. Somehow people who have young babies still manage to have bangin' (no pun intended) sex lives without abusing or scaring their children for life. My implication was that there are opportunities for you to arrange to have sex with your DH if you really wanted to, but because you have lost emotional intimacy with him you aren't going to take advantage of those opportunities. Being emotionally connected to your partner is an important part of sex, at least for women. You're not going to want to have sex with your husband if you feel annoyed with him all of the time or if you're in 'mommy' mode as soon as you walk in the door from work.

I have read all of the replies and you give an excuse to why each and every piece of advice you get is not worth following. So why did you bother asking if you know everything will not work? I'm assuming that the women who are replying managed, as I did, to both have happy, well-adjusted children and a satisfied husband. Are you special? Is there some kind of gold-standard advice that you are just not seeing here? How 'bout this- You tell us what you want to hear and we'll just parrot it back to you so you can have validation- Yes, of course it's okay to forget about your husband once you have a baby. He did his job in getting the breeding started and now he should just go about his business earning money and fixing shit like a good man should. He shouldn't complain about a lack of sex. You're a mom now! That's way more important than sex. Hand him a bottle of lotion and a laptop and tell him to get busy so you can get on with the important business of being a mother to your child. Men are stupid.

Sound good? Help you out any? Sweet. Have a nice night.

Quoting Anonymous:

 we both work full time its not like i have all day while hes napping to just go have sex real quick and i dont get home till 930pm

there is no way in hell my son being awake im just gonna throw him in a pack and play and go have sex.. uh no

but thanks for your advice i do appreciate it

 

Quoting davnrori:

 Your son sleeping in your bed is not the issue. He's 7 months. He takes naps. There is plenty of time during the day for you and your DH to be intimate. I'm also assuming your son doesn't walk yet so it would be very easy for you to put him on the floor with a play mat or in a playpen and have a 10 min romp with DH. So what's stopping you? You said it yourself, you have lost intimacy, you don't talk, and you bicker all of the time. That's not exactly conducive to that "loving" feeling.

My advice would be to work on dating your DH. Leave your son with a family member or a trusted friend and go out for the night. Make time at home where you guys can talk together for a little bit. Sit next to him on the couch, hold hands, touch each other. Even if you don't want to. Fake it 'til you make it, right?

If you're not willing to try doing something, nothing will change. Yes, your son needs you but your DH needs you too. If you don't find balance then you will be spending a lot more time with your son because you will be a single mom. If you were your DH would you want to live in a house with you? Think about it.

 

 

 

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