50 Ways to know you're a REAL mom:
â€¢1. You have at least 3 different kinds of cookie crumbs embedded in the lining of your purse. You also have cars. And toys from McDonalds.
â€¢2. Dinosaurs in your fridge don't surprise you. Nor do Pop Tarts stuck to your sheets.
â€¢3. Kids with snotty noses and tears on their cheeks can kiss you and you don't wipe it off. In fact, you kinda think those are the best kisses.
â€¢4. You will kiss any body part, dirt and all, to remove the owwie.
â€¢5. You love being able to kiss away owwies, and shudder to think of the day that won't work anymore.
â€¢6. You can pluck anything out of the toilet without shuddering.
â€¢7. When a girl/guy is mean to your kid, you wish you were trailer trash enough to beat the piss outta em. Or at least their parents. But instead you bite your lip til blood is spurting out your nose. And wish that stupid FUCK would realize how cool your kid really is... sigh. And then you just hug your kid. And tell them they're cool always.
â€¢8. You don't want them to grow up cuz you love the age they are, but you miss them being littler, and yet you can't wait for the next step. Every age is a miracle. Every minute.
â€¢9. You instinctively know that the stench in your car is from a dirty diaper in your trunk you forgot to remove.
â€¢10. Your spit on a Kleenex can remove rust from a bumper.
â€¢11. When you realize they have YOUR eyes, you get goosebumples. EVERY DAY you look at them and go WOW I made that.
â€¢12. You can make any Halloween costume with cloth, florist wire and spray paint.
â€¢13. You can manufacture a working space shuttle from florist wire, spray paint, duct tape and an empty paper towel tube.
â€¢14. You ask at least three people under the age of 13 daily if they have LOST THEIR MIND!
â€¢15. You don't care if your ex is fat bald or evil, you just want to know your kids are cuter. And they always are.
â€¢16. You can unsnarl a tangled shoelace w/ your teeth no matter how dirty. And wet.
â€¢17. All your pancakes look like bunnies. Sometimes with chocolate chips. If they've been good.
â€¢18. You know how to do the â€˜KELLAN WANTS SOME COCOA" dance. And the potty dance. (ps: do not ever show that to your husband. It is not sexy and he may have you committed.)
â€¢19. You know how to do the Shrek dance party dance. This you can show your husband as he knows it too.
â€¢20. You have at least three times had mealworms in your fridge. (PS: labeling them â€˜coleslaw' is NOT funny.)
â€¢21. You have spent at least one summer catching flies for pet frogs. Again, the COLESLAW thing? NOT FUNNY.
â€¢22. Your children's clothes have labels on them saying "OLD NAVY" and "GAP" and "AEROPOSTILE" (or however you spell that) while yours say "BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL".
â€¢23. You can stay awake all night with one sick child, and still awake early to a baby's grin... and just LOVE it.
â€¢24. You worry about the amount of poop each child produces every day... and the size, color, and consistency. Even daddy.
â€¢25. No matter who has a stomach ache, you advise them to go poop. Even daddy.
â€¢26. A man that smells like baby vomit is a sexual turn-on. Especially daddy.
â€¢27. You feel like the Wicked Witch of the West, that anyone with HALF a brain could do this â€˜mothering' thing better than you, and that all you want is that they NOT turn out to be serial killers...and a really long nap... and your best friend assures you that then you MUST be doing it right.
â€¢28. Potty training feels like a personal miracle.
â€¢29. Give them boxes of raisins, and call them candy. They'll buy it... for a while.
â€¢30. Nightmares are a personal affront to family security.
â€¢31. They can totally screw up your computer, turn off your virus protection and firewall and all you can think is... wow totally brilliant little evil genius!
â€¢32. Once you have enough kids, you have to â€˜go for a drive' to get some WHOOPIE. Red light green light always applies. Daddy might â€˜help you with the laundry in the basement' sometimes. Get used to sex in weird places. Trust me, it's better than high school.
â€¢33. When you put them in BIG BOY pants and tell them to NOT poop on Spidermans head, so they drop trou and poop on the kitchen floor? You consider yourself halfway there.
â€¢34. You consider any form of birth control God's final solution to the universe.
â€¢35. You wonder why only daddy's golfing words come out REALLY clearly. And you BEG them to not say them to grandma. And if they do, you kinda sorta wanna be there.
â€¢36. You only feel REALLY sexy when you're about 9 months pregnant.
â€¢37. You can want to beat the HELL out of a child and want to burst out laughing at the same time.
â€¢38. You get homicidal tendencies right around the time your little girl gets boobs. And you're not sure you're wrong on that.
â€¢39. You can restrain a tantrum-throwing kid at Wal-Mart... or anywhere else... and still... kinda admire his stick-to-it-iveness.
â€¢40. You have trucks and superheroes and balloons and and and all over your living room floor, and still consider it clean. In fact, if your living room is TOO clean that means somebody's not having enough fun.
â€¢41. It's so totally cool to write on the windows with finger paint.
â€¢42. It's so totally cool to draw on kids w/ sharpies to make tattoos. So long as they don't do that on the couch too. Which they will. Which makes it your fault.
â€¢43. Never buy a new couch with little kids.
â€¢44. When your kid wants to show you something, always go look. Your job is to bring them into this world, their job is to show it to you.
â€¢45. You won't regret a dirty house. You will regret finger painting. On the couch. But still, you won't really care too much, cuz who has new furniture w/ kids? (see rule 43)
â€¢46. Spaghettios are fine cuisine. So are graham crackers. NOBODY likes brussel sprouts. Write that down. I don't care if they're good for you, they look like frog testicles. Your kid might eat them yeah. Kids can eat their own poop.
â€¢47. Slushburgers and tatertots should be called slushboogers and tatersnots. Then they'll eat them.
â€¢48. Never buy them sugary cereals. Make them eat healthy. Ok, whatever, buy it for them once in a while but LIE to your pediatrician about it.
â€¢49. The only REAL lullaby goes something like "go to sleep plz just go the fuck to sleep... and don't wake up until at least 6 am" but you gotta sing Jesus loves me instead. That's a rule.
â€¢50. When you tuck your kids in at night, dishes in the sink, laundry to do, totally exhausted....you're pretty sure that no matter what? You've got the world by the tail.
And the next day, you can't wait to do it again!