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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My awful confession. Prepared to be bashed and ripped to shreds...

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

My husband and I have been together 13 years, married for 5. We have two small children together. Our relationship is not a good one. We love each other. I truly believe that. But I think that's about as far as it goes. I used to try and try, and beg for him to try just as hard, but we just can't seem to get on the same page. I'm not really a believer in divorce. I believe in taking my vows seriously and fighting to stay together. Some things happened that changed our relationship and changed my levels of respect and trust for him, but I fought through it and we remained together. I feel like maybe I never really got over it though and maybe it is an underlying issue for me. I work with a man that is a good friend of mine. We work closely together, five days a week, and I feel like I have really fallen for him. Like I love him, fallen for him. I have done inappropriate things with him, I won't lie about that. But I feel awful about it and I am trying my best to get over it and focus on my marriage. I try and I pray to just forget about this other man and feel that way for my husband all over again, but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. My feelings for this other man have been feelings for almost two years. HOW do I get over it and fix my marriage? I'm desperate for advice, and I know what I've done is wrong. I'm hoping maybe someone can say something that will just "click" for me and help me. Bash me if you must, but it's worth it if I get at least one helpful reply.

Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 25, 2013 at 8:10 PM
Replies (61-64):
AussieReg
by Member on Apr. 25, 2013 at 9:38 PM

 

Wow! what he did was truly horrible in two ways the fact that he was looking to start an affair (I saw something like that one might on late night television and I was really livid, what a fucking horrible thing to advertise!) and then to list his dislikes that would have been something I would have probably never been able to get over. You are a good person and I can tell you no matter what you deserve to be loved and that is what I think you feel with your coworker. If you feel the energy to work it out again then do so for yourself, but it might be that he too is waiting for an out by not putting his all into righting his wrong. I do not believe in divorce either and I joke with my husband (who was previously married) that there is only one way out of this marriage and it is on a cold slab with a tag on his or my big toe! But for you, you do not deserve to be sad and divorce is sometimes a way to leave sadness that is unbearable and move onto happiness. My wonderful older sister endured so much bullshit from her abusive cheating husband and though she begged him he left her for another woman. When 6 months passed and the other woman kicked his cheating ass out he came crawling back to my sister begging to be given another chance but she had realized after the initial agony of it all that she was truly better off without him and refused to take him back. Good luck and I want you to try something, I am not a God freak or anything so you don't have to it is just something you might want to, say a prayer to the greater power for an answer for you, believe that it will come to you in some way, an article in a paper, an overheard conversation, soemthing that you remember from long ago or the voice in your head being extra loud and you will know what you need to do. Good luck and don't listen to the replies that make you out to be terrible OK! 

Quoting Anonymous:

 He made a profile on a website designed for married people to cheat. And on that website, I had the agony of reading all about the things about me he didn't like. This was one month after giving birth to our second child. It was extremely hurtful, and I still to this day do not know if he actually  had any affairs from that or not, but just the thought that he was actively seeking an affair and to read all the negative things he felt about me really crushed my soul and my confidence. I still have a hard time with it. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your advice obviously touched me. You brought me to tears.

 

Quoting AussieReg:

Not sure if I have a good answer but I need to ask what did your husband do that made you lose your trust in him? The root of what is going on for you now is based back in that event(s) because where your heart was all his before now it is not due to his bad behaviour and though you stayed with him the part of your heart was closed to him and is now opened to another man who you are having an affair with. If you stay in the job with that man you will NEVER be really able to forget him and you can't ignore him because you are working so closely and have already moved past a pure working relationship into a physical and sexual one. My next question is WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT???? When I read your story I hear a woman who is good and doesn't  want to rip her family apart with a divorce but who is not happy in her marriage not because of her affair but because of something her husband did and in a way is continuing to do so that though you both love each other you do not feel you are on the same page no matter how hard you are trying and maybe you have to accept the possibility (probability??) that your marriage is broken beyond repair. I am not a marriage counsellor and I do not know at what point after bad behaviour on the part of spouses there can be no return. This is how I look at my marriage with my husband, when I see him and I am mad at him about something I imagine if he were to be gone say by sudden death and when I feel that agony in my chest at the though I realize that I love him so much the thought of losing him is a physical agony. 3 years ago I did nearly lose him and that too is a reminder of what he means to me even if sometimes he is a pain. Do this exercise and if you truly do not feel any real loss at the thought of losing him forever then you probably have fallen out of love and need to figure out a way to move on. Another option is to seek professional help.

 

 


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 25, 2013 at 9:53 PM

 Thank you so much. I ask God for guidance daily. I believe if I just  hand it over to him and trust that He will do right by me, it will all work out eventually. Truly, thank you.


Quoting AussieReg:

 

Wow! what he did was truly horrible in two ways the fact that he was looking to start an affair (I saw something like that one might on late night television and I was really livid, what a fucking horrible thing to advertise!) and then to list his dislikes that would have been something I would have probably never been able to get over. You are a good person and I can tell you no matter what you deserve to be loved and that is what I think you feel with your coworker. If you feel the energy to work it out again then do so for yourself, but it might be that he too is waiting for an out by not putting his all into righting his wrong. I do not believe in divorce either and I joke with my husband (who was previously married) that there is only one way out of this marriage and it is on a cold slab with a tag on his or my big toe! But for you, you do not deserve to be sad and divorce is sometimes a way to leave sadness that is unbearable and move onto happiness. My wonderful older sister endured so much bullshit from her abusive cheating husband and though she begged him he left her for another woman. When 6 months passed and the other woman kicked his cheating ass out he came crawling back to my sister begging to be given another chance but she had realized after the initial agony of it all that she was truly better off without him and refused to take him back. Good luck and I want you to try something, I am not a God freak or anything so you don't have to it is just something you might want to, say a prayer to the greater power for an answer for you, believe that it will come to you in some way, an article in a paper, an overheard conversation, soemthing that you remember from long ago or the voice in your head being extra loud and you will know what you need to do. Good luck and don't listen to the replies that make you out to be terrible OK! 

Quoting Anonymous:

 He made a profile on a website designed for married people to cheat. And on that website, I had the agony of reading all about the things about me he didn't like. This was one month after giving birth to our second child. It was extremely hurtful, and I still to this day do not know if he actually  had any affairs from that or not, but just the thought that he was actively seeking an affair and to read all the negative things he felt about me really crushed my soul and my confidence. I still have a hard time with it. Thank you for taking the time to reply. Your advice obviously touched me. You brought me to tears.

 

Quoting AussieReg:

Not sure if I have a good answer but I need to ask what did your husband do that made you lose your trust in him? The root of what is going on for you now is based back in that event(s) because where your heart was all his before now it is not due to his bad behaviour and though you stayed with him the part of your heart was closed to him and is now opened to another man who you are having an affair with. If you stay in the job with that man you will NEVER be really able to forget him and you can't ignore him because you are working so closely and have already moved past a pure working relationship into a physical and sexual one. My next question is WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT???? When I read your story I hear a woman who is good and doesn't  want to rip her family apart with a divorce but who is not happy in her marriage not because of her affair but because of something her husband did and in a way is continuing to do so that though you both love each other you do not feel you are on the same page no matter how hard you are trying and maybe you have to accept the possibility (probability??) that your marriage is broken beyond repair. I am not a marriage counsellor and I do not know at what point after bad behaviour on the part of spouses there can be no return. This is how I look at my marriage with my husband, when I see him and I am mad at him about something I imagine if he were to be gone say by sudden death and when I feel that agony in my chest at the though I realize that I love him so much the thought of losing him is a physical agony. 3 years ago I did nearly lose him and that too is a reminder of what he means to me even if sometimes he is a pain. Do this exercise and if you truly do not feel any real loss at the thought of losing him forever then you probably have fallen out of love and need to figure out a way to move on. Another option is to seek professional help.

 

 

 

 


 

britt6
by on Apr. 25, 2013 at 10:20 PM


Perfect sense. I went through that and many other feelings while working through counseling with and without my spouse. I am still currently working on that "empty" feeling. I've been told it goes away after awhile and that the feelings of passion and true love come back. 

You need to tell your husband everything, do not leave out a stitch of information. Let him feel his feelings and let him sit in them for awhile. The ball will be in his court as far as whether this is going to work or not. As far as the cheating goes, you need to take whatever steps you can to get away from this other man, even if it means relocating because most relationships that are born of an affair are not healthy ones. 

Quoting Anonymous:

 No, prior to the other man being involved, when things happened in our  marriage that weren't good and I felt like I could never trust him/love him the same again, I begged him to go to marriage counseling and he refused. I asked for a separation back in September and at that point he was willing to do counseling, but unfortunately, it's just not possible at all with our current work schedules, and we can't do anything to change that right now because we HAVE to provide for our family. I do therapy alone, and it does help a bit. I've also spent some time in "resurrecting a dead marriage" seminars, which has helped me too, but if he's not getting the same thing I'm getting and applying it, it just doesn't work. And I just have a hard time bringing back "good" feelings for him. I hate that I look at him and feel nothing. I love him dearly and I care for him, but I also love and care immensely for my mother... it's like that kind of love. Not a spouse love. If that makes sense.


Quoting britt6:

My apologies if this has already been brought up (I am too lazy to read through all the replies,lol) but have you tried marital counseling?





Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Apr. 26, 2013 at 10:33 PM

A year and a half? Sometimes I wonder if I can't stop thinking about him for that long, if he's supposed to be on my brain for a reason... I hate that he consumes my thoughts and even more so because I have to fight against it. :-/  Thank you for sharing your story with me.


Quoting britt6:

 

Perfect sense. I went through that and many other feelings while working through counseling with and without my spouse. I am still currently working on that "empty" feeling. I've been told it goes away after awhile and that the feelings of passion and true love come back. 

You need to tell your husband everything, do not leave out a stitch of information. Let him feel his feelings and let him sit in them for awhile. The ball will be in his court as far as whether this is going to work or not. As far as the cheating goes, you need to take whatever steps you can to get away from this other man, even if it means relocating because most relationships that are born of an affair are not healthy ones. 

Quoting Anonymous:

 No, prior to the other man being involved, when things happened in our  marriage that weren't good and I felt like I could never trust him/love him the same again, I begged him to go to marriage counseling and he refused. I asked for a separation back in September and at that point he was willing to do counseling, but unfortunately, it's just not possible at all with our current work schedules, and we can't do anything to change that right now because we HAVE to provide for our family. I do therapy alone, and it does help a bit. I've also spent some time in "resurrecting a dead marriage" seminars, which has helped me too, but if he's not getting the same thing I'm getting and applying it, it just doesn't work. And I just have a hard time bringing back "good" feelings for him. I hate that I look at him and feel nothing. I love him dearly and I care for him, but I also love and care immensely for my mother... it's like that kind of love. Not a spouse love. If that makes sense.

 

Quoting britt6:

My apologies if this has already been brought up (I am too lazy to read through all the replies,lol) but have you tried marital counseling?

 

 

 

 


 

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