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A few days ago DH confessed... -Frustrating Update

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
Update: I looked for al anon meetings and the closest one (on ANY day of the week) is 30 minutes away. We only have 1 car so DH takes it to work at 3:30pm and all the meetings are around 6pm. :( So then I looked for NA meeting for him thinking I could tag along since I really miss meetings (I am also a recovering addict- been clean over a year) and the only one's they have are when he is at work. I am getting really discouraged. I really wanted us both to go to meetings, so badly. I am thinking of doing the NA by myself and just sharing that my DH recently relapsed but I doubt it will be as helpful as al anon. :(

That he has been using drugs again for about 6 months. He was doing pills for about a month and then went to illegally buying suboxone. He had been clean for over a year :( I noticed the signs again a few months ago but we have a baby and I thought he was extremely tired and that was contributing to his mood swings. I was wrong.

I'd first like to say that I will ignore comments that say DIVORCE HIM! No, I will not end my marriage because he slipped up. We took vows for better or worse.

But I dont know what to do. I'm angry and hurt. He has been lying to me (or I guess omitting) for 6 months. He is wasting our money on suboxone instead of dealing with what he has coming to him, withdrawal. He has agreed that when his vacation time comes in he will take 3 days of it to go cold turkey off the suboxone (once again!) and go through the withdrawals. But even that pisses me off! He's going to use his vacation time to sleep and complain and be mean while going through withdrawals when we could use that time to do something fun as a family all because he decided to be stupid.

I havent even spoken to him at all today. Last night I tried to say how hurt and dissapointed I was and he started yelling at me and calling me names. I dont care if its the drugs doing it to him! I dont deserve it! I was understanding and had sympathy for him when I thought he was just tired but now that I know its drugs I look back on the last 6 months of fighting and I'm pissed about it. I was very understanding the first time this happened and stayed by his side during the withdrawals and helped him as much as possible but this time he'll be going through that on his own.

I dont know :( I'm just pissed/hurt and ranting now. I cant even look at him. I used to be an addict too but I stopped that shit before I even got pregnant with DS and now that I have him I wouldnt even think of touching that shit! And I dont want him touching DS either, not if he's on something!

I dont know how to be there for him this time. I dont know how to put my anger aside and help him through this. I do love him but this is so unacceptable. Has anyone had an SO relapse? How did you get through it? How did you deal with the mood swings and their anger? How did you deal with YOUR anger? Does anyone have an SO that has been clean for years or is this what I have to look forward to every year or two?

Edit: He can not go to a detox/rehab center. His insurance doesnt cover it and we dont have that kind of money. I am not worried about him dying from withdrawal. He only takes a strip a day which isnt much and thats what he was on the last time we did this so I know he'll be fine.
Also, I forgot some people do not know what suboxone is. It is used to make the user not go through withdrawal (it is SUPPOSE to be used to wean them off drugs but is rarely use correctly around here). It has an opiate blocker in it so if he did get drugs it would prevent him from getting high and he doesnt get high off the subs.

Update: I got him in to see a substance abuse counselor that he will see later this week. He will go once or twice a week. THAT insurance covers.
Posted by Anonymous on Apr. 26, 2013 at 10:57 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:19 AM
1 mom liked this
That's a tough situation. I haven't dealt with this before myself. I don't think however you should have to put up with him going cold turkey. When is this vacation time coming up that he plans to use? Does any family (yours or his) know about his relapse? Does any family live nearby? I'm asking this because I think it would be a good idea for you to let him go cold turkey alone. You and especially your son don't need to be around while he's going through withdrawal. Do you really want to expose your son to that? He did this to himself, he should deal with the consequences. It's good that his paychecks are coming to you now. I don't blame you for being hurt and angry, he lied to you. He was selfish and fell into that temptation to get high. Once he's sober again, I think marriage counseling is in order. Tell him he has no choice, its the best way to work out your issues. I hope this helped some. Hugss mama, stay strong.
by Navy Mom on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:20 AM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like he needs to go through rehab this time hun.  Obviously it's dangerous to go cold turkey without medical supervision, and he's going to need therapy to figure out what made him fall off the wagon, how to avoid triggers, etc.  

My husband is an alcoholic.  It's an ongoing battle for him.  He was dry for a year, started out with a little wine on Friday nights, went to a full big bottle on Friday nights, and eventually was binge drinking.  We had a come to Jesus moment the weekend before Christmas, and he's been dry since.  I say dry instead of sober because honestly I don't really know how much of a desire for the alcohol he has right now as we do not talk about it.  He's got a brick wall between us, and has shut me out.  He works his ass off at a high pressure, high money job, we do the car restoration thing on weekends, and it's just a matter of time til he starts drinking again, and I'll have to deal with that when it happens.  Being with an addict, whether it's drugs or alcohol, is not easy.  But as you said, he's my husband and I am standing by him for our family.  

by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:22 AM
Addicts are welcome at alanon. It's for anyone dealing with an addict.

Quoting Anonymous:

Can I go to alanon since I used to be an addict too? I thought it was only for nonaddicts..

Quoting firespurity:

Honey, you don't deserve to be treated rudely, drugs or no drugs. Have you considered alanon?

by Anonymous 5 on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:23 AM
Well subutex and suboxin are use to get people off pain pills. He should have went to a clinic.
by on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:23 AM

I would ltell him how disappointed you are Nd pissed. I would also leave for a while, CPS might take your child if it was reported....

by Ruby Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:23 AM
2 moms liked this
My mom was an addict. When she was sober she was great, when she wasn't it was hell. She became selfish, cruel and mean. My dad stayed with her for 35 years. He has told everyone that asks if he'd do it again and says "hell NO". You may not want to hear it but divorce him. Save your children from going through what I did. Trust me. They'll blame you just as much as they blame him.
by Platinum Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:32 AM
8 moms liked this

 Does it really matter if this is what you have to look forward to every year or two? You already stated that your marriage is for better or worse and that you will not be getting a divorce. If that's so then it doesn't matter what the future holds because you're going to be there regardless. Your DH is an addict, he will always be an addict whether he is on the wagon or off. You might want to get yourself into counseling or something because it's not going to be easy living with him when he verbally abuses you while he's on drugs. Your child will also be the victim of this abuse eventually if your DH doesn't get off the drugs and stay off. You say that you signed on for life, but what about your child? Do you care that he is going to see his father as an addict? That he will be influenced by his father's choices?

You say that your DH's choices are unacceptable but that is simply not true. Unacceptable means just that- You cannot accept the current situation. When you are truly in an unacceptable situation, divorce is both a consideration and a viable option. You are in a situation that you don't like but you are willing to accept it if you are going to stay married to your DH. Good luck to you and I hope your DH gets the professional help that he needs.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:36 AM
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Thank you for your help. We cant afford for him to go to a detox/rehab center and his insurance wont cover it. I know he wont go to meetings either, I used to go when I was newly sober and it helped a lot! Now I dont have the time to go to weekly meetings but I have kept in touch with my sponsor and if I have cravings I call her. He definitely hasnt hit rock bottom but I am starting to doubt he even has a rock bottom.
I think suboxone is the stupidest drug out there. All it does is help junkies escape withdrawal. I know plenty of people who will stop taking it for a day or two so they can get high and then go back on it after.
He doesnt drink alcohol but I do on occasion and dont seem to have a problem with it. By occasion I also mean just a couple of times a month if I go out with friends.

Quoting Aireeahnah:

I am the daughter of two alcoholics, the sister of a addict, and also the fiancée of an addict. Let me tell you my honest opinion..subs are asking for trouble down the road. And he is not ready to give it up. An addict must hit rock bottom before he or she can really surrender to sobriety. And he must truly surrender. Now, my mother and father are both alcoholics. One has been sober for twenty years while the other relapsed after their divorce. What was the difference? My mother went to meetings while my father did not. Being clean also means abstaining from ALL substances. Someone who is addicted to narcotics can not drink alcohol, someone who is an alcoholic can not take narcotics. Substances of any kind can lead to a relapse on their substance of choice.

My honest suggestion is that if he is ready to commit and is truly ready to quit, he will agree to go to a detox center and start attending meetings (they may be helpful to you too if you had a problem in the past, or NarAnon us the narcotics equivalent of AlAnon meetings for people close to addicts.) If he says no, the desperation is not there and I can honestly say that he will not stay clean.

by Bronze Member on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:41 AM

Perhaps you didn't have as bad a problem as he does, I can not be sure. It's unfortunate that you can't get him into a detox/ perhaps after he detoxes at home (if he really does, under your close supervision), if he is emotionally stable enough, maybe ask him if he would like to go to a meeting with you? You can even bring the kids. I go with my SO and our 3 mo old on occasion if it is early enough that it is before her bedtime.

Regardless, I wish you the best of luck and I hope that everything works out. I wouldn't leave my SO if he relapsed but I also don't know what I would do. That would be the one thing that would probably make it very near impossible for me to trust him ever again if it happened.

CafeMom Tickers
by Anonymous 6 on Apr. 26, 2013 at 11:43 AM
4 moms liked this
My daughter is a recovoring heroin addict. There is nothing you can do to help him until ihe is ready to help himself. I know this from my own personal experience. What you can do is to help yourself , nar-anon is a good place to start. Tough love is another choice. By choosing boundaries of what u will and will not allow in your home will give him consequences he may not like and it usually helps them to change their behavior. I wish you all the best!
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